Memorial Day Weekend Twenty Ten

Amazing what can happen in a year! Last Memorial Day I would have NEVER dreamed that I would be visiting my son in a cemetary this year. Sometimes it just doesn't even seem possible. Then I go out there and see that name, his name and I realize that nightmare really did happen to our family. I can't honestly say that I was looking forward to this weekend because quite frankly I wasn't. All in all it was a very good weekend though. We had a small yard sale on Saturday morning. It went quite well. On Sunday after lunch Brandon, Kailey, Trenton & I headed out to the cemetary to put out some new flowers for Trevor. Samantha had fever and wasn't feeling well so she decided to stay home. When we got to the cemetary, everything looked beautiful. So many people had decorated their loved ones gravesides, it was just breathtaking. When we pulled up to Trevor's spot, we noticed some additional flowers had been placed there. We walked over and Kailey noticed their were little cards attached to the flowers. They were from Sidney & Avery, two young boys in our community. They are from a great family who we have grown to Love so much. It brought tears to my eyes that they had thought of us and remembered our little Trevor. We have a statue by Trevor's grave marker of Jesus hands holding an infant. Trenton said "look mama thats baby Trevor". Kailey was quick to say "no it's not Trevor is down there under the dirt". So the argument began. Back & forth. We explained again that Trevor is with Jesus and yes his little body was buried there and yes that statue does represent Trevor being in God's hands. So Brandon told Kailey if Trenton wanted to say that the statue was Trevor that was ok. She reluctantly agreed and they began looking at all of the beautiful flowers. We spent the rest of the day at home resting and playing together. We ended the day by watching The Lion King on DVD. K & T had never seen it. T fell asleep about halfway through but the rest of us enjoyed it. We started today with breakfast at Don's. We then headed to the cemetary for the Memorial Day Service. I had never been to one before, it was quite moving. Then we headed to Kailey's t-ball practice. They are so much fun to watch! Then we headed back home where we enjoyed a peaceful day as a family. We did alot of work to prepare for the busy month ahead. I can't believe tomorrow will be the first day of June! All in all it was a great weekend & I love my life in small town Kansas. I truly am a small town girl at heart.

Journey to June: Marked by Love

After I lost Trevor I really wanted a piece of jewelry to wear with his name on it so he could be close to my heart whenever I wanted. I searched & searched online. Finally I saw this piece designed by Lisa Leonard and I fell in LOVE with it. She created it in honor of Angie Smith whose baby Audrey Caroline died just 2 hours after her birth. The necklace is called Marked by Love. Some lives, though short, profoundly change the world and leave a mark on our hearts. Moms who have lost a child know their hearts are forever marked by love. I absolutely love the necklace. It has some weight to it which reminds me that my little Trevor has weight in this world. His short life matters. The material it is made of warms up when it is next to my skin. I feel it and I am reminded of him. I LOVE my necklace and just wanted to share it with you.

Letter to Trevor

Dear Trevor:

 I have so much to tell you that I never got to say. Not a day goes by that you don't come to my mind. Not a day goes by when I don't miss you. You are talked about ALOT in our home. Anytime we talk about our family, your big sister Kailey is always quick to remind me that you are still in our family only you live with Jesus now. She still has a chair for you at our dining table. She always reminds me that is where you would have sat if you would have been able to stay with us. Trenton talks about you too. Anytime he sees a picture of Jesus, he tells me that Trevor is with Jesus. And anytime he sees a picture of Jesus with a baby or child, He always says that is Trevor with Jesus. We miss you so much. I miss looking down at my belly and knowing you were there. Sometimes I feel as though I carry an empty tomb with me everywhere I go. I just can't escape it. I miss those sweet little kicks I felt late at night. I know by now they would be much stronger. I miss not being able to prepare a room for you. We took down the crib in your big brothers room last week. I cried after we put it away. I know you would have been sleeping in it real soon. I miss the excitement I should be feeling right now in anticipation of your birth. I was looking so forward to the month of June. Now most days, I just dread it. I miss the loss of sleep I should be having now. I should be losing sleep from the discomfort of you being so big in my tummy. Instead I loose sleep as I lay and wonder how I will make it through my due date without you. I miss the heartburn I would be complaining about. I have 2 full bottles of Tums that would have been long gone by now. I already miss not having a new baby boy to hold in a couple of weeks. I miss not being able to show you off to all my family and friends. I know how much you would have been loved here! I already miss those hours I would have spent just holding you and rocking you. I miss all the time I would have spent nursing you those first 12 months of your life.I miss those sweet slobbery kisses I know you would have given me. I miss those sweet little chubby cheeks I know you would have had. I miss that sweet baby smell after a bath. That is one of the closest things to heaven that I have known on earth. I know you would have been my little man just like your big brother. I miss you. I wanted to be your mommy more than you could ever know. I know in my heart that you have a far better life than daddy or I could have ever given you. I know you are in a much better place. Through my sorrow I take comfort in knowing you are with Jesus. As much as I know I LOVE you, he loves you even more. I know he will take good care of you until we can meet again. I look forward to that day. Good night baby boy. I love you.

