Heaven is for REAL!

A Tulsa friend had recommended I read a book at the end of the year. She too had experienced miscarriages and had found great comfort in it and thought I might to. The book title is Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. It is about a young boy whose appendix rupture. His condition is undiagnosed by doctors and he becomes critically ill. After he recovers he begins to tell his parents about meeting Jesus and spending time in Heaven. He tells them about a sister he meets while in Heaven (a baby his mom had lost in a miscarriage before he was born). I will be honest and say I was a liitle skeptical about the whole thing. I purchased the book from Amazon and began to read it. I was AMAZED! I couldn't put the book down! I too found great comfort in the book and highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced a loss. The book amazed me over & over. My friend in Tulsa who I had not seen in years could have never known the many similarities between our family and the Burpo family. Todd Burpo is a pastor. Brandon is a pastor (He wasn't when we lived in Tulsa). The Burpo family live in a rural Nebraska town. We live in a
rural Kansas town. The Burpo family live in a farming community. We live in a farming community. The Burpo family has to drive around 70 miles to get to the nearest Wal-Mart. We too have to drive that far to arrive at the nearest Wal-Mart. While these may not seem like big things it was just amazing to me how many things we have in common. I also could totally relate to Todd's wife and her feelings regarding the loss of their baby. I don't want to ruin the book for anyone---but Todd's children on earth look like him. Their son shared how the daughter they lost looked like his mom.I often wonder if my children in Heaven look like me---since our children here look so much like their daddy. I often give Brandon a hard time by saying our children here act just like him and the ones that act like me are the ones with Jesus. lol I did find great comfort in the book and look forward to the day that I will meet Jesus and be reunited with my three other children. I can't recommend this book enough! Thanks Leslie for telling me about it!

Sentimental ole me--1 year later

When God created me---he created someone who lives on, thrives on, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES details! I have to be careful or I can become completely consumed with them! The jobs that I have had that I have LOVED the most have all been centered around---you guessed it---Details! With that love for details comes this memory that at times can be a curse! I can remember things from forever ago---not just a little but every last detail down to the complete outfit---including socks & undergarments I was wearing at the time of such memory. This can drive others around me crazy! Sammy will try to debate me on things in the past and Brandon just says "you may as well give up, your mom remembers everything!" Poor guy--he has learned throughout the years. Finally now that he is in ministry--he appreciates that I can remember those things for him. All of that being said I just can't get the memory of all of the events of this day one year ago out of my head. It was a Sunday--just like any other Sunday. We got up and attended church as usual. When we got home from church we finished putting some things away in our bedroom. We had rearranged the day before to make room for the Amby Bed we would be purchasing in the near future. We finished the room just in time to head out to the movies in Coldwater for a date night---a real treat for us! We went to see Blindside. I had my usual Popcorn with Ranch topping while Brandon opted for his plain popcorn. While we were muching before the movie Brandon received a text from a lady in our church stating that her daughter said that we could her daughter's Amby bed--we were soooo excited! I remember having a couple of odd pains during the movie but not anything I would have ever been concerned about. The movie was good and we returned home. After the kids were tucked in their beds we watched a little tv. I remember telling Brandon about the odd pains---but neither of us were really concerned. After all I had given birth to 3 healthy children with 3 uneventful pregnancies--why would this time be any different? We proceeded to call it a night. I can remember every detail of that day--every smell along the way---the smell of the new dresser Brandon had put together that day. The smell of the popcorn, my clean pj's-you get the picture! Those details go through my mind time and time again. And as today marks a year they are freshly on my mind. I have questioned myself at least a thousand times----Why didn't I go to the doctor when I had those odd pains? In my heart I know he would have just sent me back home though. After all, I had nothing else to be concerned about. No other symptoms, prior problems, etc. So tonight as I go to bed I can't help but ask myself, if it happened today would I do anything any differently? Again, I have to say no and just accept that it is all a part of God's plan. While there are many details I can control in this life--God has shown me that human life is so fragile and from conception--he and only he is in control.

“For YOU created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful I know that full well.” Psalm 139: 13-14

Beauty Will Rise!

As tomorrow quickly approaches that long awaited first year mark is upon me. At times it seems like it just happened. I can remember EVERY detail of that tragic morning. Other times it seems as though it happened in another lifetime---ages ago. I am so thankful I have a few tangible items that I can hold. Photos, a tiny blanket they wrapped Trevor in at the hospital, a plaster mold of tiny footprints so small that you really can't make them out---but I know what they are. All of these things remind me it was not a nightmare--Trevor did really exist. Brandon and I have a tradition of going shopping on Black Friday every year. We get up super early with all of the other crazy people out there looking to save 50 cents-lol. Anyway, last year we purchased Steven Curtis Chapman's CD-Beauty Will Rise as a Black Friday Special Bargain. I had no idea what an investment that would be! He wrote the songs on it as a tribute to his young daughter Maria who went to Heaven in 2008. The Songs on the cd (every one of them) have ministered to me so much through this process they call grief. The title song Beauty Will Rise speaks volumes to me still now. So I thought I would share the lyrics with you on this the eve of my precious son's death.

