And Baby makes Six.....

Man that sounds so good! Too bad it is not at all what I had hoped for. Please don't be quick to judge when you read this post. I have been hesitant to even write it for that reason. I also have much guilt as I know that I have so many friends out there who long to have just one child (on earth) and I have been blessed with 3---yes I get that. Yet, I still feel the pain.

Let's start at the beginning. October 21st, just one day after my birthday, I posted a status on facebook stating that I had just received the BEST birthday gift ever. Many of you saw it and questioned me as to what the gift was. I had posted that for my husband who ruined my surprise by not ever seeing the post. The day after my birthday I realized that I was late for the third time in the last year. I decided to take a pregnancy test---this time I only took one AFTER I was late. It was positive. It was the BEST birthday present ever! I immediately fell to my knees on the bathroom floor and thanked God with everything that I had and I begged him to let me keep this baby. Please let this be the one I have the privilege to carry to term and raise. A prayer I have never before prayed nor have I ever seen the need to. I then began to think of a way I could surprise B. Now that I have done it 5 times I have ran out of creative ideas. I went to google--nothing that seemed to fit us. So I decided to type the birthday present status on fb. Surely he would see it and ask what the present was. Nope---never saw it. A week later it was killing me that no one knew. I had to tell him. I was working at the daycare and just sent a text telling him to check my drawer in the bathroom. He immediately sent a text back. Is this from today? Silly guy. Of course it is current, why would I send him to the drawer to find an old test. Anyway, he was thrilled! We agreed not to share our news for a while. Each morning started and my night ended praying that same prayer, "Please Lord, let this be the baby you let me have on earth...". I would beg with all of my heart. About a week later, one afternoon, I was talking with Beth at the daycare and all of sudden had to make a mad dash to the bathroom. I have NEVER been so thrilled to throw-up in all of my life! So I shared my secret with Beth. She was as thrilled as B and I. Aren't good friends---Great!!! Well, within days I began to spot but I didn't loose hope. I just kept praying. The spotting turned to all out bleeding---still hoping and praying. I know my God is a God of miracles. Then last Sunday Morning as I sat in my Sunday School Class, I felt the feeling that I didn't want to feel. I lost our baby at just 6 weeks. Our third baby in 10 Months. We now have as many children waiting for us in Heaven as we have on earth. 6 kids total. Wow! How can this be Lord? How can this be? Again, please don't judge me. I know we all have different doctors and all of our doctors have very different opinions on how long to wait post miscarriage before you try to conceive again. When I lost Trevor in January--I lost a lot of blood. My blood counts were low enough that I was near needing a transfusion. I was in labor to deliver the placenta for well over 2 hours. Then the DNC. It was very hard on my body. The doctor recommended I wait 4 months--I waited almost 6. My miscarriage in August at 8 weeks was much less traumatic on my body. The doctor said that I was safe to try again the next month. He went on to say that at my age it would be to my benefit to try quickly while my hormone levels were elevated. I was hesitant at first but decided to leave it God's hands. I made the decision and here is where I am. I left it all in God's hands. I begged for Him to not take my baby but that was not His plan. I would LOVE to say that I understand. But I don't. I would LOVE to say that I am not heartbroken. But I am. I am crushed. I am wounded. I am hurting. But you know what..God is here. He LOVES me and He has never left my side. For that I am truly thankful! Do I miss my babies? Every day of my life! Those of you who have been on this journey through the joy and sorrow of my 2010. Please pray for me. I need it now more than ever.

" He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." Revelation 21:4-5

Oh what a promise!

Joy & Sorrow

The year 2010 has been a journey of Joy and Sorrow for me. I would LOVE to say it is mostly joy but quite honestly right now it is mostly sorrow with a bit of Joy mixed in here and there. I read this poem this week and it just hit home with me and I decided to share it with you.

Sorrow is one of the things that are lent, not given.
A thing that is lent may be taken away;
a thing that is given is not taken away.
Joy is given:
sorrow is lent.
We are not our own,
we are bought with a price...
(Our sorrow) is lent us for just a little while
that we may use it for eternal purposes.
Then it will be taken away
and everlasting joy will be
our Father's gift to us,
and the Lord God will wipe away
all the tears from our faces.