Love,
Mommy

The Struggle

This is a poem that God gave me to share with our church last Mother's Day. I know some of the special women who read my blog struggle daily with the heartache of infertility. I have been there. I pray for you often. I have shared that I love to read poetry, I also love to write it. I have wrote several throughout the years and plan to share them with you as I feel lead. My poetry is not professional in any way. I write like I speak, so it is very disorganized and random. But I pray my message is clear. As I wrote this poem I couldn't help but think of Hannah. She is one of my all time favorite heroines of the Bible. I LOVE her story.

Have you ever wanted something with all of your heart?

The desire was there from the very start.

Have you ever wanted something so much bigger than you?

So you pray & you pray-what else can you do?

Have you ever had a longing so deep & so strong

My friends all have babies-what have I done wrong?

So many things in my life, I can control on my own!

But this one is different, I can’t and I feel all alone!

Our friends are all saying you need to have a family

What are you waiting for-most of them have 2 or 3?

So alone in my despair I sit and I ask

Please Lord tell me why-am I not up to the task?

Everyday on my journey-I notice expecting ladies

Do they realize the special gift that they have received in those babies?

They are a precious Gift from God and no other

Only He can decide when we become a Mother

Many of us may have waited to be a Mother for years

Our prayers were so Many as were our tears

But our God is loving and we can have no fear

Because He is there right with us every time we shed a tear

He loves us all more than we will ever know!

That is hard to imagine but the Bible tells us so

As Mothers we love our children with all of heart

But God loves them even more and that’s the Best part

So pray for your children each & every day

Then point them toward God all along the way

For each of their lives He has a plan

Pray they will seek Him every chance they can

Pray for your children even if they are grown.

They still need Him, none of us can do it alone!

God will provide though his timing is not always ours

You can put your trust in him just look at the birds & the flowers

God has given me this rhyme to share with you today

And to wish all of you Moms a Happy Mother’s Day

I shared my testimony and struggle with infertility in the entry prior to this one. My struggle of 2 plus years seemed like an eternity at that time. I know some of you have been on that journey much longer and probably have alot more wisdom than I do. I also know that at that time it was the hardest thing that I had ever gone through. In 2003 I had no idea the heartache I would face in 2010. An easy conception that ended in tragedy. I know some of you that have faced infertility have also then faced the loss of that child. The loss of that very child that you prayed & prayed & prayed for. That baby that you LOVED so much. I would LOVE to tell you that I have an answer for that. I DON'T. I am so sorry for your loss though. I have struggled with guilt as I have prayed for you. I have 3 children on earth to LOVE and raise, I know some of you that don't have any-YET. But I know God LOVES you and he has a plan for you. My prayer is that you won't loose HOPE. Please don't give up on God, he WON'T give up on you.

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of him." 1 Samuel 1:27

 

The Baby Sister

Last year on Mother's Day God laid it on my heart to share a testimony with our new church. We had only been here 9 months and there was still so much our church didn't know about our little family. There was a time between Samantha & Kailey when Brandon & I struggled with infertility. I was even told that I probably would NEVER have another child. Praise God that he is BIGGER than any doctor! Anyway, since I have so many new blog friends I have felt led to share a little more of our story with  you. I appologize for the way this is written. I copied & pasted the original doc. Since I was reading this that morning to our congregation it is not well edited. I wrote it just as I wanted to say it. I pray it will be blessing to someone.

