So What Happened when God said No.

Last week I wrote about our Sunday School lesson about Hannah. I shared the verse from 1 Samuel 1:27 "I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of HIM." That verse has been on my mind all week long. What happens when God doesn't grant me what I ask for? I wish I had all of the answers but I mostly certainly do not. What I do know is my own life experience. In late Summer of 2009 I found out I was expecting our 4th child. While I knew Brandon and I had talked about having another baby this was NOT in our plans at that time. The timing just wasn't right in MY mind. For the first time in our married lives we were living without health insurance. In MY mind there was NO way we could afford a baby (big testimony of my faith...huh!) Sometimes.....well actually alot of times faith is hard for us planners. You want to know the WHOLE plan step by step. Then you can follow by Faith...hahaha. Right! You planners out there understand! Well, anyway this planner was completely caught off guard and this just wasn't in her plans. I was up night after night wondering God's plan. We checked with a couple of hospitals and found out it is OK to have a baby without health insurance. Did you know people do this all the time? Hospitals (and doctors) actually have payment plans. I hate to say this but in my sheltered, pampered little world.....I had NO idea. Once I knew it was going to be ok financially, I settled down a bit. However, I had already wasted weeks with worry. As life moved ahead we celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas and rang in the New Year. Once the new year rolled in I was ready to get ready for our precious baby. I wasn't due until June but I was ready. However, in just a few short days, on January 4th MY plans were changed again. God took Trevor home early that morning. I had no prior complications so again this planner's world was turned upside down. The planner in me was already planning in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. In between the pain of my contractions I focused on getting back home and getting on with life. I would get back home,  allow my body to heal, allow time for newly purchased health insurance (what a blessing God provided) to take effect and then I would quickly get pregnant again. We could still have a new baby in 2010 or early 2011 at the latest.....that was MY plan surely God would be agreeable to that....Right? HE ALWAYS gives ME just what I want....Right? The planner in me had NO idea how much my life was FOREVER changed that morning when Trevor was born in our home. The planner in me had NO idea how much of a roller coaster of emotions I would be on the next few months of life. The planner in me had NO idea that a HUGE part of who I am went to HEAVEN to be with JESUS that morning. But as I returned to real life the next day, I soon found out, that I would NEVER be the same! Many of you know the next parts of the story, if not you can check out past blog posts to get all of the details. But 2010 left me with two more babies in Heaven and alot of questions. I prayed and prayed that God would bless us with another child on earth. In Fall of 2011, on Halloween to be exact I had a hysterectomy after months of many health issues. It was in the weeks leading up to that, that I knew in my heart that God was not going to give me what I had asked for at least not in the way I had planned. Through the grace of God I was able to accept HIS answer. There are times when I don't understand and I know while I am on earth, I probably never will. But I know HE is faithful. I know HE loves me and I know HE knows the WHOLE plan and I can trust him completely. He may not always give me what I want but he has NEVER let me down. In the months leading up to the loss of Trevor, I had been praying and praying for God to draw me closer. It was the desire of my heart to be closer to HIM than I have ever been. I wanted to learn and to grow and to become more mature spiritually. I wanted so much more from my relationship with HIM. Guess what? In the months/years after the loss of Trevor I have had some of the closest times in my relationship with HIM. I have had the greatest desire to get to know HIM so much more. To learn as much about HIM as I can. My relationship with HIM is so much like my relationship with Brandon or anyone else on earth. In order to have a good relationship you have to invest time and energy into it. HE is always there with the desire to have fellowship with me. It's me who has to devote the time to spend with HIM. Trust me...it doesn't just happen because you teach Sunday School, are a deacon's wife or EVEN the wife of a Pastor. It comes through Time spent with him. Believe me I have tried the easy way and it just doesn't work. The past few years have taught me that things don't always go the way I want them to......And that's ok because God will ALWAYS see me through.

Still one of my favorite verses:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord." Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Unlikely Criminals!?

