I am just really NOT wanting to go to bed tonight. At 4:15AM it will be 4 weeks since I lost my precious Trevor & he gained Heaven. I am so thankful that mommy's womb & heaven will be the only 2 places he will ever know. So thankful he will NEVER have to hurt the way I am hurting now. I just miss him so much! I should be planning for my 3-d ultrasound right now (we have never had 1 before). Instead I planned a Memorial Service. I should be picking out clothes & nursery patterns. Instead I had to pick out a burial plot & now am looking for the PERFECT grave stone. Sometimes I just think it's not fair God. But then I think how grateful I am for the 17 weeks & 2 days I got to carry my son. So grateful that I got to feel him kick for the first time at 14 weeks! And oh how I miss those littles kicks every night when I watch the news (that's when he kicked). I am still so thankful for the 3 weeks I got to feel them! Oh what a precious gift! I am so undeserving of such a special gift! Trevor's 17 weeks changed my life more than the other 37 other years ever did! What an honor to be his mommy! And to think that I was chosen by God for such a task!
"You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day passed."
I have heard this verse all of my life but now I find great comfort in it! God watched over Trevor as he was being formed in me! Sometimes I could feel Trevor, but God could see Trevor & was watching over him. Every day of Trevor's precious little life was recorded in his book. ALL 121 of them! Every moment of those 121 precious days was laid out way before I was even born. God always had a plan for Trevor and it was ALWAYS for him to live 121 days inside of me. Again, may I say what a privilege!
Although my heart is broken I am still so thankful that God chose me to be Trevor's Mommy!
The Hardest Part
8 hours ago