Many of you don’t know but when Samantha was around 3 years old Brandon & I had decided we were ready to have another baby. After about 2 years of waiting many prayers & lots of tears. I decided to go to the doctor to find out what was wrong? Of course I really thought Brandon should go first because it had to be something wrong with him-not me!! Not really-I knew (and many of you are learning about Brandon & doctors) he wouldn’t go-so I went. I went through MANY very uncomfortable tests and we waited and waited. In the meantime Samantha not knowing anything about what her daddy & I were going through had started asking for a Baby Sister. Not just once-but everyday! And then it got to be more often-several times a day. I was really hurting inside because I too wanted a baby more than anything. Finally one night I told her-if you really want a baby sister you need to pray & ask God. So before she went to bed in the sweetest, simple prayer she prayed & asked God for a Baby Sister. I went to bed thinking-yes why didn’t I think of this sooner-problem solved-now she will quit asking me about a baby sister every few minutes! The next morning-she was up bright & early she came running across the house frantically-you see she had gone in the room which she knew would someday be for our baby and looked and there was no baby sister-so she came running in to our room-where is my baby sister she proclaimed? I prayed last night-where did God put her? This was my first real-life example of the child-like faith that the Bible talks about. You see Brandon & I had prayed for months for a baby-did we ever expect one? But Samantha prayed once and her 3 year old faith told her that the baby would be there by morning! Man what a lesson! We then had to explain a little more about the waiting involved for a baby. Well pretty soon Samantha had everyone at church praying for us. It started in her Sunday School class, then her Sunday evening class and then the Preschool choir before we could blink everyone was praying for us. I was waiting for a call from the doctor to let me know the results of my most recent test! In the meantime pickles had become nauseating to me. Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE pickles-ALWAYS HAVE!!! But when I was pregnant with Sammy I couldn’t stand the sight of them –well, I was feeling that way again. I finally decided to go get one of the 12 pregnancy tests out of the cabinet. You see by now we were buying them in bulk because I had taken so many in hopes of a positive result! I was quite anxious & worried about being disappointed yet again by another negative result but I went ahead & did it that morning. It was the longest 2-3 minutes of my life. It came back positive-so you know me being the woman of faith that I am I took 4 more tests. Then I waited, next morning same thing. You see I didn’t want to tell Brandon until I was 100 percent sure! I didn’t want him to be disappointed. I called the Doctors office as soon as they opened I couldn’t wait to tell them the news. I scheduled my first prenatal visit. That afternoon I received a call from my doctor. In my naiveness, I was thinking how nice of him to call & personally congratulate me. He knew how hard the wait had been for us. But no he was calling to tell me that the last test I had taken at the hospital had shown that I would probably not be able to have any more children. He would, however be happy to give me the name of a specialist so that I could explore other options! I was in shock-I said did you not know-I called your office this morning to schedule my first prenatal visit. I am expecting and I have the 8 positive tests to prove it. He was embarrassed that his nurse had not told him but excited and said we need to get you right in here! 7 Months later Kailey was born! I am so thankful that God is more Mighty & powerful than any doctor or test they can run!!! And now every time-which is quite often that Samantha is frustrated with Kailey-Brandon & I are quick to remind her that SHE IS THE BABY SISTER THAT SHE PRAYED FOR MONTHS FOR! SHE IS THE BABY SISTER THAT GOD WANTED HER TO HAVE!!!!

Still Celebrating Moms

Wow! May has flown by in a blink. I still have some more celebrating of moms that I would like to do before the month comes to a close. I recently came across a book mark that I have had since Samantha was very young. It contains a poem (and you all know how I love those) that just reminded me of the important things about being a mom.

If I had My Child to Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power, And more about the power of LOVE.

by Diane Loomans


Enjoy each day that God gives you with your children.

What a GREAT day!

Oh what a great day! Brandon was so sweet. On his busiest morning of the week, he made breakfast for the kids & I. When I sat down at my spot at the table, there were 3 handmade cards just for me. Then we went to church together. For lunch we went to Coldwater & had Yummy Pizza at Dave's. We came home, changed and put K & T down for naps. Then Brandon & I went to the cemetary to put out the new flowers for Trevor. Brrrr. It was so cold out there. We didn't stay long. Then we went to the daycare. I steam cleaned the carpets yesterday so Brandon help me gets things back in there places. We finished the day by going on a date to the Chief Theater to see "The Last Song". It was a Wonderful day thanks to my sweet family.

She is with Jesus

We received the phone call last night. The one we prayed we wouldn't get. The sweet miracle we have been praying for is now free in the arms of Jesus. Free from the birth defect and Free from the pain she was starting to feel in this old world. God truly blessed her family by allowing them 8 days with her but we all know you just can't fit a lifetime of memories in 8 days. Please pray for that sweet family as I know they most certainly face some very tough days. Today will be their first day without their sweet miracle. Tomorrow their first holiday. And of all holidays Mother's Day. Please pray.

