I come to you with the heaviest of hearts. I don't even know what to say except I am hurting. I know you don't want us to live in fear but I am living there now. I have been there for 2 and half months now. I know you know my heart, I know you know. It started with the fear that I wouldn't be able to have any more children. After all, we both know I am not getting any younger. WOW! After 16 (yes 16) pregnancy tests you whooped that fear! Pregnant the very first month---at my age----only you could do that God! I have read all of the online stats. I had only a 55% chance of getting pregnant in 12 months---you did it in ONE! Thank you Lord! You would think that I could trust you then---but oh no! I still had to live in fear. Then came the fear of not being sick! I'm pregnant I should feel sick----right? So I try to control things by taking yet another #17 pregnancy test two weeks later and yes the line was still positive yet not as dark as the original lines. So what sets in----FEAR. So I call the doctor who orders blood work which shows my progesterone to be low. I begin taking the progesterone----my fear just remains. Oh and then there are the Prenatal Vitamins that I purchased online. I read every review out there and bought the top rated Prenatal in an effort to fix things myself----why?------FEAR! I don't want to live this way Lord. I trust you with everything else. I trust you with my 3 children on earth. I trust you with their precious lives each & every day. Why can't I trust you with this little life? After all who could love that sweet baby more than me? Only you God, Only you! You knit that baby together in my womb Lord---you did! Last Friday after dinner I began to spot Lord. You know what happened next, I was scared-----more Fear. I rested and prayed. The verse I have taught my children from preschool went through my mind over & over. "When I am afraid I will trust you". I want to trust you Lord, I really do! The spotting stopped. Monday night---it happened again. Tuesday night went to bed with a little bit of cramping---Wednesday morning woke up with blood everywhere. How can this be? God---you know I have prayed and prayed and prayed for this child. I LOVED this child long before he/she was conceived. I was scared to death to even try to conceive again. Who can go through that kind of loss---not just once but twice. I knew in my heart I COULDN'T. That pain is impossible for anyone to bear. Today is Friday. I would LOVE to say that I am no longer bleeding and have NO FEAR. But I can't. Unfortunately I think I have as much fear as I did 2 and half months ago when I was shaking taking that first pregnancy test. I am scared to death of what lies ahead of me this morning. I know I shouldn't be. I know your WORD tells me that you are walking there before me. You know what is coming and you can/will carry me through. God I am sorry but I am still being selfish. I am still praying for a miracle. I am still praying that somewhere in there beyond all of the blood, tissue etc that I have lost. There is a baby. There is a baby with a strong heartbeat. There is a baby just waiting to be born. There is a baby just waiting to do great things for you! There is a baby that I can't wait to tell all about you! A miracle baby that has a story that I can't wait to share with everyone I know! A miracle only YOU could give. Lord, I am begging please remove all of my doubts and fear, please help me to trust you in all things especially this one. I LOVE you so much.
The Hardest Part
8 hours ago