---Amy Carmichael

I Am Sorry

I haven't written in a while. It has been a very busy time for us. I have decided busy is good in so many ways. With the challenges we have faced in our 2010, these last few weeks of busy have kept me from thinking too much. I have also felt convicted in recent days and feel as though I owe an apology to some of my past ministers. I was raised in a family that held our pastor in high esteem. He was always Loved and respected. I never remember hearing any of my family members criticize or judge our pastor or his wife. I grew up with the belief that we should always love and respect our pastor. I have recently realized that I have never told Bro Hancock and his family, Bro Brett and his family and Bro Steven and his family how much I love them and appreciate the sacrifices that they have made. I have always loved and appreciated these three families and they have all had an impact on my life. I just never thought to tell them at the time. I assumed everyone else loved and appreciated them as much as I did and that they probably heard it all of the time. I realize now, that may not have been the case and that sometimes the negative voices can be way louder than the loving ones. I just want to say thank you to them for their LOVE for the Lord and thank you for the sacrifices they make each day to follow God. I only regret not telling you at the time.

God chose Me

About three weeks ago a local theater had a one time showing of "Letters to God". Samantha & I had taken Nana to see it back in April when we visited for Sammy's b-day. This time Brandon, Sammy, Kailey and some friends and I went to see it. There is a line in that movie that brought great comfort to me back in April when I was still hard in the midst of grief. It brought great comfort to me again three weeks ago when I was in celebration of a new little life growing inside me. Tyler a young boy in the final stages of cancer--tells his mom...."God chose you to be my mom". If my babies were here and could speak I know they too would say "God chose you to be our mom". He did. He chose me. Why? I may never know while here on earth. But I was chosen by God-----I see that only as a privilege. I see myself only as a willing servant---here to do whatever God may call me to do. Is that always joyful? No, it really isn't---right now it's quite painful. But God is here---he knows my pain and he LOVES me. He will carry me through. And sometimes the joy doesn't come---until the morning. Boy, do I want to be there for that morning. I want to see the joy that comes from all the pain.

".....Weeping may endure for a night, But JOY comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5

An Improper Good Bye

This time is so much harder. As much fear as I had going into this pregnancy I never believed in my heart that God would actually take two babies from me. I really didn't. Yet, here I am. Right in a place I never expected to be. Not because I am some Super Christian who does everything right everyday. No, nothing even close to that. Because God knows me, he knows me through and through. He most certainly knows just how weak I am. He also knows my need to be in control of things personality. With Trevor, I delivered a baby. Yes, he was tiny but perfect in every other way. Brenda (the sweetest, most caring nurse that I have ever met) gave Trevor a bath and wrapped him in the tiniest of blankets and brought him back to Brandon and I to hold. I was able to hold him and rock him and tell him just how much he was loved. (Oh I know he was already with Jesus) This was all for me, it was what I needed to get through it. We were able to place him in the smallest of wood boxes and bury him at the cemetary close by so I can go out visit to him anytime I need. Again, all for me but God knew I needed that. I have a few photos, a blanket, a footprint, things that all represent his short 17 week life. They are just things---but somehow when I am having a rough day---those things bring great comfort to me. This time is more challenging. There was no actual baby to hold----at least not one my human eyes could recognize. There were no bathes or blankets. Not even a spot at the cemetary. I have no photos, blankets, foot prints, etc. I don't even know if it was a boy or girl. I knew about this sweet baby just days after conception---truly the earliest I have ever known I was pregnant. Yet, now I have nothing to represent such a sweet, short life. I am really struggling with this. I long for something tangible to say good by too. I long for the closure that only God can give.

