I will hold on with ALL of my MIGHT!

If there is anything that I have learned over the past 20 months it is that my priorities can change in an instant. In the days, weeks & months following the loss of Trevor, boy did my focus change! My main priority was to learn EVERYTHING I could about the Lord God who saved me many years ago & who was now taking care of my precious son. The son only HE could give. The son only HE could take. Oh I have been in church all of my life & have read my Bible and had a prayer life for many years but I needed so much more! The next thing is my family. I want to spend every second I can with them realizing now how precious and fleeting those moments truly are! The past few days have once again become a reminder of how fast my priorities can change. After some recent abnormalities I decided (or Brandon convinced me) to pay a visit to my Gyno. Immediately upon exam he knew there was a problem. He sent me for lab (it only took 3 sweet little lab ladies & 7 sticks to get my blood, my veins don't like to share-never have!) and then for ultrasound. The young tech was very sweet & confirmed that the fibroids he suspected were there in full force & she sent us on our way. The doctor told me surgery would need to be done asap and that Brandon & I would have to decide rather or not to preserve my fertility based on the results. He said I might have 3 surgery options (1 would preserve the option of more children but we would have to act fast & I would be a c-setion patient from now on) The other 2 options would mean the end of a hope. The end of my prayers.. The other 2 would mean I would never again sit here and dream of holding a sweet little newborn that I, by the grace of God brought into this world, in my arms. Cuddling them for hours just to smell their sweet little skin. The other 2 options would mean an end to my life as I know it right now. If I had talked to you last night, my priority would have been, let's preserve my fertility for as long as I can. Let's hold on to that hope....at least for a little longer.....Just let me dream.....I want to HOLD ON WITH ALL OF MIGHT! As I said before, priorities can change.....in an instant.

That instant came about 1:30 this afternoon. I received the call I had been waiting for from my doctor. The one where he was going to tell me I have some choices to make (at least that is what I hoped) or he would tell me that I only had the option of the hysterectomy. Either way----I was mentally prepared to be sitting down with Brandon tonight to discuss when/how this surgery was going to happen. The doctor began with going over the fibroids he had found that were confirmed through the ultrasound. He quickly gave me the dimensions of each one and went on to say that by those he was not surprised. The tone in his voice quickly changed as he went on... He started by saying how surprised he was, by something else. Something that the radiologist had spotted & given him a call to discuss. His next few words were all about biopsies, bad cells, masses, microscopes & so on. His words echoed in my ear as he said---we cannot go forward with any surgery until we get this under a microscope. His next words would cut through me to the core of my very being. To preserve your fertility is probably not an option at this point, but YOU need to decide how important that is to you. How important that is to Brandon. We will talk more when I see you in my office for the biopsy And with that, the conversation ended. After the past 20 months since the loss of Trevor I NEVER thought it would come down to a conversation like that. I have always believed God would bless me with 1 more baby and I would happily ease into menopause when the time was right. If there is anything that I have learned over the past 20 months it is that God's plans aren't always my plans. In fact lately it seems they rarely are! But I have also learned that he is the ONE, the ONLY ONE I can trust! He sees the BIG picture, the BIG plan! I am only blessed enough to see a small part of it! As I said before, in the last 24 hours my priorities have changed... "I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting...but will HOLD on to Jesus-----FOR LIFE!" Fertility, just like anything else in this life, is fleeting! We only have it for as long as God allows. It is something we have no control over! But I can HOLD on to Jesus----FOR LIFE!!!

I know many who read this blog are prayer warriors. I don't ask often but Brandon & I covet your prayers at this time. I will go for a biopsy on October 12th. (My doctor leaves for vacation tomorrow & will not return until then) God has already answered so many prayers in this situation. My main prayer & the prayer of my friends going into this were for answers. God answered that prayer....I got answers. My next prayer is still for wisdom for the doctor & his team. Wisdom for Brandon & I. And most of all, I would just like to feel like myself again. A BIG thank you to all of you who care enough to take time out of your busy lives to read my blog full of rambles. I consider you all friends. Good Night!

