Man that sounds so good! Too bad it is not at all what I had hoped for. Please don't be quick to judge when you read this post. I have been hesitant to even write it for that reason. I also have much guilt as I know that I have so many friends out there who long to have just one child (on earth) and I have been blessed with 3---yes I get that. Yet, I still feel the pain.
Let's start at the beginning. October 21st, just one day after my birthday, I posted a status on facebook stating that I had just received the BEST birthday gift ever. Many of you saw it and questioned me as to what the gift was. I had posted that for my husband who ruined my surprise by not ever seeing the post. The day after my birthday I realized that I was late for the third time in the last year. I decided to take a pregnancy test---this time I only took one AFTER I was late. It was positive. It was the BEST birthday present ever! I immediately fell to my knees on the bathroom floor and thanked God with everything that I had and I begged him to let me keep this baby. Please let this be the one I have the privilege to carry to term and raise. A prayer I have never before prayed nor have I ever seen the need to. I then began to think of a way I could surprise B. Now that I have done it 5 times I have ran out of creative ideas. I went to google--nothing that seemed to fit us. So I decided to type the birthday present status on fb. Surely he would see it and ask what the present was. Nope---never saw it. A week later it was killing me that no one knew. I had to tell him. I was working at the daycare and just sent a text telling him to check my drawer in the bathroom. He immediately sent a text back. Is this from today? Silly guy. Of course it is current, why would I send him to the drawer to find an old test. Anyway, he was thrilled! We agreed not to share our news for a while. Each morning started and my night ended praying that same prayer, "Please Lord, let this be the baby you let me have on earth...". I would beg with all of my heart. About a week later, one afternoon, I was talking with Beth at the daycare and all of sudden had to make a mad dash to the bathroom. I have NEVER been so thrilled to throw-up in all of my life! So I shared my secret with Beth. She was as thrilled as B and I. Aren't good friends---Great!!! Well, within days I began to spot but I didn't loose hope. I just kept praying. The spotting turned to all out bleeding---still hoping and praying. I know my God is a God of miracles. Then last Sunday Morning as I sat in my Sunday School Class, I felt the feeling that I didn't want to feel. I lost our baby at just 6 weeks. Our third baby in 10 Months. We now have as many children waiting for us in Heaven as we have on earth. 6 kids total. Wow! How can this be Lord? How can this be? Again, please don't judge me. I know we all have different doctors and all of our doctors have very different opinions on how long to wait post miscarriage before you try to conceive again. When I lost Trevor in January--I lost a lot of blood. My blood counts were low enough that I was near needing a transfusion. I was in labor to deliver the placenta for well over 2 hours. Then the DNC. It was very hard on my body. The doctor recommended I wait 4 months--I waited almost 6. My miscarriage in August at 8 weeks was much less traumatic on my body. The doctor said that I was safe to try again the next month. He went on to say that at my age it would be to my benefit to try quickly while my hormone levels were elevated. I was hesitant at first but decided to leave it God's hands. I made the decision and here is where I am. I left it all in God's hands. I begged for Him to not take my baby but that was not His plan. I would LOVE to say that I understand. But I don't. I would LOVE to say that I am not heartbroken. But I am. I am crushed. I am wounded. I am hurting. But you know what..God is here. He LOVES me and He has never left my side. For that I am truly thankful! Do I miss my babies? Every day of my life! Those of you who have been on this journey through the joy and sorrow of my 2010. Please pray for me. I need it now more than ever.
" He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." Revelation 21:4-5
Oh what a promise!
Sickness, Swimming and Slime
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