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28

My Broken Heart

Man.....what a year. If on December 31st you would have told me that I would loose 2 children in 2010, I would have thought you were crazy. I have been blessed 3 times with 3 truly uneventful pregnancies resulting in 3 completely healthy children and for that I am truly thankful. I NEVER realized until 2010 how significant that is. I NEVER realized just how fragile life is until 2010. I am now a mother of 5 precious children. I can't even believe that. I saw a mom with her 6 children in the grocery store today and thought wow she has a Big family. Then I realized our cart was missing two of our helpers or we would have almost that many. Wow. If on January 4, 2010 (the day our son Trevor went to be with Jesus) you would have said, Stacy in 7 months and two weeks you will have another baby join Trevor and Jesus, again I would have thought you to be crazy. Yet, here I am in the midst of my heartbreak with two children in the arms of Jesus. Yes, it took me 6 months before I could even begin to consider another baby. Not because I don't long for just one more baby but because of the fear of the heartbreak I now face. God did answer my prayer though. I conceived very quickly and I have (or had) the 17 tests to prove it. lol (Not all of them positive---because of course I began testing way too early) But many were positive. Earlypregnancytests.com has great prices on cheap, accurate pregnancy tests for anyone else out there who is crazy like me. I know God is faithful and I know He still has a plan for us. I know he can carry me through. I just pray that someday he will allow us to have one more baby to hold and to Love. I also pray that I never take for granted the significance of Life. It is a precious thing that only God can give. May I NEVER take any of my children for granted.

Psalm 23........Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For YOU are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

FEAR

Dear God:

 I come to you with the heaviest of hearts. I don't even know what to say except I am hurting. I know you don't want us to live in fear but I am living there now. I have been there for 2 and half months now. I know you know my heart, I know you know. It started with the fear that I wouldn't be able to have any more children. After all, we both know I am not getting any younger. WOW! After 16 (yes 16) pregnancy tests you whooped that fear! Pregnant the very first month---at my age----only you could do that God! I have read all of the online stats. I had only a 55% chance of getting pregnant in 12 months---you did it in ONE! Thank you Lord! You would think that I could trust you then---but oh no! I still had to live in fear. Then came the fear of not being sick! I'm pregnant I should feel sick----right? So I try to control things by taking yet another #17 pregnancy test two weeks later and yes the line was still positive yet not as dark as the original lines. So what sets in----FEAR. So I call the doctor who orders blood work which shows my progesterone to be low. I begin taking the progesterone----my fear just remains. Oh and then there are the Prenatal Vitamins that I purchased online. I read every review out there and bought the top rated Prenatal in an effort to fix things myself----why?------FEAR! I don't want to live this way Lord. I trust you with everything else. I trust you with my 3 children on earth. I trust you with their precious lives each & every day. Why can't I trust you with this little life? After all who could love that sweet baby more than me? Only you God, Only you! You knit that baby together in my womb Lord---you did! Last Friday after dinner I began to spot Lord. You know what happened next, I was scared-----more Fear. I rested and prayed. The verse I have taught my children from preschool went through my mind over & over. "When I am afraid I will trust you". I want to trust you Lord, I really do! The spotting stopped. Monday night---it happened again. Tuesday night went to bed with a little bit of cramping---Wednesday morning woke up with blood everywhere. How can this be? God---you know I have prayed and prayed and prayed for this child. I LOVED this child long before he/she was conceived. I was scared to death to even try to conceive again. Who can go through that kind of loss---not just once but twice. I knew in my heart I COULDN'T. That pain is impossible for anyone to bear. Today is Friday. I would LOVE to say that I am no longer bleeding and have NO FEAR. But I can't. Unfortunately I think I have as much fear as I did 2 and half months ago when I was shaking taking that first pregnancy test. I am scared to death of what lies ahead of me this morning. I know I shouldn't be. I know your WORD tells me that you are walking there before me. You know what is coming and you can/will carry me through. God I am sorry but I am still being selfish. I am still praying for a miracle. I am still praying that somewhere in there beyond all of the blood, tissue etc that I have lost. There is a baby. There is a baby with a strong heartbeat. There is a baby just waiting to be born. There is a baby just waiting to do great things for you! There is a baby that I can't wait to tell all about you! A miracle baby that has a story that I can't wait to share with everyone I know! A miracle only YOU could give. Lord, I am begging please remove all of my doubts and fear, please help me to trust you in all things especially this one. I LOVE you so much.