Baby Number 5

 One year ago today I said good bye to our baby. When I lost Trevor the doctor wrote it off as a fluke----he was just incompatible with life thats what he said. Try again as soon as you can, I am sure this one will be fine is what he said. Boy did I find out who is in control and it certainly is not him! Baby number 5 although just as real as little Trevor is harder for me to get a grasp on. With Trevor I was able to hold him in my hand and see each of his tiny features right down to his tongue. I was able to hold him and pray over him. I was able to say good bye. With Baby number 5 I was only a few weeks along. I didn't get the same type of closure I did with Trevor. I wasn't able to hold him or her. I wasn't able to name that sweet baby because I didn't know if that sweet baby was a boy or a girl. To those of you who have read "Heaven is for Real", I completely broke down when I got to the place in the book when he meets his big sister in Heaven and she is waiting on her mommy & daddy to get there to give her a name. They, like us lost her too early to know her sex & give her a name.I can't wait to get to Heaven and see my sweet babies waiting on us to get there and give them names. Oh what a day that will be! For now I am just thankful for the few weeks I had with our sweet baby in my womb. Those few weeks changed my life forever!

Shelby's 1st Birthday Celebration! at OneTrueMedia.com

On July 30th we were blessed to gather to celebrate my niece Shelby's First Birthday. This is a video I made of highlights of that special day. I hope she and her mommy & daddy enjoy watching it half much as I have enjoyed putting it together. I have had many laughs as well as tears while working on it. Shelby's mommy, Amy is my baby sister. She is 11 years younger than me. While other girls my age were playing with and dressing their Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, I had a real living doll to dress and play with. I always enjoyed picking out her clothes and fixing her hair when my mom would let me. In High School I think she went along on most of my dates! Looking back I think mom may have had an alterior motive for sending her. :) I can't believe my baby sister is now old enough to have a baby of her own. I am truly blessed by the beautiful mother she has become. And I know that Shelby is so blessed by having her for a mommy. I can't wait to celebrate many more of Shelby's birthdays!

To listen to video music without my blog music, scroll to the bottom of my blog and push the mute button.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Shoes, Ties & A Whole Lot of BLING!

 God blessed our family yesterday with a great day of shopping together. As a child, one of my favorite memories was getting to shop for clothes for school. As an adult I have to admit I still enjoy shopping for new clothes for my children. Each child had a certain amount they could spend and off to town we went. We started at Penn Square Mall. It quickly became apparent that we might have a few challenges on our hands. S loves, loves, LOVES shoes! Athletic shoes of course. Athletic shoes and clothes for sports practice are pretty much all she is interested in. I kept having to remind her that she will need something to wear to school! All I asked was that she find something new for the 1st day of school. After several stores, and me removing her from several shoe sections. We finally had success! I think we have created a monster with T. All he was interested in was finding some new ties. Any of you who have a 4 year old who wants ties will  know, they are not easy to find. We were able to find him a couple of new ones. I NEVER thought I would see a day when my 4 year old would be spending $16.00 on a new tie. It has trucks on it so he was sold! His huge grin the rest of the day was priceless! He was so proud of his purchase. Boy was I thankful when the WWE (wrestler) T-shirt he wanted to purchase to wear with his new tie only came in sizes 8 & up. Saved by his small size! We did manage to pick up a few things---other than ties--for him to wear to preschool. K is our little shopper! She loves to go and can find something for herself at any store. So it was more challenging for her to pick & choose what she could get within the budget she was given. She started out the day picking out accessories, accessories and more accesories! She was drawn to hats in every store. I kept reminding her that she would look funny wearing just a hat! So then it was earrings, sparkly belts, zebra hair barrettes--you know all of the essentials! I had to add it up and show her that to purchase all of the accessories that she had rounded up was going to take all of her money. That was hard for her to understand since the pile looked so small. She made some difficult choices and got her favorite accessories and was able to find some fun, colorful clothes to wear with them! All in all it was a great day and we are thankful.

T is for Tie....

   The Sunday before Mother's Day T decided that he needed to wear a tie to church like daddy. He insisted on it! In the past he has worn ties, suits mainly in Fall/Winter when it is cooler out. Then I have opted for Polos/dress shorts for the warmer months. But he was set on wearing a tie. When we found a white dress shirt & tie tucked away in the back of his closet--he was giddy! Once dressed he said, "Mommy, since I have a tie on like daddy can I talk on the microphone on the stage today like daddy?" Hmmmm. lol. Anyway, he has insisted on wearing a tie every Sunday since and we have come up with some pretty creative ensembles. On Mother's Day he did get to go on the stage and say Happy Mother's Day in the microphone. He was thrilled!

God is Faithful!