"You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

Images of a Mother

As the Mother of a Tween, I can already tell how her image of me has changed. So hard.



The Images of Mother



4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!



8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!



12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't know everything!



14 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother? She wouldn't have a clue.

.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's so five minutes ago.



18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!



25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!



35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.



45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?



65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.



But someday I pray her image will change again.

Mothers

A friend posted this poem today & you all aready know how I am about poetry. Enjoy.


MOTHERS



Real Mothers don't eat quiche;

They don't have time to make it....



Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils

Are probably in the sandbox.



Real Mothers often have sticky floors,

Filthy ovens and happy kids.



Real Mothers know that dried play dough

Doesn't come out of carpet.

Real Mothers don't want to know what

The vacuum just sucked up....



Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'

And get their answer when a little

Voice says, 'Because I love you best..'



Real Mothers know that a child's growth

Is not measured by height or years or grade...

It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother.

Happy Mother's Day to all you REAL moms like me.

Just One More Thing

A friend of mine just mentioned the dash. If you read my blog from earlier in the week titled Thank You you'll understand. Praise God this precious baby has a dash! Thanks to God & her mommy she has a dash! Had her mommy chosen not to carry her she would not have a dash nor would she have had the opportunity to touch the many, many lives that she has! Praise God!

A Baby Update

I'm sorry I haven't posted too much lately about that sweet miracle baby. We received a call from her Grandma this evening. She is still at her earthly home but growing much weaker. Grandma said that "they are all just enjoying every moment with her until the Good Lord takes her home". They appreciate all the prayers offered on their behalf. I am so thankful for her and for the days they have had with her. I keep thinking about that medical team that wanted her mommy to abort. If she had listened to them she would not have the 6 (almost 7) days of memories that she has with her daughter. I know her life may not be long compared to yours and mine but I guarantee she knows she is loved. I guarantee that her mommy and the rest of her family have told her and told her and told her. Her mommy told her not only by words but by actions. She was willing to carry that sweet baby as long as God allowed and now she is sharing each day with that precious baby for as long as God allows. You tell me that cutting that baby's life short by taking it in utero would have been better and I will show you a picture of a precious innocent breathing miracle that God is allowing to spend time with a family who loves her more than anything. Keep praying for that sweet family as I know they face some tough days ahead.

Journey to June: 4 Months

4 Months. Wow that's hard to believe! Somedays it seems like just yesterday while other days it seems like forever ago. Isn't that the way life is though? When I look at the calendar and think man I would be entering in to my last six weeks of pregnancy. The part I always LOVED the most because your almost there. Instead, although I still have the belly there is no baby growing inside. I think back to just 4 months ago when I went to bed that night I went to bed with no fear at all that I would loose my little guy that night. I guess thats the part I dislike the most-this new fear I have of loosing people-the people I love most. You see if God can take Trevor he could certainly take any or all of the rest of my family. I have always had some fear of that (I think it was just normal mama fear before). Now, I think sometimes my fears are unreasonable. I hope in time to be more like the Ceraks (they spoke at our church on Sunday, if you missed it, you missed a real blessing). I have to continue to let go and trust God completely. I know with all my heart that he loves me and he can carry me through anything but man I really don't want to loose anyone else. Thanks again for your comments and prayers. They are so appreciated.





"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

Journey to June: Thank You.