Your daughter.

Save the Date!

       Save the Date:

Friday Evening & Saturday Morning

September 10 & 11th

Women's Conference

Laverne, OK

"The Journey"

Speaker:  Jen Hatmaker

http://www.jenhatmaker.com/

Praise & Worship

Fellowship & Blessings

$30.00 per lady

High School Girls may come for free

Scholarships are available.

I am so excited that an event this big is coming so close to Comanche County. I hope some of you can join me. I visited Jen's website and I think this will be an excellent opportunity to hear from a woman of God.

Girls Bible Study: Details, Details

The Girls Bible Study will have the kick-off slumber party Friday July 30th at 320 W Main-Protection (HOP Day Care) at 7:00 PM. I will give the girls their books that night and we will have a fun night of fellowship, snacks (and hopefully a little bit of sleep). I am still working on an afternoon for us to meet that won't conflict with 4-H or sports (any suggestions would be appreciated). I would like to meet once a week for about 1 hour. The study should last 5-6 weeks. I thought if we could meet right after school that would help the Coldwater girls (since they would already be in Protection) and then I would be happy to give them rides home.

The name of the study is Between Us Girls-Fun talk about faith, friends & family by Vicki Courtney. The study is designed for girls ages 8-12 and is divided into 5 Chapters. Week 1: Me, Myself & I, Week 2: Faith, Week 3: The B-I-B-L-E, Week 4: Friends, Family & Others & Week 5: Just For Fun. We will meet once a week to discuss what the girls have learned in the prior week studies and to help answer any questions that each of us may have. My prayer is that the girls will build stronger friendships while learning more about God's word in a fun way. I will be happy to let any mom who is interested in looking through the study ahead of time do so, please ask. Any questions? Please feel free to ask. I am super excited & ready to get started!

Girls Bible Study: You can’t protect me…

You can’t protect me…

Girls Bible Study

Wow! My life has been moving at warp speed! I am so thankful to have Brandon home and I still have so much to write about. I have been so busy living life that I have not had any time to blog it. I will catch things up as time allows.

I want to share something that happened to me back in April. Samantha & I attended a "You & Your Girl" by Vicki Courtney Conference in the Dallas Area. She & I took the trip to celebrate her 11th birthday. The conference was actually on her birthday. As we enter her tween years there have been many times when I am just at a loss. I went hoping to gain wisdom and to build on my relationship with her. What happened while I was there was so unexpected that it has taken me until June to share it with anyone except Brandon. This was the biggest conference they had ever done with over 1,800 mothers & daughters there. The girls went to several break-out sessions (they were divided up according to school grade) while the moms stayed together. It was an incredible day and I would HIGHLY recommend it to any Mom to a daughter. Anyway, during the second break-out session, they showed a video clip-I will post it to my blog. Tears streamed down my face and I felt a tug at my heart as I realized that I do not know of any strong Bible Study Group for girls in our area. As I realized all the things they are faced with daily my heart broke. At the end of the session, I looked around as all of the daughters (approx 900) re-entered the room. I was hit again. I then began to think about the girls in Comanche Co. Kansas: my daughter, her friends. Again, more tears. I had to quick wipe my face as I saw Samantha headed my direction. For I know how easily I embarrass her these days. She would be mortified if she came back to me crying in that big group of people. In my heart, I could feel God calling me to start a Bible Study for girls in our area. This is totally not me, so in my mind I was saying maybe someone else will do it! Soon, it was time for our lunch break. Samantha & I decided to stay on campus where they had brought in Chick fila. We ate our yummy lunch and then headed to the conference book store. I could not believe the very first book I went to:   "How to start a Girl's Ministry in Your Area". God has such a sense of humor. What could I do? I had to buy it. We finished the conference. When we returned home, I shared what had happened and asked B to pray for God's guidance. He was super excited about it. Since that time, I went to Kids Camp and not only survived but LOVED it! After much prayer, I have decided to start a Girls Bible Study. We will be doing a study by Vicki Courtney called: Between Us Girls-Fun Talk about Faith, Friends & Family. This study is for any girl in fourth-sixth grade who wants to have fun while learning more about the Bible. I hope to kick it off in August with a sleepover. If you are reading this and are in the area, please e-mail me if you/your daughter are interested and I will provide as many details as I have at this point. I am so excited! I am looking forward to what God has in store for the girls as well as myself.

