Another One bites the dust.........

Those are the only words I can think of to describe another decade gone by.

I am still having a hard time saying good by to my thirties but I haven't much choice. But as I look back over the last ten years, it would take far more than two hands to count my many, many blessings.

Some of the most memorable have been the births of Kailey & Trenton. Sammy became a teenager (How did that happen?). Kailey started Kindergarten. Brandon & I celebrated our 10th & 15th wedding anniversaries. Brandon was called by God during a revival to leave his Corporate Career to become a minister. We packed up our family & moved to Kansas away from all family & friends. God blessed us with new friends. I have been a stay at home mom. I was blessed with a Wonderful opportunity to work at Saint Francis Children's Hospital PICU for 8 months right before we re-located to Kansas. I LOVED that job! God blessed me with my own daycare which grew far beyond what I ever would have imagined. I had the privilege of taking care of some incredible kids & made some amazing friends along the way. God called me back in to the role of Stay at Home Mom this year. I miss the kids a ton but LOVE the time I have with my own family. I have had the opportunity to volunteer at the Crisis Pregnancy Center in Woodward  in some of my free time. I also have the AMAZING privilege of being a year round volunteer with Operation Christmas Child (a ministry so close to my heart). I pray that in the next decade God will open the door for me to be able to deliver Christmas boxes to those sweet children. This has always been a dream of mine. I have said goodbye to Brandon's grandma, My pee-paw & paw-paw who now reside in Heaven. I have also grieved three children who followed them there. I have had a few successes and many failures. I have had lots of happiness but also times of pain that were too terrible for words. But through it all God was always there! The last 10 years have flown by in a blink. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me in the next 10........


"So teach ME to number my days so that I may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

When Love Takes You In...........

I remember it as though it were yesterday. I remember the hundreds of couples around us. I remember the smells. I remember the cool crisp Fall Air outside that morning. Saturday October 18, 2003. A Day to Remember for Couples, a one day event put on by Family Life (a scaled down version of a Weekend to Remember). This was our first marital retreat (if you have never been to a marriage retreat, I highly recommend you take advantage of the opportunity if you ever have one). Brandon & I didn't have any real marital issues that we were aware of. When he had asked what I wanted to do for my birthday, I had requested we go to this and he had agreed. Sammy was 4 1/2 years old. She was still an only child & the center of our world. We decided a day to focus on our relationship as a couple might be in order. My in-laws gladly volunteered to take care of Sammy (the only grandchild). She wasn't spoiled at all! As we drove to Reunion Arena that morning, I had no idea what God had in store for us that day! The conference was excellent! They kept speaking of a HUGE surprise that had instore for us! The surprise was an appearance by Christian Artist Steven Curtis Chapman. Brandon & I are BIG fans so we were excited he was there to sing for us. He began to talk about adoption (he & Mary Beth had just adopted their first daughter from China (they later adopted 2 more)), he spoke of the millions of unwanted children in the world,then he showed the video of When Love takes you in....Tears were flowing down both Brandon & my faces. We had been praying for a baby for months. Sammy was praying & asking for a baby sister at least once a day. All of her closest friends had younger siblings at this point, so she didn't understand why she wasn't a BIG sister yet. Truth is...we didn't understand either. All of her friends parents, who were our friends were always saying...It's your turn...or When are ya'll going to have another one?? We were too broken hearted to share that we were trying, hopeful & praying. So we would laugh it off publicly while silently our hearts were broken. As the lyrics of the song played I could hear God calling us to adoption. It was as if Brandon & I were the only ones in that arena with God. I quietly said Yes, Lord, I will gladly take an unloved, unwanted child & show him or her love. To be honest, I really believed at that moment that Sammy would be our only biological child and at that moment I was ok with that. Brandon & I had long conversations with each other and with God in the months to come. We were both ready and willing to do whatever He called us to do. We both longed for more children whatever way God saw fit to bring them into our family. Those who know our family know that God was gracious to us and allowed us to conceive 5 more times. We have been so blessed! We have Kailey & Trenton on loan to us on earth (in addition to Sammy) and Trevor and 2 other sweet little gatekeepers waiting to greet us some day in Heaven (oh what a day that will be!). But always in the back of our minds has been that call to adopt. I don't believe that God removed that calling when he chose to bless us with 5 more biological children. He was just saying it will be in my time not yours. In the last 6 months he has been speaking to Brandon & I saying, It is time, It is time, over and over and over again. I think we must be slow learners. Our kids are so excited and have been praying too. They are all hoping for a brother younger than Trenton but we are all willing to accept whatever God has in store for us. We just keeping praying for that orphan out there who belongs in our family. We have so much love to give and can't wait to get him or her home. I realize that the journey ahead will not be an easy one. I have come to learn that God doesn't call us to easy! I also realize that God will be right here with us to see us through. I covet your prayers as we embrace God's calling.