Beauty Will Rise
by Steven Curtis Chapman

It was the day the world went wrong

I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise
So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.
Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...
I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.


I can't wait to see the beauty that comes out of all of the ashes of our 2010. It's the hope I cling to that gets me through the toughest of days.

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11-NIV



Baby Ryder Clay

Moving to Protection has brought many, many changes in our lives. Most have been wonderful---all have been God's plan. Our first trip to the place we had NEVER heard of and I knew in my heart that God was calling us here. While I knew God's plan for Brandon (to pastor his first church). I had NO idea what God had in store for me. I wondered what on earth I would do with my time here. I have been a stay-at-home mom along with many other things in the past. Most recently I worked at a Children's Hospital in Tulsa in the PICU as a Monitor Tech. I stayed up all night watching the little heartbeats of all our patients. Many nights were pretty uneventful but many more were filled with Code Blues (I called them---talk about scary) and children dying with parents at their bedsides---a reality I NEVER knew existed before working there. Anyway, obviously there was no need for my monitor tech skills in Comanche Co--so what was God gonna do with me here? The time was coming close for us to the make the move and I received a phone call from one of our soon to be church members asking if I would consider caring for an infant in the community. I told her I would pray about it, she gave me the name and phone number of the mommy. I prayed still not knowing what to do I called the mom and met one of my soon to be new friends in Kansas. I decided to take care of Cooper. I remember telling Brandon..."I will take care of Cooper and only Cooper until God opens another door." lol. I had done childcare (on a small scale) in the past but really thought God was done using me in that capacity (lol). Anyway, what became the Hands of Protection Christian Day Care all came out of a phone call that Summer day. I would have NEVER in a million years guessed what God had in store for me here. Oh how he has blessed me! Fast forward from the Summer of 2008 to January of 2009. In the early morning hours when I lost Trevor in our bathroom. Brandon and I wondered who we could call to take care of our children while we made our trip to the hospital. The first couple (members of our church) that came to mind were out of town at that time. I then remembered Tara telling me that when the time came for our baby to come I could call her night or day and she would care for our children. Brandon made the phone call to Tyler and within minutes Tara was on our doorstep (aren't friends great!) She already phoned her mom (an ER nurse) and knew just what we should do. We had Trevor wrapped in a wash cloth and she directed me to put lotion on his little body (per her mom). So I found lotion and she even helped me put it on him. What a truly amazing friend! As we waited for the ambulance to arrive--she asked could she pray for us. Of course we said yes--and prayed she did. She did an amazing job caring for our kids on a very chaotic day! She kept them from knowing anything--except I was ill, so that Brandon and I could share with them the tragedy of that day. Fast Forward to January 2011-I see it only fitting as part of God's sovereign plan--that on what will be one of the most challenging weeks of my life, the one year anniversary of the loss of Trevor. I will have the blessing and privilege of taking care of Tara's second baby Ryder Clay for the first time. I find great comfort in knowing God has a plan and has orchestrated it all. I know I will be so blessed in just holding and caring for my sweet friends--sweet little baby. Isn't God so good!

Trenton's First (and LAST!) trip to the OB

In my previous post I had mentioned that Brandon, Trenton and I had made the trip to the OB. What I didn't mention was that we waited in the waiting room for over 2 hours (after driving 2 hours) to see the doctor. My appointment time was 3:00. I didn't get back to the exam room until 5:10. As you can imagine T became very antsy as did Brandon. T was dancing around the waiting room doing what he does best (entertaining the ladies). When out of his mouth came the worst word I have ever heard any of my children say and in all places the OB office. I am reluctant to even share this part of the day--but Brandon insists that I must. T came out with a word that sounded much like a slang word used for a females private body part. You know the one. The terrible one ending in ssy. He shouted it. I know I turned 5 shades of red as I tried to quiet him down. B sitting nearby pretended not to know either of us. As though anyone would ever question T's relation to him. lol. Obviously this is not a word used in our home so I tried to make out what word he was trying to say. He kept repeating it over and over---louder and louder. I was mortified! Finally he said "Mama it's not a bad word Ms. Deanna said it at school today while we were playing train." I finally figured out that I think he was saying caboose but with an ey sound at the end. It was just coming out all wrong and of all places----at the OBGYN office. We finally were able to change the subject for a little while but he immediately said the word---LOUDLY as we entered the exam room. Oh how I would have loved to have not claimed him that day I was even tempted to tell the nurse he was a neighbor's kid but again--Brandon can't deny him. Oh well as usual T gave us a reason to laugh at an otherwise tense time. I thank God for my T daily--he keeps us all laughing all of the time.