Journey to June: Is daddy at Aunt Sue's house?

 Brandon, Sammy & I returned from camp on Friday June 11th. After several loads of laundry, several power outages, a video, a Sunday Morning Church Service (one of the best I have ever been a part of) and lunch we were on the road to Texas-----Waxahachie, Texas to be exact where our 2 little ones had spent the week with Nana. It was now June 13th. We arrived late that night. K was extremly excited to see us! T gave us the cold shoulder for awhile but finally gave us hugs & kisses. Monday morning found us up early. We had b-fast with Nana and then on the road again to Tulsa. The kids learned many new things at Nana's one of their favorite being a new song. We heard the "Eyes of Texas are upon us" loudly for many, many miles. When I informed Nana she was quite proud. This proved to be somewhat of a hard trip for me. The last time we had traveled this Highway was on Christmas Eve. Trevor was still with us and I was still so excited about what 2010 would bring. Now, almost 6 months later so much has changed but it still seemed like only yesterday. We were riding down that exact highway (headed for the blizzard of 2010) with Trevor in tow in his mommy's belly (just how it should be). As we passed the various landmarks, memories of that day flooded my mind. Sometimes I wish my memory were not so good or that I wasn't so sentimental. At one point tears streamed down my face, I quickly looked out the window in hopes that no one would notice. Hours later we arrived at our destination----Aunt Sue's house (as my kids call it). Uncle Brett does live there too! The next morning June 15th found us up early again. We did some last minute shopping with daddy. We took him back to Aunt Sue's house and said our goodbyes. The kids and I were trying to make it back to Bucklin, KS so K could play in her t-ball game that night. As we drove away, I was deep in thought about what the next 2 weeks might hold. I was praying again for safety for B and the team. A few minutes had passed when I realized there were sobs in the van. Sobs that were not mine, they were coming from the middle seat. As I looked back, Kailey just bursts into tears, "I want daddy", she proclaimed! It was at that moment I realized she probably didn't remember Brandon's last mission trip. He went to Africa in June of 2007 when she was only 2 and T was just 3 months old. Sammy has been through several mission trips now and she was doing ok, T still didn't realize exactly what was happening.  I told her I wanted daddy too but God needed daddy right now, God needed daddy to go far away and tell people that Jesus loves them and we needed to pray that God would keep him safe. So we did and she felt better. That night the questions from T began: "Is daddy at Aunt Sue's house?" I said yes, but tomorrow he will be leaving on an airplane. T said "Why?" To which I answered, he will be going far, far away to tell people that Jesus loves them. He said ok, Less than 2 minutes later. T asked: "Is daddy at aunt Sue's?" Again, I go through the most simple of explanantions I can. He responds with ok. Not 2 minutes later he asks the same question again. Boy, is this going to be a LONG 2 weeks.

Twisted by JESUS at OneTrueMedia.com

This is the video from our week at camp. Again, I am so thankful that God allowed me to be a part of it. I LOVE these kids and am now not so scared of kids over age 6. lol.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Journey to June: Twisted by Jesus