^{"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after the orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27} 

I Know It's ONLY a Number........BUT

Today is October 1st (where has the year gone?) and marks just 19 days until I hit another milestone in my life. The end of another decade. If I am honest, I will admit that I have been dreading this birthday for at least 2 years now. The funny thing is I spent my whole 38th year of life thinking I was 39. Brandon was always quick to correct me when I would say my age, we would argue about it for a second and then I would do some quick math and realize.....oh I am only 38. I would take a deep breath and then forget again by the next time I needed to know my age for something. So this year I really am 39 again! But the end of 39 is just days away. I have never really had a difficult time with any age so I don't know why 40 is so hard to swallow. Maybe it's because I know I will never be a mommy again (at least not by carrying a baby in my womb) but I don't think that is it. I really think I dealt with all of that last year. So maybe it's because in reality my life is probably about half over. In looking back over the first half I haven't accomplished much. I hope to accomplish so much more (for the Kingdom) in my next 40. I am not sure if that is even it though. Anyway, I was blessed to go to Wonderful Weekend for Women a couple of weeks ago. I was even more blessed by attending a Conference on International Adoption led by Melissa. She adopted a beautiful baby named Mercy out of Uganda. Sadly, Mercy's mama died giving birth to her and her dad was killed before she was born. Little Mercy came into this world an Orphan but now has a loving family and resides in Kansas. Melissa also shared about Child Birth in Uganda. The women have to provide their own supplies for childbirth or they are turned away by the hospital. The supplies cost $7.00 that isn't much to many Americans but in Uganda $7.00 represents one half of one months salary for a man. Yikes!!! God caught my attention, there must be something I can do. I can certainly afford to provide a few kits God. I came back to Protection and shared the story with our church and asked them about praying to provide kits. Many of them have joined me to provide kits. Then it hit me, let's turn my 40th birthday into a celebration. A celebration for those mamas in Uganda. Our $7 can mean the difference between life and death for those mamas and the babies they hope to deliver. Although, I still am not real excited about turning 40, I am excited about the opportunity to present Mercy for Mamas enough money to purchase at least 40 Mama Kits for my 40th Birthday. Please join me in the celebration and help prevent mamas from dying and leaving orphans behind. Uganda doesn't need anymore orphans.


"So teach ME to number my days so that I may gain a heart of wisdom" Psalm 90:12

Sweet Innocence

We started the day with a BIG breakfast (not really normal for us during the week) but it was a special day. We had scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, bisquits and Sammy made chocolate chip & blueberry mini muffins. Sakura ate a little of everything but went back for seconds on the chocolate chip muffins. The kids all played Super Mario on the Wii. Trenton loves playing Wii with Sakura. She just smiles & laughs everytime he speaks to her. We headed to the farm to check on the bunnies. Sakura petted the smallest one today. We laughed at the goats as they greeted us. The piglets were somewhere in the shade as it was quite hot out. We then headed back to town. We ate bow-tie pasta, corn & oranges for lunch. Sakura brought us each our own set of chopstixs. She tried to teach us how to use them. Sammy, Kailey & I did pretty good although we don't hold them correctly, we are able to eat. Trenton used stabbing as his method of choice. Sakura laughed & laughed. I think he had way more food on the floor then he did in his belly. After lunch we headed to the pool. Sakura has the most adorable swimsuit that I have ever seen. After seeing her swimsuit and the swimsuit on the other young lady from Japan I have decided Japanese teenage girls are wayyyyyy more modest than their American counterparts. I really like that! I noticed yesterday when she arrived that she had a lot of Winnie the Pooh items. She also loves Mickey Mouse & Donald Duck. There's just something about her love for them that speaks sweet innocence to me. Those are characters Sammy hasn't really made mention of since Kindergarten. Kailey too has replaced them with names like Justin Bieber & One Direction. We spent our evening at a dp/t-ball party at the pool. We had hot dogs & chips (no chopstix). When we returned home Allison, Addie & Joycelyn came over to meet our new friend. She shared her album with them and even some Japanese money. Sammy & Sakura spent some time playing outside with them. I must say that I am completely fascinated with her. I have never been out of the country so this is quite an experience for this small-town girl. Last night she would not admit to being tired, tonight when asked, she quickly said yes. I think we all are.


Favorite Memory of the Day: I LOVED watching so many kids at the pool welcome Sakura.

She's Here!