"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief."

Hope

On November 30th, Brandon, Trenton and I made the long trip to Liberal to meet a new OBGYN that I will be seeing. It took right at 2 HOURS to get to his office. Medical Care in Kansas has been an adjustment for us. When we lived in Tulsa we were just minutes away from any doctor needed. It's not like that here. I have actually been seeing a family doc for my pregnancies here. Most of my friends all do the same. After much prayer Bran and I decided it was time to get another opinion. "Just keep trying" isn't working for us anymore. While we both totally agree that God is and always has been in complete control of each of our pregnancies we just need someone to listen to us now. Dr Knutson did just that. He listened and he gave us some options. He can't guarantee anything (of course) because God is in control but I will be undergoing some testing in the near future and do covet your prayers as we seek some answers for our future. We are both so excited about what God has in store for our 2011.

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, o Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:22

And Baby makes Six.....

Man that sounds so good! Too bad it is not at all what I had hoped for. Please don't be quick to judge when you read this post. I have been hesitant to even write it for that reason. I also have much guilt as I know that I have so many friends out there who long to have just one child (on earth) and I have been blessed with 3---yes I get that. Yet, I still feel the pain.

Let's start at the beginning. October 21st, just one day after my birthday, I posted a status on facebook stating that I had just received the BEST birthday gift ever. Many of you saw it and questioned me as to what the gift was. I had posted that for my husband who ruined my surprise by not ever seeing the post. The day after my birthday I realized that I was late for the third time in the last year. I decided to take a pregnancy test---this time I only took one AFTER I was late. It was positive. It was the BEST birthday present ever! I immediately fell to my knees on the bathroom floor and thanked God with everything that I had and I begged him to let me keep this baby. Please let this be the one I have the privilege to carry to term and raise. A prayer I have never before prayed nor have I ever seen the need to. I then began to think of a way I could surprise B. Now that I have done it 5 times I have ran out of creative ideas. I went to google--nothing that seemed to fit us. So I decided to type the birthday present status on fb. Surely he would see it and ask what the present was. Nope---never saw it. A week later it was killing me that no one knew. I had to tell him. I was working at the daycare and just sent a text telling him to check my drawer in the bathroom. He immediately sent a text back. Is this from today? Silly guy. Of course it is current, why would I send him to the drawer to find an old test. Anyway, he was thrilled! We agreed not to share our news for a while. Each morning started and my night ended praying that same prayer, "Please Lord, let this be the baby you let me have on earth...". I would beg with all of my heart. About a week later, one afternoon, I was talking with Beth at the daycare and all of sudden had to make a mad dash to the bathroom. I have NEVER been so thrilled to throw-up in all of my life! So I shared my secret with Beth. She was as thrilled as B and I. Aren't good friends---Great!!! Well, within days I began to spot but I didn't loose hope. I just kept praying. The spotting turned to all out bleeding---still hoping and praying. I know my God is a God of miracles. Then last Sunday Morning as I sat in my Sunday School Class, I felt the feeling that I didn't want to feel. I lost our baby at just 6 weeks. Our third baby in 10 Months. We now have as many children waiting for us in Heaven as we have on earth. 6 kids total. Wow! How can this be Lord? How can this be? Again, please don't judge me. I know we all have different doctors and all of our doctors have very different opinions on how long to wait post miscarriage before you try to conceive again. When I lost Trevor in January--I lost a lot of blood. My blood counts were low enough that I was near needing a transfusion. I was in labor to deliver the placenta for well over 2 hours. Then the DNC. It was very hard on my body. The doctor recommended I wait 4 months--I waited almost 6. My miscarriage in August at 8 weeks was much less traumatic on my body. The doctor said that I was safe to try again the next month. He went on to say that at my age it would be to my benefit to try quickly while my hormone levels were elevated. I was hesitant at first but decided to leave it God's hands. I made the decision and here is where I am. I left it all in God's hands. I begged for Him to not take my baby but that was not His plan. I would LOVE to say that I understand. But I don't. I would LOVE to say that I am not heartbroken. But I am. I am crushed. I am wounded. I am hurting. But you know what..God is here. He LOVES me and He has never left my side. For that I am truly thankful! Do I miss my babies? Every day of my life! Those of you who have been on this journey through the joy and sorrow of my 2010. Please pray for me. I need it now more than ever.

" He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." Revelation 21:4-5

Oh what a promise!