I need to Share...

Saturday October 15th is a day set aside to remember/celebrate babies lost too soon to miscarriage or still birth. As those of us who lost babies know we remember them much more often than one day a year but I am thankful for a mom who has taken the time to get a day set aside to remember them. That being said, my heart is heavy today and I want to share something with all of you suffering from repeated miscarriages. BE PROACTIVE! You know your body better than anyone else. Just over 20 months ago I lost Trevor at 17 weeks. I have no words to better describe that than TOTAL SHOCK! I have had 3 easy, healthy pregnancies resulting in 3 healthy children (I know, I am truly blessed). The doctor wrote Trevor off as just being incompatible with life. Just try again he said. At my follow-up appointment after the dnc I requested an exam (Not something I enjoy but I wanted to be certain everything was ok before we decided to try again). I was told exams don't tell you anything. Therefore he refused to do one. I sucked it up and went on with life. In July I found out we were expecting again. Thrilled, I called his office. The doctor wouldn't see me for several weeks. I called back concerned with some things I knew weren't right. I was told if I was going to miscarry there was nothing anyone could do. We won't see you before your scheduled appointment I was told. Unfortunately that was too late. When I went in to see him post miscarriage. I again was told incompatible with life. Brandon questioned the doctor this time. He said we have had 3 healthy pregnancies and now 2 losses. Can we do an exam, ultrasound, something? Can we see if something has changed? Again, we were told exams tell you nothing, ultrasounds won't show us anything. Again, we were told no. And....Just keep trying. I remember sitting there broken hearted thinking does he even realize we are talking about a baby? Our baby. A baby our family has celebrated! We went on our way. In October we found out we were expecting again. Another wonderful birthday gift! (I found out about Trevor in October too!) Again, same results.

September 27, 2011. After months of issues, I see a different doctor. He immediately does an exam. He immediately notices that things are not where they should be. He tells me he suspects fibroids. It was as if Brandon read my mind as he voiced the question...."I know we can't go back in time but would fibroids cause miscarriage?" Most definately was the response of the doctor. The doctors next words would break my heart once again...."Did you ever have an ultrasound with any of those pregnancies?" "No", I responded. "Not even an exam". The look of shock on his face said it all. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life. Sitting there, with the realization that at least 2 of my babies were NOT just incompatible with life. Instead, it was fibroids growing in my body taking over my uterus to the point that there was no spot for the fetus to attach. The ultrasound confirmed that. Again, let me say it...the ultrasound confirmed that! The ultrasound we had requested on more than one occassion. But this doctor knew upon exam that my uterus was pushed way out of place by the fibroids. Hmmmm.....so maybe exams do tell us something. Now my faith tells me that God is in control and what happened to me is all a part of HIS plan for me. However I felt like I should share my story. I think all to often babies lost to miscarriage are so common that doctors don't see the need or point of investigating since most miscarriages are out of anyones control. While I will never know if mine could have been prevented. I know that I would have had the fibroids taken care of before "trying again" after Trevor. If you know in your heart that something isn't right and you have a doctor who really isn't listening. Please get a second opinion. Find a doctor who will do an exam, ultrasound or whatever you need to know that there isn't more going on. I have learned that in addition to the fibroids, I have 2 other issues going on as well. It was a miracle that I even conceived 2 babies (after Trevor) in 2010. As the other issues almost always result in infertility. Those 2 babies are truly little miracles. Again, God is in control! I do not know what my future holds, but I do know that HE is in control and HE will NEVER leave me. For that, I am truly thankful.

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

Ordinary People

Ordinary People

Just ordinary people,

God uses ordinary people.

He chooses people just like me and you

Who are willing to do as He commands.

God uses people that will give Him all,

No matter how small your all may seem to you;

Because little becomes much as you place it in the Master's hand.

Oh, just like that little lad Who gave Jesus all he had;

How the multitude was fed

With the fish and the loaves of bread.

What you have may not seem much,

But when you yield it to the touch

Of the Master's loving hand, yes,

Then you'll understand how your life could NEVER be the same.     (Danniebelle Hall)

I will hold on with ALL of my MIGHT!

