"YOUR NOT PREGNANT". How could 3 words hurt so much?? You know how when you are young and your parents always say (at least mine did!) "sticks and stones may break your bones but words well NEVER hurt you!" Well, guess what words CAN & DO hurt! Some words hurt for many years after they are said! Anyway, when I lost Trevor I lost a lot of blood. Since that time I have had to go in every 2 weeks for bloodwork. I am taking an enormous amount of Iron to re-build my blood count, however the doctor says it's going to be a while. They have also been checking my HCG (pregnancy hormone) level to make sure it gets back to zero. The doctor said as long as the number is NOT zero then my body still thinks I am pregnant. Crazy huh!? My brain knows I am no longer pregnant why can't my body catch up?! In the meantime I developed symptoms of what I believed to be a UTI several weeks ago so I have been taking antibiotics for that. Anyone envious of my life yet? No baby, low blood count, my body still thinks I am pregnant and UTI symptoms to boot! Sounds like fun huh! Sorry, I needed a little pity party there! LOL! Well, I went in for my bloodwork a couple of weeks ago and they wanted me to go ahead & do a urine culture. It seems that in our modern day techno society the DNC procedure is still not 100 percent accurate! They have to be careful to get all of the remaining tissue out yet not go so far as to take part of your uterus with it! Lovely huh! Well, it seems that due to my symptoms and my HCG level not yet being at zero, they thought that there may be some tissue left and then they would need to do a follow up DNC to get it out to prevent further infection. Therefore, I was just a little anxious for my results! 48 hours passed the time they were supposed to call, I finally called them. Keep in mind still having UTI symptoms=NOT FUN! I don't get the regular nurse but someone else instead. The usual nurse would have said your HCG level is at ---. However, the sweet little nurse I spoke with on this day said: "Well, Stacy your not pregnant. I was just IN SHOCK! I have seen my file and know that it says Miscarriage ALL OVER IT! So I am thinking-WELL DUH! But I am so glad that I called you today so you could give me that news again! It's not like I don't already think about it 100 times a day but I guess now it will be 101 today! I thank you! But I didn't say a word, I just sat there in silence trying to remember why I called in the first place! Then it came to me and I asked her, "What is my HCG level?" To which she replied 1.38. Which to me was great, so much better than before-almost zero. She then gave me the rest of my results. When I hung up the phone I began to cry as if I had lost Trevor all over again. For a moment I was mad at that nurse! Did she have any idea how much she had just hurt me? You know what, probably not! I am sure she was just busy and had not really looked at my file and had no intention of hurting me! And then I thought back through some of the things God has taught me through my experience! I owe a list of people a huge appology! I have had friends and family before me who have lost their babies before birth. Yes I was sad for them and yes I even prayed for them! But did I have any idea how much they LOVED that baby? No idea whatsoever! I NEVER KNEW THAT YOU COULD LOVE A BABY THAT YOU HAVE NEVER HAD ALIVE OUTSIDE THE WOMB AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE A BABY THAT YOU HAVE WITH YOU ON EARTH-BUT YOU CAN!! YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN! My love for Trevor is just as strong as my LOVE for Samantha, Kailey & Trenton. IT'S NO DIFFERENT! THEY ARE MY CHILDREN-HE IS MY CHILD! And though God didn't give me the privilege of knowing him on earth, he is still just as much my child as they are! I would have NEVER known any of this had I not lost him! Sad that it took me losing him to learn it, to feel it but I KNOW NOW! So to my friends or family who are reading my blog and have lost their baby I AM SORRY, SO SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS! I now know that the baby you lost was your precious child and the grief you have is REAL! YOU LOST A CHILD, not a piece of tissue, A CHILD! So I pray that myself and others will ALWAYS treat it as that! I appologize for the harsh post but needed to get it off my heart. Thanks for listening. And by the way, I am feeling alot better physically now for those of you who have been praying, I thank you!
"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. " Psalm19:14
The Hardest Part
8 hours ago