Last Friday the kids and I were preparing for a Moms Night Out that we were hosting at our church. I had planned to use the bouncy barn for all of our little friends to jump in. After talking with Brandon on Thursday evening he recommended that I get the additional extension cord that was in our storage building. On Friday afternoon Sammy, Kailey, T & I load up to head to the storage building, grab the cord and head to church. There was discussion in the van as we headed to the building. I had only been there on one occassion so I wasn't 100 percent sure which unit was ours. Kailey and Sammy both said it was one while T disagreed and said it was another. Sammy volunteered to get out and grab the cord. Sammy struggled with the lock while the three of us sat in the van looking on. I finally decided to get out and give her a hand. The lock on the unit was very small (I didn't remember that). I complained to myself about why in the world would Brandon put such a small lock on the unit. I fought the key and got it unlocked. I then had to fight to get the top of the lock out of the latch (I was still complaining to myself about why in the world B put such a small lock on the unit....I sure didn't remember that). Finally, I pulled the lock free and lifted that heavy door. Sammy and I stood in shock as we looked in that unit and then we turned looking at each other. There was stuff everywhere! I knew our unit would only contain our Season's Harvest racks and shelves. This unit contained a little bit of everything with NOTHING in boxes and I do mean NOTHING. Any one who knows the Hagins knows we believe in and USE boxes. I said "Uhhhh, Sammy this is NOT our building!" She starts to laugh. I start to try and pull down the door. It is stuck. Here we are in downtown Protection in someone elses storage unit and it is stuck open. I start to laugh. We both start laughing so hard that we can't even focus on getting the door down. In the meantime Trenton exits the van and makes his way over to us saying "I told you this wasn't the right one!" Unfortunately, once again T is right. I ask him to get back in the van. Sammy watches as I pull and push and pull and push on the door. She just laughs and laughs. I ask "What are we going to do? We can't just leave this door open." I pull and pull and finally get the door down. I quickly put the lock back on. I then cautiously open the door T had said. Sure enough there are the racks all neatly placed and the container that contained the cord I needed. I quickly grab the cord, close the door and we head to the church. I was so thankful for the laughter with my teenager. God knew just what we needed after a tough week. We both laughed so hard and suddenly nothing else mattered. Thank you God for times like these.


"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength." Proverbs 17:22

May 13, 2008

Some days come and go. While other days come and leave their dates etched in your mind. You are forever changed because that day happened. May 13, 2008 was one of those days. It started as a normal morning. I had worked my normal weekend nights at the hospital. We celebrated Mother's Day on Sunday. Brandon & the kids surprised me with a Big gift that year. An ipod. I was so surprised! I remember getting on to him for spending so much (we usually don't do big ticket gift items for md or fd). However, I was super excited about the gift. Monday found me catching up on my rest. 36 hours of work over 3 nights was always rough. Tuesday May 13, 2008 was just another day. Brandon had headed off to work. I took Sammy to school & returned home with Kailey & Trenton. I began to work on laundry and other household chores. The phone rang about mid-morning. It was B on the other end. He began the conversation by asking "Are you sitting down?" I chuckled as I found a place to sit down. The words that came next are probably some of the most shocking words that my husband has ever said to me. He said, "I was called in to the office this morning. The company can no longer afford to pay me. I don't have a job here anymore." I sat stunned for a moment. I turned and looked at our 1 and 3 year olds playing. I then asked, "Do you need a ride home?" B had driven his less than year old Toyota Camry (Company Car) to work that morning. He said, "No, I can drive the car home and return it by the end of the week." He said, "I will see you in a little while." Then he quoted Romans 8:28 to me. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." With that, we hung up the phone. B never sounded down or discouraged. He was completely confident in God's plan. Even though we didn't know what that plan was yet. All we knew for sure was that it didn't include him working at a company in downtown Tulsa any longer. I sat in the chair, tears flowing down my cheeks. I wish I could have been as confident in God's plan as he was. I think the shock was followed very quickly by anger. B had been called in to the office a week earlier and was given a promotion and a raise. B was a vice-president in the company. He had devoted 12 years of his life to the company. How could someone give you a promotion (& raise) one week and not be able to afford you the next? It was hard for my simple mind to understand. As I sat there in that chair, I knew that God had called Brandon into ministry in July 2007 during a revival. As I prayed for God to help me to forgive the owner of the company. As I prayed begging God to provide for the needs of our young family. I realized that God was just putting the pieces into place for Brandon to take the next step in ministry. For those of you who don't know, I am a Texas girl. I was born & raised In Texas. Brandon & I met & married there. We moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma in the Fall of 1996 to get away from all of the Dallas traffic. We decided a smaller community would be a better place to start a family. In January of 2004 we moved into the home we had planned to raise our children and some day retire in. As I think back to that day sitting in that chair. I would have never dreamed that 4 years later I would be sitting in a chair writing a blog in Kansas. I had never even been to Kansas. I had never even heard of Protection. I think it was Woody Allen who said "You want to make God laugh, tell him YOUR plans." While I am not a fan of Woody, I do chuckle at this statement. Brandon and I had BIG plans. He had a great job that provided a very nice income for our family. We had moved into our dream home. We had 3 great kids and what we thought was a good life. But those were all OUR plans. On May 13, 2008 God set in motion HIS plan and I have NEVER been the same. I am so thankful for a Godly husband with so much faith that he never even questioned God. What a great example he is to me and to our children.


"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28


What has God called you to do?

Only God Can Make Moms

Today in Sunday School our lesson was about Hannah. As I sat & listened to the discussion I couldn't help but think about how much Hannah wanted to be a mom. She wanted that more than anything. She prayed & prayed that God would give her a child. Hannah boldly prayed to God asking for a child. God chose to answer her prayers. The Bible says that He remembered Hannah. God gave her a son whom she named Samuel. As I sat & listened I couldn't help but think of all of the women I have known who like Hannah wanted a child. Just like Hannah they felt as though their lives would not be complete until they were moms. I am happy to say that God remembered many of the women that I know and they are now called mom too. For those of you who are still struggling with infertility, my prayers are with you.