If there is anything that I have learned over the past 20 months it is that my priorities can change in an instant. In the days, weeks & months following the loss of Trevor, boy did my focus change! My main priority was to learn EVERYTHING I could about the Lord God who saved me many years ago & who was now taking care of my precious son. The son only HE could give. The son only HE could take. Oh I have been in church all of my life & have read my Bible and had a prayer life for many years but I needed so much more! The next thing is my family. I want to spend every second I can with them realizing now how precious and fleeting those moments truly are! The past few days have once again become a reminder of how fast my priorities can change. After some recent abnormalities I decided (or Brandon convinced me) to pay a visit to my Gyno. Immediately upon exam he knew there was a problem. He sent me for lab (it only took 3 sweet little lab ladies & 7 sticks to get my blood, my veins don't like to share-never have!) and then for ultrasound. The young tech was very sweet & confirmed that the fibroids he suspected were there in full force & she sent us on our way. The doctor told me surgery would need to be done asap and that Brandon & I would have to decide rather or not to preserve my fertility based on the results. He said I might have 3 surgery options (1 would preserve the option of more children but we would have to act fast & I would be a c-setion patient from now on) The other 2 options would mean the end of a hope. The end of my prayers.. The other 2 would mean I would never again sit here and dream of holding a sweet little newborn that I, by the grace of God brought into this world, in my arms. Cuddling them for hours just to smell their sweet little skin. The other 2 options would mean an end to my life as I know it right now. If I had talked to you last night, my priority would have been, let's preserve my fertility for as long as I can. Let's hold on to that hope....at least for a little longer.....Just let me dream.....I want to HOLD ON WITH ALL OF MIGHT! As I said before, priorities can change.....in an instant.

That instant came about 1:30 this afternoon. I received the call I had been waiting for from my doctor. The one where he was going to tell me I have some choices to make (at least that is what I hoped) or he would tell me that I only had the option of the hysterectomy. Either way----I was mentally prepared to be sitting down with Brandon tonight to discuss when/how this surgery was going to happen. The doctor began with going over the fibroids he had found that were confirmed through the ultrasound. He quickly gave me the dimensions of each one and went on to say that by those he was not surprised. The tone in his voice quickly changed as he went on... He started by saying how surprised he was, by something else. Something that the radiologist had spotted & given him a call to discuss. His next few words were all about biopsies, bad cells, masses, microscopes & so on. His words echoed in my ear as he said---we cannot go forward with any surgery until we get this under a microscope. His next words would cut through me to the core of my very being. To preserve your fertility is probably not an option at this point, but YOU need to decide how important that is to you. How important that is to Brandon. We will talk more when I see you in my office for the biopsy And with that, the conversation ended. After the past 20 months since the loss of Trevor I NEVER thought it would come down to a conversation like that. I have always believed God would bless me with 1 more baby and I would happily ease into menopause when the time was right. If there is anything that I have learned over the past 20 months it is that God's plans aren't always my plans. In fact lately it seems they rarely are! But I have also learned that he is the ONE, the ONLY ONE I can trust! He sees the BIG picture, the BIG plan! I am only blessed enough to see a small part of it! As I said before, in the last 24 hours my priorities have changed... "I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting...but will HOLD on to Jesus-----FOR LIFE!" Fertility, just like anything else in this life, is fleeting! We only have it for as long as God allows. It is something we have no control over! But I can HOLD on to Jesus----FOR LIFE!!!

I know many who read this blog are prayer warriors. I don't ask often but Brandon & I covet your prayers at this time. I will go for a biopsy on October 12th. (My doctor leaves for vacation tomorrow & will not return until then) God has already answered so many prayers in this situation. My main prayer & the prayer of my friends going into this were for answers. God answered that prayer....I got answers. My next prayer is still for wisdom for the doctor & his team. Wisdom for Brandon & I. And most of all, I would just like to feel like myself again. A BIG thank you to all of you who care enough to take time out of your busy lives to read my blog full of rambles. I consider you all friends. Good Night!

Baby Number 5

 One year ago today I said good bye to our baby. When I lost Trevor the doctor wrote it off as a fluke----he was just incompatible with life thats what he said. Try again as soon as you can, I am sure this one will be fine is what he said. Boy did I find out who is in control and it certainly is not him! Baby number 5 although just as real as little Trevor is harder for me to get a grasp on. With Trevor I was able to hold him in my hand and see each of his tiny features right down to his tongue. I was able to hold him and pray over him. I was able to say good bye. With Baby number 5 I was only a few weeks along. I didn't get the same type of closure I did with Trevor. I wasn't able to hold him or her. I wasn't able to name that sweet baby because I didn't know if that sweet baby was a boy or a girl. To those of you who have read "Heaven is for Real", I completely broke down when I got to the place in the book when he meets his big sister in Heaven and she is waiting on her mommy & daddy to get there to give her a name. They, like us lost her too early to know her sex & give her a name.I can't wait to get to Heaven and see my sweet babies waiting on us to get there and give them names. Oh what a day that will be! For now I am just thankful for the few weeks I had with our sweet baby in my womb. Those few weeks changed my life forever!