Meet Sakura

She made it this evening after a long road trip today. We had so much fun this evening just getting to know a little more about her. We had dinner in our home tonight. We had American food with a touch of Japanese mixed in. We had chicken strips, Japanese style white rice, Italian Green Beans w/onions followed by Pineapple. She tried everything and even cleaned her plate (which is more than I can say for my own children, they were too excited) She got really excited when we got out the Pocky (a Japanese snack we picked up at the grocery store). Then we took a drive out to a farm where we checked on some bunnies for some friends. She was grinning from ear to ear looking at the bunnies. We then showed her their pigs and all of the new piglets. I don't think she had ever seem a pig that close before. We then returned home where we played a high stakes game of UNO ATTACK. Kailey beat us all this round. She brought us all gifts so it was like Christmas morning around here. T really liked the Japanese candy she brought. I think he ate the whole bag! She brought us all chopstixs so we will give those a try tomorrow. We finished the evening by looking through a book that she made for us. She shared about her family, their home, her school, holidays they celebrate & their vacation last Summer. It was a true learning experience for me. In my last post I said we are growing, meaning by one in our family (for a time). But I know through this experience we will all be growing so much more! We have NEVER had any one in our home for more than a week (& that was family & a close friend). I was impressed by our 13 year old this evening by how she treated our guest with such poise & grace and how in spite of communication challenges she continued to make conversation with our new friend. I am looking forward to the weeks ahead and I plan to share as much as I can. Thanks for all of the prayers for safe travel and smooth transitions. God is so good!

Favorite Memory of today: The look on Sakura's face as the much taller Sammy was showing her around our home. Sakura kept looking up at Sam like she was a giant. It was classic!

We are growing....

Our family is growing (for a few weeks) and we are so excited! We are hosting a young lady from Japan. She will arrive on Monday and she & Sammy will be sharing a room for 4 weeks. She will also be joining us for Super Summer Church camp as well as several other activities. Brandon has wanted to host for a few years now so after much prayer, here we go....

Prayers for safe travel and smooth transitions will be much appreciated.

So What Happened when God said No.

Last week I wrote about our Sunday School lesson about Hannah. I shared the verse from 1 Samuel 1:27 "I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of HIM." That verse has been on my mind all week long. What happens when God doesn't grant me what I ask for? I wish I had all of the answers but I mostly certainly do not. What I do know is my own life experience. In late Summer of 2009 I found out I was expecting our 4th child. While I knew Brandon and I had talked about having another baby this was NOT in our plans at that time. The timing just wasn't right in MY mind. For the first time in our married lives we were living without health insurance. In MY mind there was NO way we could afford a baby (big testimony of my faith...huh!) Sometimes.....well actually alot of times faith is hard for us planners. You want to know the WHOLE plan step by step. Then you can follow by Faith...hahaha. Right! You planners out there understand! Well, anyway this planner was completely caught off guard and this just wasn't in her plans. I was up night after night wondering God's plan. We checked with a couple of hospitals and found out it is OK to have a baby without health insurance. Did you know people do this all the time? Hospitals (and doctors) actually have payment plans. I hate to say this but in my sheltered, pampered little world.....I had NO idea. Once I knew it was going to be ok financially, I settled down a bit. However, I had already wasted weeks with worry. As life moved ahead we celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas and rang in the New Year. Once the new year rolled in I was ready to get ready for our precious baby. I wasn't due until June but I was ready. However, in just a few short days, on January 4th MY plans were changed again. God took Trevor home early that morning. I had no prior complications so again this planner's world was turned upside down. The planner in me was already planning in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. In between the pain of my contractions I focused on getting back home and getting on with life. I would get back home,  allow my body to heal, allow time for newly purchased health insurance (what a blessing God provided) to take effect and then I would quickly get pregnant again. We could still have a new baby in 2010 or early 2011 at the latest.....that was MY plan surely God would be agreeable to that....Right? HE ALWAYS gives ME just what I want....Right? The planner in me had NO idea how much my life was FOREVER changed that morning when Trevor was born in our home. The planner in me had NO idea how much of a roller coaster of emotions I would be on the next few months of life. The planner in me had NO idea that a HUGE part of who I am went to HEAVEN to be with JESUS that morning. But as I returned to real life the next day, I soon found out, that I would NEVER be the same! Many of you know the next parts of the story, if not you can check out past blog posts to get all of the details. But 2010 left me with two more babies in Heaven and alot of questions. I prayed and prayed that God would bless us with another child on earth. In Fall of 2011, on Halloween to be exact I had a hysterectomy after months of many health issues. It was in the weeks leading up to that, that I knew in my heart that God was not going to give me what I had asked for at least not in the way I had planned. Through the grace of God I was able to accept HIS answer. There are times when I don't understand and I know while I am on earth, I probably never will. But I know HE is faithful. I know HE loves me and I know HE knows the WHOLE plan and I can trust him completely. He may not always give me what I want but he has NEVER let me down. In the months leading up to the loss of Trevor, I had been praying and praying for God to draw me closer. It was the desire of my heart to be closer to HIM than I have ever been. I wanted to learn and to grow and to become more mature spiritually. I wanted so much more from my relationship with HIM. Guess what? In the months/years after the loss of Trevor I have had some of the closest times in my relationship with HIM. I have had the greatest desire to get to know HIM so much more. To learn as much about HIM as I can. My relationship with HIM is so much like my relationship with Brandon or anyone else on earth. In order to have a good relationship you have to invest time and energy into it. HE is always there with the desire to have fellowship with me. It's me who has to devote the time to spend with HIM. Trust me...it doesn't just happen because you teach Sunday School, are a deacon's wife or EVEN the wife of a Pastor. It comes through Time spent with him. Believe me I have tried the easy way and it just doesn't work. The past few years have taught me that things don't always go the way I want them to......And that's ok because God will ALWAYS see me through.