Thank you to all who prayed for me today. Thanks so much to Elizabeth who was so sweet to bring me some beautiful flowers from her yard and take care of the daycare so we could go! We chose to take Trenton with us (he is usually well behaved as long as it is just him-no sisters). However, I think today some of you may have prayed for him to be as honary as possible to help take my mind off the nature of the outing. We had lunch first (where he was very well behaved). Then headed to Woodward Monument Co. (I have listened closely to their radio ads long before we lost Trevor-I will share more of that story another time). Anyway as we entered the small building it smelled of flowers and seemed quite funerally (probably not a word) to me. The sweet lady greeted us. After we told her what we needed, she was quick to point us to the heart shaped stone for infants. It was grey slate and somewhat plain-not really what either of us had in mind. We kept looking and chose one that was slanted. We both wanted a black one, so that is what we went with. We went back inside. It was this point that Trenton came alive! You see this sweet lady has 2 grandchildren that live 400 miles away. So she had been ooohing and awwwing over T and how cute he is! Well, we got back in and he decided that the gravestones inside looked like perfect places to climb and jump off of. If I reminded him once, I had to remind him 100 times that we were not at the park so we shouldn't climb on those stones. He would smile sweetly and say ok momma and then go on to the next one. All the while Brandon & the sweet lady were asking me question after question-who knew there were so many options? We let Trenton decide what he thought Trevor might like and he chose a picture of a Tractor. I thought that was absolutely perfect! Since T loves tractors so much it only makes sense that his little brother would probably have loved them too! Brandon chose 2 crosses to go on each top corner. Early on we had chose James 1:17 as a verse for Trevor since he is a perfect gift from above. So we had that reference put on as well. The only time I really felt the emotions coming on was when she pulled the stone up on the computer screen with his name and his birthdate. She then turned to us for his date of death. Brandon said quietly it was the same. So she asked quietly do you want it on their once or twice? We responded just once. She said yes, that is how we did our childs. It was then that it hit me Trevor has no dash! I have a dash, all who read this have a dash. I often wonder what did I do today to make my dash count? It never hit me until I starred at that computer screen, my baby boy has no dash. It's just 1-4-10. He came & went all in one moment! Maybe that's why I feel so strongly that I NEED to be his dash. I need to fill in those gaps that he is not here to fill. Now that the stone is chosen, I can't wait to order it. Soon, hopefully soon. One sweet thing that T did do between jumping off stones was every time he saw an angel in there (and there were many) he would stop and say "look mama, I found Trevor, come see". So sweet, it just melted my heart. We have never said anything to him about Trevor being an angel (because we know he is not). However, somewhere along the way he has come to picture his baby brother that way. Of course we can't go to town without having to go to Wal-Mart. On the way there a kind lady had a trailer set up with Memorial flowers. We stopped and purchased some for Trevor. Brandon and I both went toward the same bunch at the same time. They were just perfect! So colorful and bright! I will try to post pics once I have placed them at the cemetery. All in all it was a good day. Thanks so much for your prayers. They are felt and appreciated!

"Every good & perfect gift is from above" James 1:17

Journey to June: The Grave Stone

Today I have a heavy heart. Those of you who know me best can probably tell based on all my entries today. I have found that on this journey the thing that helps me the most outside of being in God's word and talking with him is to write. I can write, I can cry, I can talk to God and write some more. It is so good for my soul! Brandon & I have tried & tried to find some time to make it to Woodward to look at grave stones. Our schedules have just not allowed for it. A big part of me has been relieved because at times I resent having to look for a grave stone when I know in my heart I would be picking out a nursery theme and cute little outfits right now. You know looking for just the right outfit to take him home from the hospital in. Adorable-yet comfortable all wrapped in one! The other part of me-the detailed part knows I need to get this done. It is really the final thing I can do for Trevor here on Earth. Yes, I know he is Heaven-he could care less about some silly stone down here. He is seeing streets of gold! But for me it's something we will have to remember him by. A material tribute to him. I drove out to the cemetary this evening by myself. It is the first time I have been there alone. It was a beautiful evening. So I just sat and talked to God for awhile. The breeze barely blowing through my hair. I could just sense the holy spirits presence there with me. I could just feel the love that my Savior has for me. He knows how much I hurt because he too hurts. I know on this journey he is always there right with me. I find great comfort in that. Brandon & I have planned (for a couple of weeks now) to take off tomorrow afternoon and look at grave stones. We have know idea what to expect. We have no idea what we want. Please pray that it will all be clear when we see it.

"Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy." Psalm 126:5

Journey to June: Once A Mommy-Forever A Mommy

Another poem given to me by a friend of a friend. I thought that I would share it with you.

The mother for her child unaffected by distance nor lessens by the passage of time between touches now lives with a lonesome heart.

The baby cradled in the arms of angels watches from above and waits in anticipipation of the rejoining.

The heavenly father comforting them healing them and loving them both assures a heavenly reunion.

Happy Babyloss Mother's Day to all of you who like me have a gatekeeper in Heaven that you are just waiting to reunite with.

Journey to June: "Spring will come my love"

I am often baffled at why to date in this journey I am on I have not really been mad at God. Disappointed? Yes! Confused? Yes! Mad? No (not yet anyway). Everything I have read about the grief process says that I will be. So I often get up and wonder-will today be the day? When God, when? Will it be when I see that pregnant lady walking down the street just glowing in the joy of pregnancy? Or will it come in June when I am out shopping and see mommies with their newborns? You know I can't avoid them babies are born everyday (Praise God). Babies are all around us! But when, when will the anger hit? Will it just hit me like a ton of bricks, I pray not. I am reading a wonderful newly released book by Angie Smith (she is the wife of Todd Smith of the Christian group Selah). There precious baby girl Audrey went to be with Jesus on April 7, 2008 and their testimony is AMAZING! I just love this passage from her book and pray that it will minister to others as well....

