This time is so much harder. As much fear as I had going into this pregnancy I never believed in my heart that God would actually take two babies from me. I really didn't. Yet, here I am. Right in a place I never expected to be. Not because I am some Super Christian who does everything right everyday. No, nothing even close to that. Because God knows me, he knows me through and through. He most certainly knows just how weak I am. He also knows my need to be in control of things personality. With Trevor, I delivered a baby. Yes, he was tiny but perfect in every other way. Brenda (the sweetest, most caring nurse that I have ever met) gave Trevor a bath and wrapped him in the tiniest of blankets and brought him back to Brandon and I to hold. I was able to hold him and rock him and tell him just how much he was loved. (Oh I know he was already with Jesus) This was all for me, it was what I needed to get through it. We were able to place him in the smallest of wood boxes and bury him at the cemetary close by so I can go out visit to him anytime I need. Again, all for me but God knew I needed that. I have a few photos, a blanket, a footprint, things that all represent his short 17 week life. They are just things---but somehow when I am having a rough day---those things bring great comfort to me. This time is more challenging. There was no actual baby to hold----at least not one my human eyes could recognize. There were no bathes or blankets. Not even a spot at the cemetary. I have no photos, blankets, foot prints, etc. I don't even know if it was a boy or girl. I knew about this sweet baby just days after conception---truly the earliest I have ever known I was pregnant. Yet, now I have nothing to represent such a sweet, short life. I am really struggling with this. I long for something tangible to say good by too. I long for the closure that only God can give.
"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28
The Hardest Part
8 hours ago