Shelby's 1st Birthday Celebration! at OneTrueMedia.com

On July 30th we were blessed to gather to celebrate my niece Shelby's First Birthday. This is a video I made of highlights of that special day. I hope she and her mommy & daddy enjoy watching it half much as I have enjoyed putting it together. I have had many laughs as well as tears while working on it. Shelby's mommy, Amy is my baby sister. She is 11 years younger than me. While other girls my age were playing with and dressing their Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, I had a real living doll to dress and play with. I always enjoyed picking out her clothes and fixing her hair when my mom would let me. In High School I think she went along on most of my dates! Looking back I think mom may have had an alterior motive for sending her. :) I can't believe my baby sister is now old enough to have a baby of her own. I am truly blessed by the beautiful mother she has become. And I know that Shelby is so blessed by having her for a mommy. I can't wait to celebrate many more of Shelby's birthdays!

To listen to video music without my blog music, scroll to the bottom of my blog and push the mute button.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Shoes, Ties & A Whole Lot of BLING!

 God blessed our family yesterday with a great day of shopping together. As a child, one of my favorite memories was getting to shop for clothes for school. As an adult I have to admit I still enjoy shopping for new clothes for my children. Each child had a certain amount they could spend and off to town we went. We started at Penn Square Mall. It quickly became apparent that we might have a few challenges on our hands. S loves, loves, LOVES shoes! Athletic shoes of course. Athletic shoes and clothes for sports practice are pretty much all she is interested in. I kept having to remind her that she will need something to wear to school! All I asked was that she find something new for the 1st day of school. After several stores, and me removing her from several shoe sections. We finally had success! I think we have created a monster with T. All he was interested in was finding some new ties. Any of you who have a 4 year old who wants ties will  know, they are not easy to find. We were able to find him a couple of new ones. I NEVER thought I would see a day when my 4 year old would be spending $16.00 on a new tie. It has trucks on it so he was sold! His huge grin the rest of the day was priceless! He was so proud of his purchase. Boy was I thankful when the WWE (wrestler) T-shirt he wanted to purchase to wear with his new tie only came in sizes 8 & up. Saved by his small size! We did manage to pick up a few things---other than ties--for him to wear to preschool. K is our little shopper! She loves to go and can find something for herself at any store. So it was more challenging for her to pick & choose what she could get within the budget she was given. She started out the day picking out accessories, accessories and more accesories! She was drawn to hats in every store. I kept reminding her that she would look funny wearing just a hat! So then it was earrings, sparkly belts, zebra hair barrettes--you know all of the essentials! I had to add it up and show her that to purchase all of the accessories that she had rounded up was going to take all of her money. That was hard for her to understand since the pile looked so small. She made some difficult choices and got her favorite accessories and was able to find some fun, colorful clothes to wear with them! All in all it was a great day and we are thankful.

T is for Tie....

   The Sunday before Mother's Day T decided that he needed to wear a tie to church like daddy. He insisted on it! In the past he has worn ties, suits mainly in Fall/Winter when it is cooler out. Then I have opted for Polos/dress shorts for the warmer months. But he was set on wearing a tie. When we found a white dress shirt & tie tucked away in the back of his closet--he was giddy! Once dressed he said, "Mommy, since I have a tie on like daddy can I talk on the microphone on the stage today like daddy?" Hmmmm. lol. Anyway, he has insisted on wearing a tie every Sunday since and we have come up with some pretty creative ensembles. On Mother's Day he did get to go on the stage and say Happy Mother's Day in the microphone. He was thrilled!

God is Faithful!

