I will hold on with ALL of my MIGHT!

If there is anything that I have learned over the past 20 months it is that my priorities can change in an instant. In the days, weeks & months following the loss of Trevor, boy did my focus change! My main priority was to learn EVERYTHING I could about the Lord God who saved me many years ago & who was now taking care of my precious son. The son only HE could give. The son only HE could take. Oh I have been in church all of my life & have read my Bible and had a prayer life for many years but I needed so much more! The next thing is my family. I want to spend every second I can with them realizing now how precious and fleeting those moments truly are! The past few days have once again become a reminder of how fast my priorities can change. After some recent abnormalities I decided (or Brandon convinced me) to pay a visit to my Gyno. Immediately upon exam he knew there was a problem. He sent me for lab (it only took 3 sweet little lab ladies & 7 sticks to get my blood, my veins don't like to share-never have!) and then for ultrasound. The young tech was very sweet & confirmed that the fibroids he suspected were there in full force & she sent us on our way. The doctor told me surgery would need to be done asap and that Brandon & I would have to decide rather or not to preserve my fertility based on the results. He said I might have 3 surgery options (1 would preserve the option of more children but we would have to act fast & I would be a c-setion patient from now on) The other 2 options would mean the end of a hope. The end of my prayers.. The other 2 would mean I would never again sit here and dream of holding a sweet little newborn that I, by the grace of God brought into this world, in my arms. Cuddling them for hours just to smell their sweet little skin. The other 2 options would mean an end to my life as I know it right now. If I had talked to you last night, my priority would have been, let's preserve my fertility for as long as I can. Let's hold on to that hope....at least for a little longer.....Just let me dream.....I want to HOLD ON WITH ALL OF MIGHT! As I said before, priorities can change.....in an instant.

That instant came about 1:30 this afternoon. I received the call I had been waiting for from my doctor. The one where he was going to tell me I have some choices to make (at least that is what I hoped) or he would tell me that I only had the option of the hysterectomy. Either way----I was mentally prepared to be sitting down with Brandon tonight to discuss when/how this surgery was going to happen. The doctor began with going over the fibroids he had found that were confirmed through the ultrasound. He quickly gave me the dimensions of each one and went on to say that by those he was not surprised. The tone in his voice quickly changed as he went on... He started by saying how surprised he was, by something else. Something that the radiologist had spotted & given him a call to discuss. His next few words were all about biopsies, bad cells, masses, microscopes & so on. His words echoed in my ear as he said---we cannot go forward with any surgery until we get this under a microscope. His next words would cut through me to the core of my very being. To preserve your fertility is probably not an option at this point, but YOU need to decide how important that is to you. How important that is to Brandon. We will talk more when I see you in my office for the biopsy And with that, the conversation ended. After the past 20 months since the loss of Trevor I NEVER thought it would come down to a conversation like that. I have always believed God would bless me with 1 more baby and I would happily ease into menopause when the time was right. If there is anything that I have learned over the past 20 months it is that God's plans aren't always my plans. In fact lately it seems they rarely are! But I have also learned that he is the ONE, the ONLY ONE I can trust! He sees the BIG picture, the BIG plan! I am only blessed enough to see a small part of it! As I said before, in the last 24 hours my priorities have changed... "I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting...but will HOLD on to Jesus-----FOR LIFE!" Fertility, just like anything else in this life, is fleeting! We only have it for as long as God allows. It is something we have no control over! But I can HOLD on to Jesus----FOR LIFE!!!

I know many who read this blog are prayer warriors. I don't ask often but Brandon & I covet your prayers at this time. I will go for a biopsy on October 12th. (My doctor leaves for vacation tomorrow & will not return until then) God has already answered so many prayers in this situation. My main prayer & the prayer of my friends going into this were for answers. God answered that prayer....I got answers. My next prayer is still for wisdom for the doctor & his team. Wisdom for Brandon & I. And most of all, I would just like to feel like myself again. A BIG thank you to all of you who care enough to take time out of your busy lives to read my blog full of rambles. I consider you all friends. Good Night!