However easy it may be to allow myself to wail over my loss, it is a far more satisfying thing to believe that all of this is a brief season. The Lord I have placed my trust in tells me that I will see my Trevor again, and while he stands beside me, He weeps. He doesn't weep at the barren ground, nor does He mourn the browning branches. He cries because I can't see what he can. And in the fluttering of the breeze, with my heart pressed to His, I can hear him whisper, "Spring will come, my love."

What an amazing thing! Spring will come, my love! You will see your Trevor again, my love! Oh what a promise!

Joy in affliction is rooted in the hope of resurrection, but our experience of suffering also deepens the root of that hope.-John Piper

God is Good!

Wow! God is good! The strength & power of his love for us is amazing! We received word from her grandpa this morning that their sweet precious miracle made it through another night! Praise God! I know I keep saying it but this baby isn't suppossed to be here according to man. But guess what our GOD is so much bigger and his plans are so much greater than any of us can begin to imagine! They are home (which the doctors did not think would ever happen). Hospice care will be there with them but you know what God is still in control. That same God that has allowed this precious baby to be carried to term and live here among us for this time is still in control. Aren't you glad? I know I am!

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, and that my life is fleeing away." Psalm 39:4

I am convicted...

I have to share my heart for a moment. As I laid in bed early yesterday morning unable to sleep. I started praying for this precious baby that I have told you about. Praying, thanking God for the miracle of almost 24 hours-at that point. As I laid there praying as I have day and night for this baby since I heard her story back in January. This feeling of conviction just came all over me. How many times have I heard stories, thought how sad, written down the prayer request, taken it home in my Bible, prayed once, maybe twice and then moved on with my life? But not this time! I have prayed and prayed and prayed night and day for this precious baby. I have shared her story with family in other states and they have their churches praying. Why? You know why-Trevor Mark Hagins. I know what the pain of loosing a baby feels like now. I know how unbearable that pain can be! I NEVER wanted to here of anybody having to experience that kind of pain again! So I prayed for this family like I have never prayed before. Once again God has used Trevor's short life to bring me closer to him and to care more about others than myself. For this I am truly thankful!``Rejoice evermore.

"Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you" (1 Thes. 5:16-18)

I saw GOD today

I saw GOD today. No, he did not come to me in the form of a man like he did for so many of my Heroes that I have learned about in Sunday School. No, he did not look like the many artistic renditions I have seen. He did not speak to me, he did not have to. I saw him in the face of a precious baby girl just over 2 days old. A baby not expected to live any longer than a few moments after the umbilical cord was cut. A baby that had so many odds against her, yet I saw her living, breathing, looking around. She even smiled at me-evidence of God's grace. A true miracle right before my eyes. This precious baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 just before Christmas. It was encouraged for her mommy to abort her. Take her life and not have these wonderful moments with her precious baby. Yesterday the doctors shared with the family that this baby is the 7th baby born at that hospital (in Kansas) with Trisomy 18. Out of the other 6 the longest life was 30 minutes. Can you imagine just 30 minutes? Yet God has chosen to bless this family with over 2 days. What a miracle! The doctors have not given her any hope of survival (to my knowledge). The family is planning to take her off the oxygen tonight and let her go peacefully if that is God's plan. What an amazing sacrifice! They have been an amazing testimony to our family and we have been blessed in knowing them. I am so glad God allowed me to meet their precious miracle and allowed me to open my eyes to honestly say I saw God today! Please continue to join me in prayer for this precious family for I know that God is still alive and still at work all around us!

"Seek the LORD and his strength; SEEK his face continually." 1 Chronicles 16:11

Bereaved Mother

Have I told you I love poetry? It seems to touch my heart like nothing else can. I found this on a friend's blog and it seemed to sum up alot of my feelings right now.

Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks,she cleans, she works, she IS but she IS NOT all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

A child that loses a parent is an orphan.

A husband that loses his wife is a widower.

A wife who loses her husband is a widow.

However, there is no word for a parent that loses a child.

There is no word to describe such pain.

-author unknown

In this moment I am here Loving God, living my life, enjoying each day with my family but on January 4, 2010 a part of me left to be in Heaven for eternity. A part of me that I can not get back until the day God takes me home.