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him." 1 Samuel 1:27

Changes.....

After months of lost sleep & lots of praying. I have decided to make a career change. I will be leaving the glamorous world of daycare.

It was a difficult application process. I had to interview with a panel and they were pretty tough.

Here are 2 of the panel members. Believe me they were Alot tougher than they look!

My Title?  I will be a Quality of Life Coordinator at a small domestic Engineering Firm. Here is my new office:

Apparently there will be lots of kisses at my new job.

This will be Tough Work. The smallest boss said he's got his eyes on me!

I'm looking forward to a more casual dress code. Apparantly this is acceptable. I think I will feel more comfortable wearing my pants.

Negotiations over my compensation have been tough! My new boss drives a hard bargain!

Apparantly he has convinced me to work even more hours for less pay.

 

 

My new employers are anxious for me to get started but I can't until March 5th. (That just happens to be the smallest of the bosses birthday)

Please join our family in prayer for the next chapter in our lives! We are excited to see what God has in store for us.

I need to Share...

Saturday October 15th is a day set aside to remember/celebrate babies lost too soon to miscarriage or still birth. As those of us who lost babies know we remember them much more often than one day a year but I am thankful for a mom who has taken the time to get a day set aside to remember them. That being said, my heart is heavy today and I want to share something with all of you suffering from repeated miscarriages. BE PROACTIVE! You know your body better than anyone else. Just over 20 months ago I lost Trevor at 17 weeks. I have no words to better describe that than TOTAL SHOCK! I have had 3 easy, healthy pregnancies resulting in 3 healthy children (I know, I am truly blessed). The doctor wrote Trevor off as just being incompatible with life. Just try again he said. At my follow-up appointment after the dnc I requested an exam (Not something I enjoy but I wanted to be certain everything was ok before we decided to try again). I was told exams don't tell you anything. Therefore he refused to do one. I sucked it up and went on with life. In July I found out we were expecting again. Thrilled, I called his office. The doctor wouldn't see me for several weeks. I called back concerned with some things I knew weren't right. I was told if I was going to miscarry there was nothing anyone could do. We won't see you before your scheduled appointment I was told. Unfortunately that was too late. When I went in to see him post miscarriage. I again was told incompatible with life. Brandon questioned the doctor this time. He said we have had 3 healthy pregnancies and now 2 losses. Can we do an exam, ultrasound, something? Can we see if something has changed? Again, we were told exams tell you nothing, ultrasounds won't show us anything. Again, we were told no. And....Just keep trying. I remember sitting there broken hearted thinking does he even realize we are talking about a baby? Our baby. A baby our family has celebrated! We went on our way. In October we found out we were expecting again. Another wonderful birthday gift! (I found out about Trevor in October too!) Again, same results.

September 27, 2011. After months of issues, I see a different doctor. He immediately does an exam. He immediately notices that things are not where they should be. He tells me he suspects fibroids. It was as if Brandon read my mind as he voiced the question...."I know we can't go back in time but would fibroids cause miscarriage?" Most definately was the response of the doctor. The doctors next words would break my heart once again...."Did you ever have an ultrasound with any of those pregnancies?" "No", I responded. "Not even an exam". The look of shock on his face said it all. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life. Sitting there, with the realization that at least 2 of my babies were NOT just incompatible with life. Instead, it was fibroids growing in my body taking over my uterus to the point that there was no spot for the fetus to attach. The ultrasound confirmed that. Again, let me say it...the ultrasound confirmed that! The ultrasound we had requested on more than one occassion. But this doctor knew upon exam that my uterus was pushed way out of place by the fibroids. Hmmmm.....so maybe exams do tell us something. Now my faith tells me that God is in control and what happened to me is all a part of HIS plan for me. However I felt like I should share my story. I think all to often babies lost to miscarriage are so common that doctors don't see the need or point of investigating since most miscarriages are out of anyones control. While I will never know if mine could have been prevented. I know that I would have had the fibroids taken care of before "trying again" after Trevor. If you know in your heart that something isn't right and you have a doctor who really isn't listening. Please get a second opinion. Find a doctor who will do an exam, ultrasound or whatever you need to know that there isn't more going on. I have learned that in addition to the fibroids, I have 2 other issues going on as well. It was a miracle that I even conceived 2 babies (after Trevor) in 2010. As the other issues almost always result in infertility. Those 2 babies are truly little miracles. Again, God is in control! I do not know what my future holds, but I do know that HE is in control and HE will NEVER leave me. For that, I am truly thankful.

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

Ordinary People

Ordinary People

Just ordinary people,

God uses ordinary people.

He chooses people just like me and you

Who are willing to do as He commands.

God uses people that will give Him all,

No matter how small your all may seem to you;

Because little becomes much as you place it in the Master's hand.

Oh, just like that little lad Who gave Jesus all he had;

How the multitude was fed

With the fish and the loaves of bread.

What you have may not seem much,

But when you yield it to the touch

Of the Master's loving hand, yes,

Then you'll understand how your life could NEVER be the same.     (Danniebelle Hall)