Still one of my favorite verses:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord." Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Unlikely Criminals!?

Last Friday the kids and I were preparing for a Moms Night Out that we were hosting at our church. I had planned to use the bouncy barn for all of our little friends to jump in. After talking with Brandon on Thursday evening he recommended that I get the additional extension cord that was in our storage building. On Friday afternoon Sammy, Kailey, T & I load up to head to the storage building, grab the cord and head to church. There was discussion in the van as we headed to the building. I had only been there on one occassion so I wasn't 100 percent sure which unit was ours. Kailey and Sammy both said it was one while T disagreed and said it was another. Sammy volunteered to get out and grab the cord. Sammy struggled with the lock while the three of us sat in the van looking on. I finally decided to get out and give her a hand. The lock on the unit was very small (I didn't remember that). I complained to myself about why in the world would Brandon put such a small lock on the unit. I fought the key and got it unlocked. I then had to fight to get the top of the lock out of the latch (I was still complaining to myself about why in the world B put such a small lock on the unit....I sure didn't remember that). Finally, I pulled the lock free and lifted that heavy door. Sammy and I stood in shock as we looked in that unit and then we turned looking at each other. There was stuff everywhere! I knew our unit would only contain our Season's Harvest racks and shelves. This unit contained a little bit of everything with NOTHING in boxes and I do mean NOTHING. Any one who knows the Hagins knows we believe in and USE boxes. I said "Uhhhh, Sammy this is NOT our building!" She starts to laugh. I start to try and pull down the door. It is stuck. Here we are in downtown Protection in someone elses storage unit and it is stuck open. I start to laugh. We both start laughing so hard that we can't even focus on getting the door down. In the meantime Trenton exits the van and makes his way over to us saying "I told you this wasn't the right one!" Unfortunately, once again T is right. I ask him to get back in the van. Sammy watches as I pull and push and pull and push on the door. She just laughs and laughs. I ask "What are we going to do? We can't just leave this door open." I pull and pull and finally get the door down. I quickly put the lock back on. I then cautiously open the door T had said. Sure enough there are the racks all neatly placed and the container that contained the cord I needed. I quickly grab the cord, close the door and we head to the church. I was so thankful for the laughter with my teenager. God knew just what we needed after a tough week. We both laughed so hard and suddenly nothing else mattered. Thank you God for times like these.


"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength." Proverbs 17:22

May 13, 2008

Some days come and go. While other days come and leave their dates etched in your mind. You are forever changed because that day happened. May 13, 2008 was one of those days. It started as a normal morning. I had worked my normal weekend nights at the hospital. We celebrated Mother's Day on Sunday. Brandon & the kids surprised me with a Big gift that year. An ipod. I was so surprised! I remember getting on to him for spending so much (we usually don't do big ticket gift items for md or fd). However, I was super excited about the gift. Monday found me catching up on my rest. 36 hours of work over 3 nights was always rough. Tuesday May 13, 2008 was just another day. Brandon had headed off to work. I took Sammy to school & returned home with Kailey & Trenton. I began to work on laundry and other household chores. The phone rang about mid-morning. It was B on the other end. He began the conversation by asking "Are you sitting down?" I chuckled as I found a place to sit down. The words that came next are probably some of the most shocking words that my husband has ever said to me. He said, "I was called in to the office this morning. The company can no longer afford to pay me. I don't have a job here anymore." I sat stunned for a moment. I turned and looked at our 1 and 3 year olds playing. I then asked, "Do you need a ride home?" B had driven his less than year old Toyota Camry (Company Car) to work that morning. He said, "No, I can drive the car home and return it by the end of the week." He said, "I will see you in a little while." Then he quoted Romans 8:28 to me. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." With that, we hung up the phone. B never sounded down or discouraged. He was completely confident in God's plan. Even though we didn't know what that plan was yet. All we knew for sure was that it didn't include him working at a company in downtown Tulsa any longer. I sat in the chair, tears flowing down my cheeks. I wish I could have been as confident in God's plan as he was. I think the shock was followed very quickly by anger. B had been called in to the office a week earlier and was given a promotion and a raise. B was a vice-president in the company. He had devoted 12 years of his life to the company. How could someone give you a promotion (& raise) one week and not be able to afford you the next? It was hard for my simple mind to understand. As I sat there in that chair, I knew that God had called Brandon into ministry in July 2007 during a revival. As I prayed for God to help me to forgive the owner of the company. As I prayed begging God to provide for the needs of our young family. I realized that God was just putting the pieces into place for Brandon to take the next step in ministry. For those of you who don't know, I am a Texas girl. I was born & raised In Texas. Brandon & I met & married there. We moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma in the Fall of 1996 to get away from all of the Dallas traffic. We decided a smaller community would be a better place to start a family. In January of 2004 we moved into the home we had planned to raise our children and some day retire in. As I think back to that day sitting in that chair. I would have never dreamed that 4 years later I would be sitting in a chair writing a blog in Kansas. I had never even been to Kansas. I had never even heard of Protection. I think it was Woody Allen who said "You want to make God laugh, tell him YOUR plans." While I am not a fan of Woody, I do chuckle at this statement. Brandon and I had BIG plans. He had a great job that provided a very nice income for our family. We had moved into our dream home. We had 3 great kids and what we thought was a good life. But those were all OUR plans. On May 13, 2008 God set in motion HIS plan and I have NEVER been the same. I am so thankful for a Godly husband with so much faith that he never even questioned God. What a great example he is to me and to our children.


