Sentimental ole me--1 year later

When God created me---he created someone who lives on, thrives on, LOVES, LOVES, LOVES details! I have to be careful or I can become completely consumed with them! The jobs that I have had that I have LOVED the most have all been centered around---you guessed it---Details! With that love for details comes this memory that at times can be a curse! I can remember things from forever ago---not just a little but every last detail down to the complete outfit---including socks & undergarments I was wearing at the time of such memory. This can drive others around me crazy! Sammy will try to debate me on things in the past and Brandon just says "you may as well give up, your mom remembers everything!" Poor guy--he has learned throughout the years. Finally now that he is in ministry--he appreciates that I can remember those things for him. All of that being said I just can't get the memory of all of the events of this day one year ago out of my head. It was a Sunday--just like any other Sunday. We got up and attended church as usual. When we got home from church we finished putting some things away in our bedroom. We had rearranged the day before to make room for the Amby Bed we would be purchasing in the near future. We finished the room just in time to head out to the movies in Coldwater for a date night---a real treat for us! We went to see Blindside. I had my usual Popcorn with Ranch topping while Brandon opted for his plain popcorn. While we were muching before the movie Brandon received a text from a lady in our church stating that her daughter said that we could her daughter's Amby bed--we were soooo excited! I remember having a couple of odd pains during the movie but not anything I would have ever been concerned about. The movie was good and we returned home. After the kids were tucked in their beds we watched a little tv. I remember telling Brandon about the odd pains---but neither of us were really concerned. After all I had given birth to 3 healthy children with 3 uneventful pregnancies--why would this time be any different? We proceeded to call it a night. I can remember every detail of that day--every smell along the way---the smell of the new dresser Brandon had put together that day. The smell of the popcorn, my clean pj's-you get the picture! Those details go through my mind time and time again. And as today marks a year they are freshly on my mind. I have questioned myself at least a thousand times----Why didn't I go to the doctor when I had those odd pains? In my heart I know he would have just sent me back home though. After all, I had nothing else to be concerned about. No other symptoms, prior problems, etc. So tonight as I go to bed I can't help but ask myself, if it happened today would I do anything any differently? Again, I have to say no and just accept that it is all a part of God's plan. While there are many details I can control in this life--God has shown me that human life is so fragile and from conception--he and only he is in control.

“For YOU created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful I know that full well.” Psalm 139: 13-14

Beauty Will Rise!

As tomorrow quickly approaches that long awaited first year mark is upon me. At times it seems like it just happened. I can remember EVERY detail of that tragic morning. Other times it seems as though it happened in another lifetime---ages ago. I am so thankful I have a few tangible items that I can hold. Photos, a tiny blanket they wrapped Trevor in at the hospital, a plaster mold of tiny footprints so small that you really can't make them out---but I know what they are. All of these things remind me it was not a nightmare--Trevor did really exist. Brandon and I have a tradition of going shopping on Black Friday every year. We get up super early with all of the other crazy people out there looking to save 50 cents-lol. Anyway, last year we purchased Steven Curtis Chapman's CD-Beauty Will Rise as a Black Friday Special Bargain. I had no idea what an investment that would be! He wrote the songs on it as a tribute to his young daughter Maria who went to Heaven in 2008. The Songs on the cd (every one of them) have ministered to me so much through this process they call grief. The title song Beauty Will Rise speaks volumes to me still now. So I thought I would share the lyrics with you on this the eve of my precious son's death.

Beauty Will Rise
by Steven Curtis Chapman

It was the day the world went wrong

I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise
So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.
Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...
I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.


I can't wait to see the beauty that comes out of all of the ashes of our 2010. It's the hope I cling to that gets me through the toughest of days.

