Miss you so much!

I am just really NOT wanting to go to bed tonight. At 4:15AM it will be 4 weeks since I lost my precious Trevor & he gained Heaven. I am so thankful that mommy's womb & heaven will be the only 2 places he will ever know. So thankful he will NEVER have to hurt the way I am hurting now. I just miss him so much! I should be planning for my 3-d ultrasound right now (we have never had 1 before). Instead I planned a Memorial Service. I should be picking out clothes & nursery patterns. Instead I had to pick out a burial plot & now am looking for the PERFECT grave stone. Sometimes I just think it's not fair God. But then I think how grateful I am for the 17 weeks & 2 days I got to carry my son. So grateful that I got to feel him kick for the first time at 14 weeks! And oh how I miss those littles kicks every night when I watch the news (that's when he kicked). I am still so thankful for the 3 weeks I got to feel them! Oh what a precious gift! I am so undeserving of such a special gift! Trevor's 17 weeks changed my life more than the other 37 other years ever did! What an honor to be his mommy! And to think that I was chosen by God for such a task!

"You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day passed."
Psalm 139:15-16

I have heard this verse all of my life but now I find great comfort in it! God watched over Trevor as he was being formed in me! Sometimes I could feel Trevor, but God could see Trevor & was watching over him. Every day of Trevor's precious little life was recorded in his book. ALL 121 of them! Every moment of those 121 precious days was laid out way before I was even born. God always had a plan for Trevor and it was ALWAYS for him to live 121 days inside of me. Again, may I say what a privilege!

Although my heart is broken I am still so thankful that God chose me to be Trevor's Mommy!

Catching up a bit.

Sorry I haven't written lately we have been so busy. On January 16th our parents came up & we had a small graveside Memorial Service for Trevor. It was really nice. It was really hard for Kailey she got really upset when she really realized at the cemetary that she was never going to see her baby brother here on earth. Right now the promise of Heaven is just hard for a 5 year old to understand. She is doing better, however she is still asking lots of questions. Her questions are good though-they make us all think.



Last weekend Brandon decided that we really needed to get out of town. We took a quick trip to OKC. We had a lot of fun. We took the kids to Incredible Pizza (one of our favorite Tulsa hang outs). We played games & ate WAY TOO MUCH food!



Brenda (an OB nurse) from Pratt Regional gave me a teddy bear while I was in the hospital. She said that it was so I would have something to cuddle. Honestly at the time I was not too impressed. I just wanted to have my Trevor to cuddle. I have never been really fond of stuffed animals anyway! Well after I got home. I realized that the bear did help. There are times when I just need something to cuddle & cry & he is there. Kailey really liked the bear & thought we should name him Trevor. I thought that was a great idea. She took him to school for show-n-tell that first week. Samantha took him to school & shared a little with her class too. At home there was alot of fighting between the kids over Trevor bear. Everyone wanted to sleep with him. I tell you all of this to say while in the City we took the kids to Penn Square Mall to Build A Bear. The girls both made their own Trevor bear. We showed Trenton every animal in the place. He was not impressed at all! Then finally Brandon showed him the monkey. His face lit up and that was the one he wanted. So he made a Trevor monkey. Kailey & Trenton both chose Texas Longhorn Tees for their animals (we know Trevor would have been a Longhorn fan). Samantha chose a tee that said "It's a Boy". The best part was that their computer let us choose a date for the birth certificate so we were able to use Trevor's b-day. I was really impressed by that! We had a great time & now everyone has their own stuffed Trevor to cuddle.

We headed back to Protection for some much needed rest but it was nice to get away for a while!

Trevor Mark Hagins at OneTrueMedia.com

The day my world was turned upside down! This is my tribute to Trevor. Goodbye is not the end!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Date Night...

On January 3rd we had a wonderful date night. We went to a nearby town (Coldwater) and saw the wonderful movie "Blindside". It was so moving! I cried through the whole thing! I prayed; "Lord, please give me the opportunity to give back as these people have" Man, wouldn't that be AWESOME!

Extreme Bedroom Makeover-Hagins Style

This will be our first baby in this home with a much smaller Master Bedroom than we are used to. In order to have room for the baby's bed, we decided to turn our bed to face a different direction. Brandon spent January 2nd getting it all done for me. He is so wonderful!

Out with the old. In with Maternity...

Now that the holidays were all over, it was time to prepare for our new family member expected to be here around June 16th. I was starting to show & my regular clothes were getting too tight. I spent January 2nd & part of January 3rd completely cleaning out my closet. Boxes for Tabitha house (to be donated). Containers of clothes to keep to the garage & now a nice organized closet of ALL my maternity clothes. Ready, set, baby let's grow...

Ringing in the New Year!

At the close of 2009 as I sat & thought about 2010 man did I have so much to be thankful for. Kailey would be celebrating her 5th birthday in 11 days. Wow, where has the time gone? My special little man T will be 3 on March 5th. My Samantha will be 11 (a preteen) on April 17th. Man what wonderful blessings they are! Then I thought about what an exciting time June would be! Brandon & I will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversiary on June 3rd & shortly thereafter have a new baby to love. What a wonderful anniversary present that would be! In my mind our family would then be complete. I then thought with anticipation about my upcoming Doctor appt on January 15th. I just couldn't wait to hear that precious heartbeat again! I was planning on taking Kailey with me this time so she could hear it too! I was also so excited about the upcoming ultrasound. I laid in bed at night just wondering would it be a boy or a girl?? I couldn't wait to find out what God would bless us with! 2010 is going to be a great year!

My Birthday Surprise!

I will have to go back in time a bit to help bring people up to date. One October morning I got up early & didn't feel quite right. I went ahead & got ready & traveled across the street to the house where I operate my own daycare. Once there I got really sick. I asked Sammy to run across & get daddy (thinking I must have some stomach bug). My sweet husband ran the daycare with ease that morning & by afternoon I felt much better! A couple of days later (just in time for my birthday) I decided to take a pregnancy test. After 3 positives I decided to believe it! We were expecting our 4th baby what a wonderful birthday surprise!

Mommy: Do you have an owie?

Mornings are still the hardest time for me. This morning as I played cars with Trenton, tears began to fill my eyes as I thought about how he & Trevor would never play together here on earth. As he made eye contact with me, he was quick to come over & give me a kiss on the cheek. He said Mommy: do you have an owie? I said yes sweetie I do, I have a big owie on my heart right now. He said where is at I want to kiss it. He then leaned over kissed my shirt & smiled & said is it all better now mommy? For that moment it was all better! I am so thankful for my 3 little blessings here on earth!

Here I go....

I have been considering starting a family blog for about a year now. Friends who have heard all of my families stories have told me I should. In the events of recent days I have decided it is time. So here I go...