"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28


What has God called you to do?

Only God Can Make Moms

Today in Sunday School our lesson was about Hannah. As I sat & listened to the discussion I couldn't help but think about how much Hannah wanted to be a mom. She wanted that more than anything. She prayed & prayed that God would give her a child. Hannah boldly prayed to God asking for a child. God chose to answer her prayers. The Bible says that He remembered Hannah. God gave her a son whom she named Samuel. As I sat & listened I couldn't help but think of all of the women I have known who like Hannah wanted a child. Just like Hannah they felt as though their lives would not be complete until they were moms. I am happy to say that God remembered many of the women that I know and they are now called mom too. For those of you who are still struggling with infertility, my prayers are with you.

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him." 1 Samuel 1:27

Changes.....

After months of lost sleep & lots of praying. I have decided to make a career change. I will be leaving the glamorous world of daycare.

It was a difficult application process. I had to interview with a panel and they were pretty tough.

Here are 2 of the panel members. Believe me they were Alot tougher than they look!

My Title?  I will be a Quality of Life Coordinator at a small domestic Engineering Firm. Here is my new office:

Apparently there will be lots of kisses at my new job.

This will be Tough Work. The smallest boss said he's got his eyes on me!

I'm looking forward to a more casual dress code. Apparantly this is acceptable. I think I will feel more comfortable wearing my pants.

Negotiations over my compensation have been tough! My new boss drives a hard bargain!

Apparantly he has convinced me to work even more hours for less pay.

 

 

My new employers are anxious for me to get started but I can't until March 5th. (That just happens to be the smallest of the bosses birthday)

Please join our family in prayer for the next chapter in our lives! We are excited to see what God has in store for us.

I need to Share...

Saturday October 15th is a day set aside to remember/celebrate babies lost too soon to miscarriage or still birth. As those of us who lost babies know we remember them much more often than one day a year but I am thankful for a mom who has taken the time to get a day set aside to remember them. That being said, my heart is heavy today and I want to share something with all of you suffering from repeated miscarriages. BE PROACTIVE! You know your body better than anyone else. Just over 20 months ago I lost Trevor at 17 weeks. I have no words to better describe that than TOTAL SHOCK! I have had 3 easy, healthy pregnancies resulting in 3 healthy children (I know, I am truly blessed). The doctor wrote Trevor off as just being incompatible with life. Just try again he said. At my follow-up appointment after the dnc I requested an exam (Not something I enjoy but I wanted to be certain everything was ok before we decided to try again). I was told exams don't tell you anything. Therefore he refused to do one. I sucked it up and went on with life. In July I found out we were expecting again. Thrilled, I called his office. The doctor wouldn't see me for several weeks. I called back concerned with some things I knew weren't right. I was told if I was going to miscarry there was nothing anyone could do. We won't see you before your scheduled appointment I was told. Unfortunately that was too late. When I went in to see him post miscarriage. I again was told incompatible with life. Brandon questioned the doctor this time. He said we have had 3 healthy pregnancies and now 2 losses. Can we do an exam, ultrasound, something? Can we see if something has changed? Again, we were told exams tell you nothing, ultrasounds won't show us anything. Again, we were told no. And....Just keep trying. I remember sitting there broken hearted thinking does he even realize we are talking about a baby? Our baby. A baby our family has celebrated! We went on our way. In October we found out we were expecting again. Another wonderful birthday gift! (I found out about Trevor in October too!) Again, same results.