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11-NIV



Baby Ryder Clay

Moving to Protection has brought many, many changes in our lives. Most have been wonderful---all have been God's plan. Our first trip to the place we had NEVER heard of and I knew in my heart that God was calling us here. While I knew God's plan for Brandon (to pastor his first church). I had NO idea what God had in store for me. I wondered what on earth I would do with my time here. I have been a stay-at-home mom along with many other things in the past. Most recently I worked at a Children's Hospital in Tulsa in the PICU as a Monitor Tech. I stayed up all night watching the little heartbeats of all our patients. Many nights were pretty uneventful but many more were filled with Code Blues (I called them---talk about scary) and children dying with parents at their bedsides---a reality I NEVER knew existed before working there. Anyway, obviously there was no need for my monitor tech skills in Comanche Co--so what was God gonna do with me here? The time was coming close for us to the make the move and I received a phone call from one of our soon to be church members asking if I would consider caring for an infant in the community. I told her I would pray about it, she gave me the name and phone number of the mommy. I prayed still not knowing what to do I called the mom and met one of my soon to be new friends in Kansas. I decided to take care of Cooper. I remember telling Brandon..."I will take care of Cooper and only Cooper until God opens another door." lol. I had done childcare (on a small scale) in the past but really thought God was done using me in that capacity (lol). Anyway, what became the Hands of Protection Christian Day Care all came out of a phone call that Summer day. I would have NEVER in a million years guessed what God had in store for me here. Oh how he has blessed me! Fast forward from the Summer of 2008 to January of 2009. In the early morning hours when I lost Trevor in our bathroom. Brandon and I wondered who we could call to take care of our children while we made our trip to the hospital. The first couple (members of our church) that came to mind were out of town at that time. I then remembered Tara telling me that when the time came for our baby to come I could call her night or day and she would care for our children. Brandon made the phone call to Tyler and within minutes Tara was on our doorstep (aren't friends great!) She already phoned her mom (an ER nurse) and knew just what we should do. We had Trevor wrapped in a wash cloth and she directed me to put lotion on his little body (per her mom). So I found lotion and she even helped me put it on him. What a truly amazing friend! As we waited for the ambulance to arrive--she asked could she pray for us. Of course we said yes--and prayed she did. She did an amazing job caring for our kids on a very chaotic day! She kept them from knowing anything--except I was ill, so that Brandon and I could share with them the tragedy of that day. Fast Forward to January 2011-I see it only fitting as part of God's sovereign plan--that on what will be one of the most challenging weeks of my life, the one year anniversary of the loss of Trevor. I will have the blessing and privilege of taking care of Tara's second baby Ryder Clay for the first time. I find great comfort in knowing God has a plan and has orchestrated it all. I know I will be so blessed in just holding and caring for my sweet friends--sweet little baby. Isn't God so good!

Trenton's First (and LAST!) trip to the OB

In my previous post I had mentioned that Brandon, Trenton and I had made the trip to the OB. What I didn't mention was that we waited in the waiting room for over 2 hours (after driving 2 hours) to see the doctor. My appointment time was 3:00. I didn't get back to the exam room until 5:10. As you can imagine T became very antsy as did Brandon. T was dancing around the waiting room doing what he does best (entertaining the ladies). When out of his mouth came the worst word I have ever heard any of my children say and in all places the OB office. I am reluctant to even share this part of the day--but Brandon insists that I must. T came out with a word that sounded much like a slang word used for a females private body part. You know the one. The terrible one ending in ssy. He shouted it. I know I turned 5 shades of red as I tried to quiet him down. B sitting nearby pretended not to know either of us. As though anyone would ever question T's relation to him. lol. Obviously this is not a word used in our home so I tried to make out what word he was trying to say. He kept repeating it over and over---louder and louder. I was mortified! Finally he said "Mama it's not a bad word Ms. Deanna said it at school today while we were playing train." I finally figured out that I think he was saying caboose but with an ey sound at the end. It was just coming out all wrong and of all places----at the OBGYN office. We finally were able to change the subject for a little while but he immediately said the word---LOUDLY as we entered the exam room. Oh how I would have loved to have not claimed him that day I was even tempted to tell the nurse he was a neighbor's kid but again--Brandon can't deny him. Oh well as usual T gave us a reason to laugh at an otherwise tense time. I thank God for my T daily--he keeps us all laughing all of the time.

"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief."

Hope

On November 30th, Brandon, Trenton and I made the long trip to Liberal to meet a new OBGYN that I will be seeing. It took right at 2 HOURS to get to his office. Medical Care in Kansas has been an adjustment for us. When we lived in Tulsa we were just minutes away from any doctor needed. It's not like that here. I have actually been seeing a family doc for my pregnancies here. Most of my friends all do the same. After much prayer Bran and I decided it was time to get another opinion. "Just keep trying" isn't working for us anymore. While we both totally agree that God is and always has been in complete control of each of our pregnancies we just need someone to listen to us now. Dr Knutson did just that. He listened and he gave us some options. He can't guarantee anything (of course) because God is in control but I will be undergoing some testing in the near future and do covet your prayers as we seek some answers for our future. We are both so excited about what God has in store for our 2011.

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, o Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:22