6 Weeks ago I lost Trevor. 6 weeks. By the world's standard 6 weeks is the time to return to work after a full term delivery. Funny thing is I carried Trevor a little less than half of term and yet my physical recovery took longer than any of my full term babies. I wonder why? 6 weeks. Some would say that's plenty of time to recover emotionally. I've been told it should be easier since I never knew him. Oh how I wish that were true! What is the timeline for emotional recovery? I have searched for answers to this with no success. I remember looking through a catalog from a company called "A Place to Remember" just a few days after losing Trevor. There was a book similar to a baby book to journal about the baby you lost. It was designed to go from pregnancy until what would be your child's tenth birthday. I freaked out! I couldn't believe it! 10 Years! All I could think was am I going to be in this much pain for 10 years? Wow-that's when it hit me my life really was forever changed! It all happened so fast! As hard as so much of this journey is it is also such a blessing. I have NEVER felt so close to God. Man have I needed him daily this last 6 weeks. Would I have needed him so much had I carried Trevor to June and been blessed with a healthy baby boy? I wonder. Passed experience says probably not. I have been blessed with 3 healthy babies. Their births all brought me great joy and thanksgiving to God! For I knew without him they would not be here. My hearts's desire has always been to raise my children to love the Lord with all of their hearts and I have been concerned about this from conception. But if I am 100 percent honest with you in the joyful, sleepless days that have followed my previous children's births I have never NEEDED God like I NEED him now. What a blessing! And Shame on me! Why does it take losing something so precious to realize how much we truly need God? I am learning and growing so much each day and I owe it all to Trevor! What a blessing his short life has been to me! I have NEVER felt so close to my family. I cherish every moment with them! I miss not having Trevor (in my belly) with us but feel I owe it to him to enjoy all of our family time twice as much! Once for me and once for him! He is so much a part of our family! My kids talk about him almost daily. Not in a tearful sad way but in a I can't wait to see Trevor in Heaven way! We have NEVER talked about Heaven as much as we do now! We owe that to Trevor too. He has changed our family forever! I am so thankful that my kids can talk about him openly and with the HOPE they will see their brother again! What a BLESSING! So although the past 6 weeks has been so painful at times it has also been full of blessings that I would have never known had I not lost my Trevor. For this I am so thankful!
"Now all that I know is hazy and blurred, but then I will see everything clearly, just as clearly as God sees into my heart right now" 1 Corinthians 13:12
Cookies and Communion
3 hours ago