September 27, 2011. After months of issues, I see a different doctor. He immediately does an exam. He immediately notices that things are not where they should be. He tells me he suspects fibroids. It was as if Brandon read my mind as he voiced the question...."I know we can't go back in time but would fibroids cause miscarriage?" Most definately was the response of the doctor. The doctors next words would break my heart once again...."Did you ever have an ultrasound with any of those pregnancies?" "No", I responded. "Not even an exam". The look of shock on his face said it all. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life. Sitting there, with the realization that at least 2 of my babies were NOT just incompatible with life. Instead, it was fibroids growing in my body taking over my uterus to the point that there was no spot for the fetus to attach. The ultrasound confirmed that. Again, let me say it...the ultrasound confirmed that! The ultrasound we had requested on more than one occassion. But this doctor knew upon exam that my uterus was pushed way out of place by the fibroids. Hmmmm.....so maybe exams do tell us something. Now my faith tells me that God is in control and what happened to me is all a part of HIS plan for me. However I felt like I should share my story. I think all to often babies lost to miscarriage are so common that doctors don't see the need or point of investigating since most miscarriages are out of anyones control. While I will never know if mine could have been prevented. I know that I would have had the fibroids taken care of before "trying again" after Trevor. If you know in your heart that something isn't right and you have a doctor who really isn't listening. Please get a second opinion. Find a doctor who will do an exam, ultrasound or whatever you need to know that there isn't more going on. I have learned that in addition to the fibroids, I have 2 other issues going on as well. It was a miracle that I even conceived 2 babies (after Trevor) in 2010. As the other issues almost always result in infertility. Those 2 babies are truly little miracles. Again, God is in control! I do not know what my future holds, but I do know that HE is in control and HE will NEVER leave me. For that, I am truly thankful.

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

Ordinary People

Ordinary People

Just ordinary people,

God uses ordinary people.

He chooses people just like me and you

Who are willing to do as He commands.

God uses people that will give Him all,

No matter how small your all may seem to you;

Because little becomes much as you place it in the Master's hand.

Oh, just like that little lad Who gave Jesus all he had;

How the multitude was fed

With the fish and the loaves of bread.

What you have may not seem much,

But when you yield it to the touch

Of the Master's loving hand, yes,

Then you'll understand how your life could NEVER be the same.     (Danniebelle Hall)

I will hold on with ALL of my MIGHT!

If there is anything that I have learned over the past 20 months it is that my priorities can change in an instant. In the days, weeks & months following the loss of Trevor, boy did my focus change! My main priority was to learn EVERYTHING I could about the Lord God who saved me many years ago & who was now taking care of my precious son. The son only HE could give. The son only HE could take. Oh I have been in church all of my life & have read my Bible and had a prayer life for many years but I needed so much more! The next thing is my family. I want to spend every second I can with them realizing now how precious and fleeting those moments truly are! The past few days have once again become a reminder of how fast my priorities can change. After some recent abnormalities I decided (or Brandon convinced me) to pay a visit to my Gyno. Immediately upon exam he knew there was a problem. He sent me for lab (it only took 3 sweet little lab ladies & 7 sticks to get my blood, my veins don't like to share-never have!) and then for ultrasound. The young tech was very sweet & confirmed that the fibroids he suspected were there in full force & she sent us on our way. The doctor told me surgery would need to be done asap and that Brandon & I would have to decide rather or not to preserve my fertility based on the results. He said I might have 3 surgery options (1 would preserve the option of more children but we would have to act fast & I would be a c-setion patient from now on) The other 2 options would mean the end of a hope. The end of my prayers.. The other 2 would mean I would never again sit here and dream of holding a sweet little newborn that I, by the grace of God brought into this world, in my arms. Cuddling them for hours just to smell their sweet little skin. The other 2 options would mean an end to my life as I know it right now. If I had talked to you last night, my priority would have been, let's preserve my fertility for as long as I can. Let's hold on to that hope....at least for a little longer.....Just let me dream.....I want to HOLD ON WITH ALL OF MIGHT! As I said before, priorities can change.....in an instant.

That instant came about 1:30 this afternoon. I received the call I had been waiting for from my doctor. The one where he was going to tell me I have some choices to make (at least that is what I hoped) or he would tell me that I only had the option of the hysterectomy. Either way----I was mentally prepared to be sitting down with Brandon tonight to discuss when/how this surgery was going to happen. The doctor began with going over the fibroids he had found that were confirmed through the ultrasound. He quickly gave me the dimensions of each one and went on to say that by those he was not surprised. The tone in his voice quickly changed as he went on... He started by saying how surprised he was, by something else. Something that the radiologist had spotted & given him a call to discuss. His next few words were all about biopsies, bad cells, masses, microscopes & so on. His words echoed in my ear as he said---we cannot go forward with any surgery until we get this under a microscope. His next words would cut through me to the core of my very being. To preserve your fertility is probably not an option at this point, but YOU need to decide how important that is to you. How important that is to Brandon. We will talk more when I see you in my office for the biopsy And with that, the conversation ended. After the past 20 months since the loss of Trevor I NEVER thought it would come down to a conversation like that. I have always believed God would bless me with 1 more baby and I would happily ease into menopause when the time was right. If there is anything that I have learned over the past 20 months it is that God's plans aren't always my plans. In fact lately it seems they rarely are! But I have also learned that he is the ONE, the ONLY ONE I can trust! He sees the BIG picture, the BIG plan! I am only blessed enough to see a small part of it! As I said before, in the last 24 hours my priorities have changed... "I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting...but will HOLD on to Jesus-----FOR LIFE!" Fertility, just like anything else in this life, is fleeting! We only have it for as long as God allows. It is something we have no control over! But I can HOLD on to Jesus----FOR LIFE!!!

