Baby Number 5

 One year ago today I said good bye to our baby. When I lost Trevor the doctor wrote it off as a fluke----he was just incompatible with life thats what he said. Try again as soon as you can, I am sure this one will be fine is what he said. Boy did I find out who is in control and it certainly is not him! Baby number 5 although just as real as little Trevor is harder for me to get a grasp on. With Trevor I was able to hold him in my hand and see each of his tiny features right down to his tongue. I was able to hold him and pray over him. I was able to say good bye. With Baby number 5 I was only a few weeks along. I didn't get the same type of closure I did with Trevor. I wasn't able to hold him or her. I wasn't able to name that sweet baby because I didn't know if that sweet baby was a boy or a girl. To those of you who have read "Heaven is for Real", I completely broke down when I got to the place in the book when he meets his big sister in Heaven and she is waiting on her mommy & daddy to get there to give her a name. They, like us lost her too early to know her sex & give her a name.I can't wait to get to Heaven and see my sweet babies waiting on us to get there and give them names. Oh what a day that will be! For now I am just thankful for the few weeks I had with our sweet baby in my womb. Those few weeks changed my life forever!

Shelby's 1st Birthday Celebration! at OneTrueMedia.com

On July 30th we were blessed to gather to celebrate my niece Shelby's First Birthday. This is a video I made of highlights of that special day. I hope she and her mommy & daddy enjoy watching it half much as I have enjoyed putting it together. I have had many laughs as well as tears while working on it. Shelby's mommy, Amy is my baby sister. She is 11 years younger than me. While other girls my age were playing with and dressing their Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, I had a real living doll to dress and play with. I always enjoyed picking out her clothes and fixing her hair when my mom would let me. In High School I think she went along on most of my dates! Looking back I think mom may have had an alterior motive for sending her. :) I can't believe my baby sister is now old enough to have a baby of her own. I am truly blessed by the beautiful mother she has become. And I know that Shelby is so blessed by having her for a mommy. I can't wait to celebrate many more of Shelby's birthdays!

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Shoes, Ties & A Whole Lot of BLING!

 God blessed our family yesterday with a great day of shopping together. As a child, one of my favorite memories was getting to shop for clothes for school. As an adult I have to admit I still enjoy shopping for new clothes for my children. Each child had a certain amount they could spend and off to town we went. We started at Penn Square Mall. It quickly became apparent that we might have a few challenges on our hands. S loves, loves, LOVES shoes! Athletic shoes of course. Athletic shoes and clothes for sports practice are pretty much all she is interested in. I kept having to remind her that she will need something to wear to school! All I asked was that she find something new for the 1st day of school. After several stores, and me removing her from several shoe sections. We finally had success! I think we have created a monster with T. All he was interested in was finding some new ties. Any of you who have a 4 year old who wants ties will  know, they are not easy to find. We were able to find him a couple of new ones. I NEVER thought I would see a day when my 4 year old would be spending $16.00 on a new tie. It has trucks on it so he was sold! His huge grin the rest of the day was priceless! He was so proud of his purchase. Boy was I thankful when the WWE (wrestler) T-shirt he wanted to purchase to wear with his new tie only came in sizes 8 & up. Saved by his small size! We did manage to pick up a few things---other than ties--for him to wear to preschool. K is our little shopper! She loves to go and can find something for herself at any store. So it was more challenging for her to pick & choose what she could get within the budget she was given. She started out the day picking out accessories, accessories and more accesories! She was drawn to hats in every store. I kept reminding her that she would look funny wearing just a hat! So then it was earrings, sparkly belts, zebra hair barrettes--you know all of the essentials! I had to add it up and show her that to purchase all of the accessories that she had rounded up was going to take all of her money. That was hard for her to understand since the pile looked so small. She made some difficult choices and got her favorite accessories and was able to find some fun, colorful clothes to wear with them! All in all it was a great day and we are thankful.

T is for Tie....

   The Sunday before Mother's Day T decided that he needed to wear a tie to church like daddy. He insisted on it! In the past he has worn ties, suits mainly in Fall/Winter when it is cooler out. Then I have opted for Polos/dress shorts for the warmer months. But he was set on wearing a tie. When we found a white dress shirt & tie tucked away in the back of his closet--he was giddy! Once dressed he said, "Mommy, since I have a tie on like daddy can I talk on the microphone on the stage today like daddy?" Hmmmm. lol. Anyway, he has insisted on wearing a tie every Sunday since and we have come up with some pretty creative ensembles. On Mother's Day he did get to go on the stage and say Happy Mother's Day in the microphone. He was thrilled!

God is Faithful!

 I have been wanting to sit down & write for a while now. To be honest I just haven't made time. This blog was truly one of my biggest helps during the most difficult time of my grief. Now, 19 months out (today) I often struggle with what exactly I should be feeling. The books I have read all say everyone grieves different. Allow yourself time to grieve. While the world says--your grieving a person you never even knew, it's been over a year & half now, let's move on. To be honest I would LOVE to be sitting here holding a precious baby as I write this or at least to be announcing that we are expecting Baby Number 7 and the doctor has said all is well. But I am not holding our baby nor am I pregnant. In my mind, I think how easy it would be to say Praise God if I had either of those things. But I don't. Many blogs I followed following the loss of Trevor were of other moms who had also lost babies. I found great comfort in them. However, their sorrow was soon replaced with joy as they announced their pending pregnancies. Many of them now have sweet babies to hold. Oh how easy it must be to say Praise God as they hold those sweet little miracles in their arms. Oh I have walked the road of loss so I am wise enough to know that NOTHING or NO ONE could EVER replace the child they lost but I can't help but think that holding that brand new baby in their arms can only make the pain a little more palatable. I mean what better proof could one have of God's faithfulness than a brand new miracle--the kind only HE can give. So where does that leave me? Has God been faithful to me? You bet he has! HE has been right here with me through all of the pain of my losses. He has NEVER once left my side! Except to carry me when I needed him most! I recently read something that I found great comfort in......it's based on Genesis chapter 50....God says "I want you to realize that I never underestimated how you would struggle and suffer and I don't want you to underestimate your struggles either. They're all part of the story I'm telling. Neither have I underestimated My determination or ability to enter the pain you feel, then turn everything around. I can, and I will, make everything good again. Never, ever underestimate Me. I have a plan, a very good one, and it will move ahead to completion. Guaranteed! Trust Me. Why? Because I Love you in the middle of your pain even though I don't relieve it as quickly as you wish. I am worthy of your trust, no matter what happens in your life. I have a good plan, and nothing will stop Me from carrying it to completion. You must live now in the tension between anguish and hope."
 I am so thankful that He has been right here with me for the past 19 months. He knows better than anyone the pain I have felt. The struggle I have had with being a mommy to my 3 blessings on earth while trying to keep the memory alive of my little blessings waiting for me in Heaven. Trevor and the two waiting for Brandon & I to get there to give them their names. God has been faithful! Has he given me what I wanted? No, not yet. Does he know what is best for me? Absolutely! Can I trust him? 100 percent! He has my best interest at heart. None of us are getting any younger and I have come to the realization that God may never give me exactly what I wanted. I also know that he knows best and he may give me something far better than I could ever imagine! Until then, I will keep waiting, trusting him day by day with my whole heart!