 I have been wanting to sit down & write for a while now. To be honest I just haven't made time. This blog was truly one of my biggest helps during the most difficult time of my grief. Now, 19 months out (today) I often struggle with what exactly I should be feeling. The books I have read all say everyone grieves different. Allow yourself time to grieve. While the world says--your grieving a person you never even knew, it's been over a year & half now, let's move on. To be honest I would LOVE to be sitting here holding a precious baby as I write this or at least to be announcing that we are expecting Baby Number 7 and the doctor has said all is well. But I am not holding our baby nor am I pregnant. In my mind, I think how easy it would be to say Praise God if I had either of those things. But I don't. Many blogs I followed following the loss of Trevor were of other moms who had also lost babies. I found great comfort in them. However, their sorrow was soon replaced with joy as they announced their pending pregnancies. Many of them now have sweet babies to hold. Oh how easy it must be to say Praise God as they hold those sweet little miracles in their arms. Oh I have walked the road of loss so I am wise enough to know that NOTHING or NO ONE could EVER replace the child they lost but I can't help but think that holding that brand new baby in their arms can only make the pain a little more palatable. I mean what better proof could one have of God's faithfulness than a brand new miracle--the kind only HE can give. So where does that leave me? Has God been faithful to me? You bet he has! HE has been right here with me through all of the pain of my losses. He has NEVER once left my side! Except to carry me when I needed him most! I recently read something that I found great comfort in......it's based on Genesis chapter 50....God says "I want you to realize that I never underestimated how you would struggle and suffer and I don't want you to underestimate your struggles either. They're all part of the story I'm telling. Neither have I underestimated My determination or ability to enter the pain you feel, then turn everything around. I can, and I will, make everything good again. Never, ever underestimate Me. I have a plan, a very good one, and it will move ahead to completion. Guaranteed! Trust Me. Why? Because I Love you in the middle of your pain even though I don't relieve it as quickly as you wish. I am worthy of your trust, no matter what happens in your life. I have a good plan, and nothing will stop Me from carrying it to completion. You must live now in the tension between anguish and hope."
 I am so thankful that He has been right here with me for the past 19 months. He knows better than anyone the pain I have felt. The struggle I have had with being a mommy to my 3 blessings on earth while trying to keep the memory alive of my little blessings waiting for me in Heaven. Trevor and the two waiting for Brandon & I to get there to give them their names. God has been faithful! Has he given me what I wanted? No, not yet. Does he know what is best for me? Absolutely! Can I trust him? 100 percent! He has my best interest at heart. None of us are getting any younger and I have come to the realization that God may never give me exactly what I wanted. I also know that he knows best and he may give me something far better than I could ever imagine! Until then, I will keep waiting, trusting him day by day with my whole heart!

Heaven is for REAL!

A Tulsa friend had recommended I read a book at the end of the year. She too had experienced miscarriages and had found great comfort in it and thought I might to. The book title is Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. It is about a young boy whose appendix rupture. His condition is undiagnosed by doctors and he becomes critically ill. After he recovers he begins to tell his parents about meeting Jesus and spending time in Heaven. He tells them about a sister he meets while in Heaven (a baby his mom had lost in a miscarriage before he was born). I will be honest and say I was a liitle skeptical about the whole thing. I purchased the book from Amazon and began to read it. I was AMAZED! I couldn't put the book down! I too found great comfort in the book and highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced a loss. The book amazed me over & over. My friend in Tulsa who I had not seen in years could have never known the many similarities between our family and the Burpo family. Todd Burpo is a pastor. Brandon is a pastor (He wasn't when we lived in Tulsa). The Burpo family live in a rural Nebraska town. We live in a
rural Kansas town. The Burpo family live in a farming community. We live in a farming community. The Burpo family has to drive around 70 miles to get to the nearest Wal-Mart. We too have to drive that far to arrive at the nearest Wal-Mart. While these may not seem like big things it was just amazing to me how many things we have in common. I also could totally relate to Todd's wife and her feelings regarding the loss of their baby. I don't want to ruin the book for anyone---but Todd's children on earth look like him. Their son shared how the daughter they lost looked like his mom.I often wonder if my children in Heaven look like me---since our children here look so much like their daddy. I often give Brandon a hard time by saying our children here act just like him and the ones that act like me are the ones with Jesus. lol I did find great comfort in the book and look forward to the day that I will meet Jesus and be reunited with my three other children. I can't recommend this book enough! Thanks Leslie for telling me about it!