I know many who read this blog are prayer warriors. I don't ask often but Brandon & I covet your prayers at this time. I will go for a biopsy on October 12th. (My doctor leaves for vacation tomorrow & will not return until then) God has already answered so many prayers in this situation. My main prayer & the prayer of my friends going into this were for answers. God answered that prayer....I got answers. My next prayer is still for wisdom for the doctor & his team. Wisdom for Brandon & I. And most of all, I would just like to feel like myself again. A BIG thank you to all of you who care enough to take time out of your busy lives to read my blog full of rambles. I consider you all friends. Good Night!

Baby Number 5

 One year ago today I said good bye to our baby. When I lost Trevor the doctor wrote it off as a fluke----he was just incompatible with life thats what he said. Try again as soon as you can, I am sure this one will be fine is what he said. Boy did I find out who is in control and it certainly is not him! Baby number 5 although just as real as little Trevor is harder for me to get a grasp on. With Trevor I was able to hold him in my hand and see each of his tiny features right down to his tongue. I was able to hold him and pray over him. I was able to say good bye. With Baby number 5 I was only a few weeks along. I didn't get the same type of closure I did with Trevor. I wasn't able to hold him or her. I wasn't able to name that sweet baby because I didn't know if that sweet baby was a boy or a girl. To those of you who have read "Heaven is for Real", I completely broke down when I got to the place in the book when he meets his big sister in Heaven and she is waiting on her mommy & daddy to get there to give her a name. They, like us lost her too early to know her sex & give her a name.I can't wait to get to Heaven and see my sweet babies waiting on us to get there and give them names. Oh what a day that will be! For now I am just thankful for the few weeks I had with our sweet baby in my womb. Those few weeks changed my life forever!

Shelby's 1st Birthday Celebration! at OneTrueMedia.com

On July 30th we were blessed to gather to celebrate my niece Shelby's First Birthday. This is a video I made of highlights of that special day. I hope she and her mommy & daddy enjoy watching it half much as I have enjoyed putting it together. I have had many laughs as well as tears while working on it. Shelby's mommy, Amy is my baby sister. She is 11 years younger than me. While other girls my age were playing with and dressing their Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, I had a real living doll to dress and play with. I always enjoyed picking out her clothes and fixing her hair when my mom would let me. In High School I think she went along on most of my dates! Looking back I think mom may have had an alterior motive for sending her. :) I can't believe my baby sister is now old enough to have a baby of her own. I am truly blessed by the beautiful mother she has become. And I know that Shelby is so blessed by having her for a mommy. I can't wait to celebrate many more of Shelby's birthdays!

To listen to video music without my blog music, scroll to the bottom of my blog and push the mute button.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Shoes, Ties & A Whole Lot of BLING!

 God blessed our family yesterday with a great day of shopping together. As a child, one of my favorite memories was getting to shop for clothes for school. As an adult I have to admit I still enjoy shopping for new clothes for my children. Each child had a certain amount they could spend and off to town we went. We started at Penn Square Mall. It quickly became apparent that we might have a few challenges on our hands. S loves, loves, LOVES shoes! Athletic shoes of course. Athletic shoes and clothes for sports practice are pretty much all she is interested in. I kept having to remind her that she will need something to wear to school! All I asked was that she find something new for the 1st day of school. After several stores, and me removing her from several shoe sections. We finally had success! I think we have created a monster with T. All he was interested in was finding some new ties. Any of you who have a 4 year old who wants ties will  know, they are not easy to find. We were able to find him a couple of new ones. I NEVER thought I would see a day when my 4 year old would be spending $16.00 on a new tie. It has trucks on it so he was sold! His huge grin the rest of the day was priceless! He was so proud of his purchase. Boy was I thankful when the WWE (wrestler) T-shirt he wanted to purchase to wear with his new tie only came in sizes 8 & up. Saved by his small size! We did manage to pick up a few things---other than ties--for him to wear to preschool. K is our little shopper! She loves to go and can find something for herself at any store. So it was more challenging for her to pick & choose what she could get within the budget she was given. She started out the day picking out accessories, accessories and more accesories! She was drawn to hats in every store. I kept reminding her that she would look funny wearing just a hat! So then it was earrings, sparkly belts, zebra hair barrettes--you know all of the essentials! I had to add it up and show her that to purchase all of the accessories that she had rounded up was going to take all of her money. That was hard for her to understand since the pile looked so small. She made some difficult choices and got her favorite accessories and was able to find some fun, colorful clothes to wear with them! All in all it was a great day and we are thankful.

T is for Tie....