 I have been wanting to sit down & write for a while now. To be honest I just haven't made time. This blog was truly one of my biggest helps during the most difficult time of my grief. Now, 19 months out (today) I often struggle with what exactly I should be feeling. The books I have read all say everyone grieves different. Allow yourself time to grieve. While the world says--your grieving a person you never even knew, it's been over a year & half now, let's move on. To be honest I would LOVE to be sitting here holding a precious baby as I write this or at least to be announcing that we are expecting Baby Number 7 and the doctor has said all is well. But I am not holding our baby nor am I pregnant. In my mind, I think how easy it would be to say Praise God if I had either of those things. But I don't. Many blogs I followed following the loss of Trevor were of other moms who had also lost babies. I found great comfort in them. However, their sorrow was soon replaced with joy as they announced their pending pregnancies. Many of them now have sweet babies to hold. Oh how easy it must be to say Praise God as they hold those sweet little miracles in their arms. Oh I have walked the road of loss so I am wise enough to know that NOTHING or NO ONE could EVER replace the child they lost but I can't help but think that holding that brand new baby in their arms can only make the pain a little more palatable. I mean what better proof could one have of God's faithfulness than a brand new miracle--the kind only HE can give. So where does that leave me? Has God been faithful to me? You bet he has! HE has been right here with me through all of the pain of my losses. He has NEVER once left my side! Except to carry me when I needed him most! I recently read something that I found great comfort in......it's based on Genesis chapter 50....God says "I want you to realize that I never underestimated how you would struggle and suffer and I don't want you to underestimate your struggles either. They're all part of the story I'm telling. Neither have I underestimated My determination or ability to enter the pain you feel, then turn everything around. I can, and I will, make everything good again. Never, ever underestimate Me. I have a plan, a very good one, and it will move ahead to completion. Guaranteed! Trust Me. Why? Because I Love you in the middle of your pain even though I don't relieve it as quickly as you wish. I am worthy of your trust, no matter what happens in your life. I have a good plan, and nothing will stop Me from carrying it to completion. You must live now in the tension between anguish and hope."
 I am so thankful that He has been right here with me for the past 19 months. He knows better than anyone the pain I have felt. The struggle I have had with being a mommy to my 3 blessings on earth while trying to keep the memory alive of my little blessings waiting for me in Heaven. Trevor and the two waiting for Brandon & I to get there to give them their names. God has been faithful! Has he given me what I wanted? No, not yet. Does he know what is best for me? Absolutely! Can I trust him? 100 percent! He has my best interest at heart. None of us are getting any younger and I have come to the realization that God may never give me exactly what I wanted. I also know that he knows best and he may give me something far better than I could ever imagine! Until then, I will keep waiting, trusting him day by day with my whole heart!

Heaven is for REAL!

A Tulsa friend had recommended I read a book at the end of the year. She too had experienced miscarriages and had found great comfort in it and thought I might to. The book title is Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. It is about a young boy whose appendix rupture. His condition is undiagnosed by doctors and he becomes critically ill. After he recovers he begins to tell his parents about meeting Jesus and spending time in Heaven. He tells them about a sister he meets while in Heaven (a baby his mom had lost in a miscarriage before he was born). I will be honest and say I was a liitle skeptical about the whole thing. I purchased the book from Amazon and began to read it. I was AMAZED! I couldn't put the book down! I too found great comfort in the book and highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced a loss. The book amazed me over & over. My friend in Tulsa who I had not seen in years could have never known the many similarities between our family and the Burpo family. Todd Burpo is a pastor. Brandon is a pastor (He wasn't when we lived in Tulsa). The Burpo family live in a rural Nebraska town. We live in a
rural Kansas town. The Burpo family live in a farming community. We live in a farming community. The Burpo family has to drive around 70 miles to get to the nearest Wal-Mart. We too have to drive that far to arrive at the nearest Wal-Mart. While these may not seem like big things it was just amazing to me how many things we have in common. I also could totally relate to Todd's wife and her feelings regarding the loss of their baby. I don't want to ruin the book for anyone---but Todd's children on earth look like him. Their son shared how the daughter they lost looked like his mom.I often wonder if my children in Heaven look like me---since our children here look so much like their daddy. I often give Brandon a hard time by saying our children here act just like him and the ones that act like me are the ones with Jesus. lol I did find great comfort in the book and look forward to the day that I will meet Jesus and be reunited with my three other children. I can't recommend this book enough! Thanks Leslie for telling me about it!