I have been wanting to sit down & write for a while now. To be honest I just haven't made time. This blog was truly one of my biggest helps during the most difficult time of my grief. Now, 19 months out (today) I often struggle with what exactly I should be feeling. The books I have read all say everyone grieves different. Allow yourself time to grieve. While the world says--your grieving a person you never even knew, it's been over a year & half now, let's move on. To be honest I would LOVE to be sitting here holding a precious baby as I write this or at least to be announcing that we are expecting Baby Number 7 and the doctor has said all is well. But I am not holding our baby nor am I pregnant. In my mind, I think how easy it would be to say Praise God if I had either of those things. But I don't. Many blogs I followed following the loss of Trevor were of other moms who had also lost babies. I found great comfort in them. However, their sorrow was soon replaced with joy as they announced their pending pregnancies. Many of them now have sweet babies to hold. Oh how easy it must be to say Praise God as they hold those sweet little miracles in their arms. Oh I have walked the road of loss so I am wise enough to know that NOTHING or NO ONE could EVER replace the child they lost but I can't help but think that holding that brand new baby in their arms can only make the pain a little more palatable. I mean what better proof could one have of God's faithfulness than a brand new miracle--the kind only HE can give. So where does that leave me? Has God been faithful to me? You bet he has! HE has been right here with me through all of the pain of my losses. He has NEVER once left my side! Except to carry me when I needed him most! I recently read something that I found great comfort in......it's based on Genesis chapter 50....God says "I want you to realize that I never underestimated how you would struggle and suffer and I don't want you to underestimate your struggles either. They're all part of the story I'm telling. Neither have I underestimated My determination or ability to enter the pain you feel, then turn everything around. I can, and I will, make everything good again. Never, ever underestimate Me. I have a plan, a very good one, and it will move ahead to completion. Guaranteed! Trust Me. Why? Because I Love you in the middle of your pain even though I don't relieve it as quickly as you wish. I am worthy of your trust, no matter what happens in your life. I have a good plan, and nothing will stop Me from carrying it to completion. You must live now in the tension between anguish and hope."
I am so thankful that He has been right here with me for the past 19 months. He knows better than anyone the pain I have felt. The struggle I have had with being a mommy to my 3 blessings on earth while trying to keep the memory alive of my little blessings waiting for me in Heaven. Trevor and the two waiting for Brandon & I to get there to give them their names. God has been faithful! Has he given me what I wanted? No, not yet. Does he know what is best for me? Absolutely! Can I trust him? 100 percent! He has my best interest at heart. None of us are getting any younger and I have come to the realization that God may never give me exactly what I wanted. I also know that he knows best and he may give me something far better than I could ever imagine! Until then, I will keep waiting, trusting him day by day with my whole heart!
The Night Before 7th Grade
10 hours ago