   The Sunday before Mother's Day T decided that he needed to wear a tie to church like daddy. He insisted on it! In the past he has worn ties, suits mainly in Fall/Winter when it is cooler out. Then I have opted for Polos/dress shorts for the warmer months. But he was set on wearing a tie. When we found a white dress shirt & tie tucked away in the back of his closet--he was giddy! Once dressed he said, "Mommy, since I have a tie on like daddy can I talk on the microphone on the stage today like daddy?" Hmmmm. lol. Anyway, he has insisted on wearing a tie every Sunday since and we have come up with some pretty creative ensembles. On Mother's Day he did get to go on the stage and say Happy Mother's Day in the microphone. He was thrilled!

God is Faithful!

 I have been wanting to sit down & write for a while now. To be honest I just haven't made time. This blog was truly one of my biggest helps during the most difficult time of my grief. Now, 19 months out (today) I often struggle with what exactly I should be feeling. The books I have read all say everyone grieves different. Allow yourself time to grieve. While the world says--your grieving a person you never even knew, it's been over a year & half now, let's move on. To be honest I would LOVE to be sitting here holding a precious baby as I write this or at least to be announcing that we are expecting Baby Number 7 and the doctor has said all is well. But I am not holding our baby nor am I pregnant. In my mind, I think how easy it would be to say Praise God if I had either of those things. But I don't. Many blogs I followed following the loss of Trevor were of other moms who had also lost babies. I found great comfort in them. However, their sorrow was soon replaced with joy as they announced their pending pregnancies. Many of them now have sweet babies to hold. Oh how easy it must be to say Praise God as they hold those sweet little miracles in their arms. Oh I have walked the road of loss so I am wise enough to know that NOTHING or NO ONE could EVER replace the child they lost but I can't help but think that holding that brand new baby in their arms can only make the pain a little more palatable. I mean what better proof could one have of God's faithfulness than a brand new miracle--the kind only HE can give. So where does that leave me? Has God been faithful to me? You bet he has! HE has been right here with me through all of the pain of my losses. He has NEVER once left my side! Except to carry me when I needed him most! I recently read something that I found great comfort in......it's based on Genesis chapter 50....God says "I want you to realize that I never underestimated how you would struggle and suffer and I don't want you to underestimate your struggles either. They're all part of the story I'm telling. Neither have I underestimated My determination or ability to enter the pain you feel, then turn everything around. I can, and I will, make everything good again. Never, ever underestimate Me. I have a plan, a very good one, and it will move ahead to completion. Guaranteed! Trust Me. Why? Because I Love you in the middle of your pain even though I don't relieve it as quickly as you wish. I am worthy of your trust, no matter what happens in your life. I have a good plan, and nothing will stop Me from carrying it to completion. You must live now in the tension between anguish and hope."
 I am so thankful that He has been right here with me for the past 19 months. He knows better than anyone the pain I have felt. The struggle I have had with being a mommy to my 3 blessings on earth while trying to keep the memory alive of my little blessings waiting for me in Heaven. Trevor and the two waiting for Brandon & I to get there to give them their names. God has been faithful! Has he given me what I wanted? No, not yet. Does he know what is best for me? Absolutely! Can I trust him? 100 percent! He has my best interest at heart. None of us are getting any younger and I have come to the realization that God may never give me exactly what I wanted. I also know that he knows best and he may give me something far better than I could ever imagine! Until then, I will keep waiting, trusting him day by day with my whole heart!

Heaven is for REAL!

A Tulsa friend had recommended I read a book at the end of the year. She too had experienced miscarriages and had found great comfort in it and thought I might to. The book title is Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. It is about a young boy whose appendix rupture. His condition is undiagnosed by doctors and he becomes critically ill. After he recovers he begins to tell his parents about meeting Jesus and spending time in Heaven. He tells them about a sister he meets while in Heaven (a baby his mom had lost in a miscarriage before he was born). I will be honest and say I was a liitle skeptical about the whole thing. I purchased the book from Amazon and began to read it. I was AMAZED! I couldn't put the book down! I too found great comfort in the book and highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced a loss. The book amazed me over & over. My friend in Tulsa who I had not seen in years could have never known the many similarities between our family and the Burpo family. Todd Burpo is a pastor. Brandon is a pastor (He wasn't when we lived in Tulsa). The Burpo family live in a rural Nebraska town. We live in a
rural Kansas town. The Burpo family live in a farming community. We live in a farming community. The Burpo family has to drive around 70 miles to get to the nearest Wal-Mart. We too have to drive that far to arrive at the nearest Wal-Mart. While these may not seem like big things it was just amazing to me how many things we have in common. I also could totally relate to Todd's wife and her feelings regarding the loss of their baby. I don't want to ruin the book for anyone---but Todd's children on earth look like him. Their son shared how the daughter they lost looked like his mom.I often wonder if my children in Heaven look like me---since our children here look so much like their daddy. I often give Brandon a hard time by saying our children here act just like him and the ones that act like me are the ones with Jesus. lol I did find great comfort in the book and look forward to the day that I will meet Jesus and be reunited with my three other children. I can't recommend this book enough! Thanks Leslie for telling me about it!