Sentimental ole me--1 year later

When God created me---he created someone who lives on, thrives on, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES details! I have to be careful or I can become completely consumed with them! The jobs that I have had that I have LOVED the most have all been centered around---you guessed it---Details! With that love for details comes this memory that at times can be a curse! I can remember things from forever ago---not just a little but every last detail down to the complete outfit---including socks & undergarments I was wearing at the time of such memory. This can drive others around me crazy! Sammy will try to debate me on things in the past and Brandon just says "you may as well give up, your mom remembers everything!" Poor guy--he has learned throughout the years. Finally now that he is in ministry--he appreciates that I can remember those things for him. All of that being said I just can't get the memory of all of the events of this day one year ago out of my head. It was a Sunday--just like any other Sunday. We got up and attended church as usual. When we got home from church we finished putting some things away in our bedroom. We had rearranged the day before to make room for the Amby Bed we would be purchasing in the near future. We finished the room just in time to head out to the movies in Coldwater for a date night---a real treat for us! We went to see Blindside. I had my usual Popcorn with Ranch topping while Brandon opted for his plain popcorn. While we were muching before the movie Brandon received a text from a lady in our church stating that her daughter said that we could her daughter's Amby bed--we were soooo excited! I remember having a couple of odd pains during the movie but not anything I would have ever been concerned about. The movie was good and we returned home. After the kids were tucked in their beds we watched a little tv. I remember telling Brandon about the odd pains---but neither of us were really concerned. After all I had given birth to 3 healthy children with 3 uneventful pregnancies--why would this time be any different? We proceeded to call it a night. I can remember every detail of that day--every smell along the way---the smell of the new dresser Brandon had put together that day. The smell of the popcorn, my clean pj's-you get the picture! Those details go through my mind time and time again. And as today marks a year they are freshly on my mind. I have questioned myself at least a thousand times----Why didn't I go to the doctor when I had those odd pains? In my heart I know he would have just sent me back home though. After all, I had nothing else to be concerned about. No other symptoms, prior problems, etc. So tonight as I go to bed I can't help but ask myself, if it happened today would I do anything any differently? Again, I have to say no and just accept that it is all a part of God's plan. While there are many details I can control in this life--God has shown me that human life is so fragile and from conception--he and only he is in control.

“For YOU created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful I know that full well.” Psalm 139: 13-14

Beauty Will Rise!

As tomorrow quickly approaches that long awaited first year mark is upon me. At times it seems like it just happened. I can remember EVERY detail of that tragic morning. Other times it seems as though it happened in another lifetime---ages ago. I am so thankful I have a few tangible items that I can hold. Photos, a tiny blanket they wrapped Trevor in at the hospital, a plaster mold of tiny footprints so small that you really can't make them out---but I know what they are. All of these things remind me it was not a nightmare--Trevor did really exist. Brandon and I have a tradition of going shopping on Black Friday every year. We get up super early with all of the other crazy people out there looking to save 50 cents-lol. Anyway, last year we purchased Steven Curtis Chapman's CD-Beauty Will Rise as a Black Friday Special Bargain. I had no idea what an investment that would be! He wrote the songs on it as a tribute to his young daughter Maria who went to Heaven in 2008. The Songs on the cd (every one of them) have ministered to me so much through this process they call grief. The title song Beauty Will Rise speaks volumes to me still now. So I thought I would share the lyrics with you on this the eve of my precious son's death.

Beauty Will Rise
by Steven Curtis Chapman

It was the day the world went wrong

I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise
So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.
Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...
I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.


I can't wait to see the beauty that comes out of all of the ashes of our 2010. It's the hope I cling to that gets me through the toughest of days.

