God chose Me

About three weeks ago a local theater had a one time showing of "Letters to God". Samantha & I had taken Nana to see it back in April when we visited for Sammy's b-day. This time Brandon, Sammy, Kailey and some friends and I went to see it. There is a line in that movie that brought great comfort to me back in April when I was still hard in the midst of grief. It brought great comfort to me again three weeks ago when I was in celebration of a new little life growing inside me. Tyler a young boy in the final stages of cancer--tells his mom...."God chose you to be my mom". If my babies were here and could speak I know they too would say "God chose you to be our mom". He did. He chose me. Why? I may never know while here on earth. But I was chosen by God-----I see that only as a privilege. I see myself only as a willing servant---here to do whatever God may call me to do. Is that always joyful? No, it really isn't---right now it's quite painful. But God is here---he knows my pain and he LOVES me. He will carry me through. And sometimes the joy doesn't come---until the morning. Boy, do I want to be there for that morning. I want to see the joy that comes from all the pain.

".....Weeping may endure for a night, But JOY comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5

An Improper Good Bye

This time is so much harder. As much fear as I had going into this pregnancy I never believed in my heart that God would actually take two babies from me. I really didn't. Yet, here I am. Right in a place I never expected to be. Not because I am some Super Christian who does everything right everyday. No, nothing even close to that. Because God knows me, he knows me through and through. He most certainly knows just how weak I am. He also knows my need to be in control of things personality. With Trevor, I delivered a baby. Yes, he was tiny but perfect in every other way. Brenda (the sweetest, most caring nurse that I have ever met) gave Trevor a bath and wrapped him in the tiniest of blankets and brought him back to Brandon and I to hold. I was able to hold him and rock him and tell him just how much he was loved. (Oh I know he was already with Jesus) This was all for me, it was what I needed to get through it. We were able to place him in the smallest of wood boxes and bury him at the cemetary close by so I can go out visit to him anytime I need. Again, all for me but God knew I needed that. I have a few photos, a blanket, a footprint, things that all represent his short 17 week life. They are just things---but somehow when I am having a rough day---those things bring great comfort to me. This time is more challenging. There was no actual baby to hold----at least not one my human eyes could recognize. There were no bathes or blankets. Not even a spot at the cemetary. I have no photos, blankets, foot prints, etc. I don't even know if it was a boy or girl. I knew about this sweet baby just days after conception---truly the earliest I have ever known I was pregnant. Yet, now I have nothing to represent such a sweet, short life. I am really struggling with this. I long for something tangible to say good by too. I long for the closure that only God can give.

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28

My Broken Heart

Man.....what a year. If on December 31st you would have told me that I would loose 2 children in 2010, I would have thought you were crazy. I have been blessed 3 times with 3 truly uneventful pregnancies resulting in 3 completely healthy children and for that I am truly thankful. I NEVER realized until 2010 how significant that is. I NEVER realized just how fragile life is until 2010. I am now a mother of 5 precious children. I can't even believe that. I saw a mom with her 6 children in the grocery store today and thought wow she has a Big family. Then I realized our cart was missing two of our helpers or we would have almost that many. Wow. If on January 4, 2010 (the day our son Trevor went to be with Jesus) you would have said, Stacy in 7 months and two weeks you will have another baby join Trevor and Jesus, again I would have thought you to be crazy. Yet, here I am in the midst of my heartbreak with two children in the arms of Jesus. Yes, it took me 6 months before I could even begin to consider another baby. Not because I don't long for just one more baby but because of the fear of the heartbreak I now face. God did answer my prayer though. I conceived very quickly and I have (or had) the 17 tests to prove it. lol (Not all of them positive---because of course I began testing way too early) But many were positive. Earlypregnancytests.com has great prices on cheap, accurate pregnancy tests for anyone else out there who is crazy like me. I know God is faithful and I know He still has a plan for us. I know he can carry me through. I just pray that someday he will allow us to have one more baby to hold and to Love. I also pray that I never take for granted the significance of Life. It is a precious thing that only God can give. May I NEVER take any of my children for granted.

Psalm 23........Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For YOU are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

FEAR

Dear God:

 I come to you with the heaviest of hearts. I don't even know what to say except I am hurting. I know you don't want us to live in fear but I am living there now. I have been there for 2 and half months now. I know you know my heart, I know you know. It started with the fear that I wouldn't be able to have any more children. After all, we both know I am not getting any younger. WOW! After 16 (yes 16) pregnancy tests you whooped that fear! Pregnant the very first month---at my age----only you could do that God! I have read all of the online stats. I had only a 55% chance of getting pregnant in 12 months---you did it in ONE! Thank you Lord! You would think that I could trust you then---but oh no! I still had to live in fear. Then came the fear of not being sick! I'm pregnant I should feel sick----right? So I try to control things by taking yet another #17 pregnancy test two weeks later and yes the line was still positive yet not as dark as the original lines. So what sets in----FEAR. So I call the doctor who orders blood work which shows my progesterone to be low. I begin taking the progesterone----my fear just remains. Oh and then there are the Prenatal Vitamins that I purchased online. I read every review out there and bought the top rated Prenatal in an effort to fix things myself----why?------FEAR! I don't want to live this way Lord. I trust you with everything else. I trust you with my 3 children on earth. I trust you with their precious lives each & every day. Why can't I trust you with this little life? After all who could love that sweet baby more than me? Only you God, Only you! You knit that baby together in my womb Lord---you did! Last Friday after dinner I began to spot Lord. You know what happened next, I was scared-----more Fear. I rested and prayed. The verse I have taught my children from preschool went through my mind over & over. "When I am afraid I will trust you". I want to trust you Lord, I really do! The spotting stopped. Monday night---it happened again. Tuesday night went to bed with a little bit of cramping---Wednesday morning woke up with blood everywhere. How can this be? God---you know I have prayed and prayed and prayed for this child. I LOVED this child long before he/she was conceived. I was scared to death to even try to conceive again. Who can go through that kind of loss---not just once but twice. I knew in my heart I COULDN'T. That pain is impossible for anyone to bear. Today is Friday. I would LOVE to say that I am no longer bleeding and have NO FEAR. But I can't. Unfortunately I think I have as much fear as I did 2 and half months ago when I was shaking taking that first pregnancy test. I am scared to death of what lies ahead of me this morning. I know I shouldn't be. I know your WORD tells me that you are walking there before me. You know what is coming and you can/will carry me through. God I am sorry but I am still being selfish. I am still praying for a miracle. I am still praying that somewhere in there beyond all of the blood, tissue etc that I have lost. There is a baby. There is a baby with a strong heartbeat. There is a baby just waiting to be born. There is a baby just waiting to do great things for you! There is a baby that I can't wait to tell all about you! A miracle baby that has a story that I can't wait to share with everyone I know! A miracle only YOU could give. Lord, I am begging please remove all of my doubts and fear, please help me to trust you in all things especially this one. I LOVE you so much.

Your daughter.

Save the Date!

       Save the Date:

Friday Evening & Saturday Morning

September 10 & 11th

Women's Conference

Laverne, OK

"The Journey"

Speaker:  Jen Hatmaker

http://www.jenhatmaker.com/

Praise & Worship

Fellowship & Blessings

$30.00 per lady

High School Girls may come for free

Scholarships are available.

I am so excited that an event this big is coming so close to Comanche County. I hope some of you can join me. I visited Jen's website and I think this will be an excellent opportunity to hear from a woman of God.