Last week I wrote about our Sunday School lesson about Hannah. I shared the verse from 1 Samuel 1:27 "I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of HIM." That verse has been on my mind all week long. What happens when God doesn't grant me what I ask for? I wish I had all of the answers but I mostly certainly do not. What I do know is my own life experience. In late Summer of 2009 I found out I was expecting our 4th child. While I knew Brandon and I had talked about having another baby this was NOT in our plans at that time. The timing just wasn't right in MY mind. For the first time in our married lives we were living without health insurance. In MY mind there was NO way we could afford a baby (big testimony of my faith...huh!) Sometimes.....well actually alot of times faith is hard for us planners. You want to know the WHOLE plan step by step. Then you can follow by Faith...hahaha. Right! You planners out there understand! Well, anyway this planner was completely caught off guard and this just wasn't in her plans. I was up night after night wondering God's plan. We checked with a couple of hospitals and found out it is OK to have a baby without health insurance. Did you know people do this all the time? Hospitals (and doctors) actually have payment plans. I hate to say this but in my sheltered, pampered little world.....I had NO idea. Once I knew it was going to be ok financially, I settled down a bit. However, I had already wasted weeks with worry. As life moved ahead we celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas and rang in the New Year. Once the new year rolled in I was ready to get ready for our precious baby. I wasn't due until June but I was ready. However, in just a few short days, on January 4th MY plans were changed again. God took Trevor home early that morning. I had no prior complications so again this planner's world was turned upside down. The planner in me was already planning in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. In between the pain of my contractions I focused on getting back home and getting on with life. I would get back home, allow my body to heal, allow time for newly purchased health insurance (what a blessing God provided) to take effect and then I would quickly get pregnant again. We could still have a new baby in 2010 or early 2011 at the latest.....that was MY plan surely God would be agreeable to that....Right? HE ALWAYS gives ME just what I want....Right? The planner in me had NO idea how much my life was FOREVER changed that morning when Trevor was born in our home. The planner in me had NO idea how much of a roller coaster of emotions I would be on the next few months of life. The planner in me had NO idea that a HUGE part of who I am went to HEAVEN to be with JESUS that morning. But as I returned to real life the next day, I soon found out, that I would NEVER be the same! Many of you know the next parts of the story, if not you can check out past blog posts to get all of the details. But 2010 left me with two more babies in Heaven and alot of questions. I prayed and prayed that God would bless us with another child on earth. In Fall of 2011, on Halloween to be exact I had a hysterectomy after months of many health issues. It was in the weeks leading up to that, that I knew in my heart that God was not going to give me what I had asked for at least not in the way I had planned. Through the grace of God I was able to accept HIS answer. There are times when I don't understand and I know while I am on earth, I probably never will. But I know HE is faithful. I know HE loves me and I know HE knows the WHOLE plan and I can trust him completely. He may not always give me what I want but he has NEVER let me down. In the months leading up to the loss of Trevor, I had been praying and praying for God to draw me closer. It was the desire of my heart to be closer to HIM than I have ever been. I wanted to learn and to grow and to become more mature spiritually. I wanted so much more from my relationship with HIM. Guess what? In the months/years after the loss of Trevor I have had some of the closest times in my relationship with HIM. I have had the greatest desire to get to know HIM so much more. To learn as much about HIM as I can. My relationship with HIM is so much like my relationship with Brandon or anyone else on earth. In order to have a good relationship you have to invest time and energy into it. HE is always there with the desire to have fellowship with me. It's me who has to devote the time to spend with HIM. Trust me...it doesn't just happen because you teach Sunday School, are a deacon's wife or EVEN the wife of a Pastor. It comes through Time spent with him. Believe me I have tried the easy way and it just doesn't work. The past few years have taught me that things don't always go the way I want them to......And that's ok because God will ALWAYS see me through.
Still one of my favorite verses:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord." Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
The Hardest Part
8 hours ago