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11-NIV



Baby Ryder Clay

Moving to Protection has brought many, many changes in our lives. Most have been wonderful---all have been God's plan. Our first trip to the place we had NEVER heard of and I knew in my heart that God was calling us here. While I knew God's plan for Brandon (to pastor his first church). I had NO idea what God had in store for me. I wondered what on earth I would do with my time here. I have been a stay-at-home mom along with many other things in the past. Most recently I worked at a Children's Hospital in Tulsa in the PICU as a Monitor Tech. I stayed up all night watching the little heartbeats of all our patients. Many nights were pretty uneventful but many more were filled with Code Blues (I called them---talk about scary) and children dying with parents at their bedsides---a reality I NEVER knew existed before working there. Anyway, obviously there was no need for my monitor tech skills in Comanche Co--so what was God gonna do with me here? The time was coming close for us to the make the move and I received a phone call from one of our soon to be church members asking if I would consider caring for an infant in the community. I told her I would pray about it, she gave me the name and phone number of the mommy. I prayed still not knowing what to do I called the mom and met one of my soon to be new friends in Kansas. I decided to take care of Cooper. I remember telling Brandon..."I will take care of Cooper and only Cooper until God opens another door." lol. I had done childcare (on a small scale) in the past but really thought God was done using me in that capacity (lol). Anyway, what became the Hands of Protection Christian Day Care all came out of a phone call that Summer day. I would have NEVER in a million years guessed what God had in store for me here. Oh how he has blessed me! Fast forward from the Summer of 2008 to January of 2009. In the early morning hours when I lost Trevor in our bathroom. Brandon and I wondered who we could call to take care of our children while we made our trip to the hospital. The first couple (members of our church) that came to mind were out of town at that time. I then remembered Tara telling me that when the time came for our baby to come I could call her night or day and she would care for our children. Brandon made the phone call to Tyler and within minutes Tara was on our doorstep (aren't friends great!) She already phoned her mom (an ER nurse) and knew just what we should do. We had Trevor wrapped in a wash cloth and she directed me to put lotion on his little body (per her mom). So I found lotion and she even helped me put it on him. What a truly amazing friend! As we waited for the ambulance to arrive--she asked could she pray for us. Of course we said yes--and prayed she did. She did an amazing job caring for our kids on a very chaotic day! She kept them from knowing anything--except I was ill, so that Brandon and I could share with them the tragedy of that day. Fast Forward to January 2011-I see it only fitting as part of God's sovereign plan--that on what will be one of the most challenging weeks of my life, the one year anniversary of the loss of Trevor. I will have the blessing and privilege of taking care of Tara's second baby Ryder Clay for the first time. I find great comfort in knowing God has a plan and has orchestrated it all. I know I will be so blessed in just holding and caring for my sweet friends--sweet little baby. Isn't God so good!

Trenton's First (and LAST!) trip to the OB

In my previous post I had mentioned that Brandon, Trenton and I had made the trip to the OB. What I didn't mention was that we waited in the waiting room for over 2 hours (after driving 2 hours) to see the doctor. My appointment time was 3:00. I didn't get back to the exam room until 5:10. As you can imagine T became very antsy as did Brandon. T was dancing around the waiting room doing what he does best (entertaining the ladies). When out of his mouth came the worst word I have ever heard any of my children say and in all places the OB office. I am reluctant to even share this part of the day--but Brandon insists that I must. T came out with a word that sounded much like a slang word used for a females private body part. You know the one. The terrible one ending in ssy. He shouted it. I know I turned 5 shades of red as I tried to quiet him down. B sitting nearby pretended not to know either of us. As though anyone would ever question T's relation to him. lol. Obviously this is not a word used in our home so I tried to make out what word he was trying to say. He kept repeating it over and over---louder and louder. I was mortified! Finally he said "Mama it's not a bad word Ms. Deanna said it at school today while we were playing train." I finally figured out that I think he was saying caboose but with an ey sound at the end. It was just coming out all wrong and of all places----at the OBGYN office. We finally were able to change the subject for a little while but he immediately said the word---LOUDLY as we entered the exam room. Oh how I would have loved to have not claimed him that day I was even tempted to tell the nurse he was a neighbor's kid but again--Brandon can't deny him. Oh well as usual T gave us a reason to laugh at an otherwise tense time. I thank God for my T daily--he keeps us all laughing all of the time.

"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief."

Hope

On November 30th, Brandon, Trenton and I made the long trip to Liberal to meet a new OBGYN that I will be seeing. It took right at 2 HOURS to get to his office. Medical Care in Kansas has been an adjustment for us. When we lived in Tulsa we were just minutes away from any doctor needed. It's not like that here. I have actually been seeing a family doc for my pregnancies here. Most of my friends all do the same. After much prayer Bran and I decided it was time to get another opinion. "Just keep trying" isn't working for us anymore. While we both totally agree that God is and always has been in complete control of each of our pregnancies we just need someone to listen to us now. Dr Knutson did just that. He listened and he gave us some options. He can't guarantee anything (of course) because God is in control but I will be undergoing some testing in the near future and do covet your prayers as we seek some answers for our future. We are both so excited about what God has in store for our 2011.

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, o Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:22