If on January 1st 2010 you would have told me that in June I would be taking a group of kids to camp, I would have thought you to be crazy! Number 1, my plan was to be having a baby in June not sweating at kids camp. Number 2, kids over age 6 scare me-lol-no I am serious God has wired me to be quite comfortable with children 5 & under. Well, guess what, sometimes God calls us out of our comfort zones. You know what happens when you go, he meets you there and that is just what happened. I guess it was about March when B received the info on kids camp. Lora W. had been as a CSM (Cross Seekers Missionary) in prior years, her sister, now old enough to attend as a camper wanted to go too. I thought to myself that could be fun (but way out of my cz) and decided to go. I knew S would want to go and we gave her the ok to invite friends. Fast forward to June. One rented green van, 7 excited kids, insufficient directions from Mapquest and away we went. What an incredible week! So much time spent in prayer and with our focus on the One who truly matters. No ipods, computers, tv or any of the other distractions that occupy so much of our time. On Tuesday night during the first invitation of the week, three of the kids in our group gave their lives to Christ. What an incredible night to be a part of! We were all so excited! Tears of joy all around! Late that night as I laid in bed, I realized had I been 9 months prego I would not have been at camp. I would not have been a part of that night. I thanked God for allowing me to be there. What an Awesome experience, what a blessing! I still get excited thinking about it! The rest of the week was wonderful! We could not have asked for a better group of kids to take to camp. Now, I don't ever want to miss Kids Camp Again. I am hooked! I have been Twisted by Jesus!

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord....." Jeremiah 29:11

The "Poo" in Pool

I think T is scarred for life or at least the time being. Wednesday evening found us at K's t-ball party at the Protection Pool. Every speck of dirt was bothersome as it could be poo.

Yesterday after K's t-ball tournament in Greensberg, the kids & I headed to Pratt. We ate lunch and then visited a pool there. We were swimming and having a great time. Then T began to move as fast as he could to me, shear panic covered his face. There's poo poo he loudly proclaimed! I looked to see a Snickers Candy Wrapper floating by----not the candy bar (which I would have understood the concern)-----just the wrapper. After I completely freaked the child out by picking it up and taking it to the trash, he was swimming nervously again. Looking twice at every speck of dirt, leaf, etc. just in case. Our days at the Poo, I mean pool will never be the same. Happy Swimming all!

Journey to June: The Baby Showers

The beginning of June meant the beginning of baby season for my extended family. My sister is expecting her first baby in August, My cousin & his wife are expecting their third baby in August within days of my sister & another cousin & his wife are expecting their third baby in October. We had planned on 4 new babies to celebrate Christmas this year. June marked the beginning of the baby showers. Two showers for the babies due in August were planned for June 5th & June 6th so my Nana from Texas would be able to attend both. I was a little concerned as I prepared for that weekend. I was only going to be able to attend my sister's shower since the other would be on Sunday but needed to shop for both. I always LOVE shopping for new babies. I am so excited about my new niece and my two new little cousins to be (both boys)! Yet there were moments when I was still sad for me. I talked to God about it often and I think that I am able to be happy for them and sad for me all at the same time and HE understands. After all, HE gave up his one & only son to die for us. If anyone understands the pain of loosing a child HE surely does! Anyway, as the day of the shower approached I was really nervous about my emotions. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I did not want the pain of my loss there that day. I did not want anything to be in the way of my sister having a wonderful shower. Again, I prayed and prayed. As I was getting ready that morning I was approached by a family member. She too has lost two precious children so I know she understands my pain. I will NEVER forget the kind words she spoke. She said: "before this day gets started I want you to know I have been praying for you". As we made eye contact, that was all she needed to say. I walked away and a HUGE burden was lifted. I knew I was going to be ok. I was going to make it through and I did. We had a wonderful day with family and friends. My sister had an incredible shower. Little Shelby is so blessed to have her for a mommy. And of course she has the best Aunt ever! lol. I am so thankful for the prayers of so many.

Evening and morning, and at noon, I will pray and cry aloud; and He shall hear my voice. Psalm 55:17

Dinner with "Kurb"

The kids & I have been so busy since daddy has been gone. It has surely helped the time pass a little quicker. This past Monday we were invited to be guests for a dinner at a friend's home. The kids & I were really looking forward to spending time there. We had a wonderful meal and then were invited to tour the farm. My city kids (still adjusting to country life) loved every minute. T loved all of the animals except their dog. lol. In fact, he got in the pig pen where he would have loved to stay the rest of the evening because he knew the dog was on the outside of the pen. He quickly bonded with "Kurb" (not his real name but the name T gave him). He knew Kurb would keep him safe from the dog. I loved being around this family and seeing the animals they care for each day. What a learning experience! Kurb was at work most of the time we were there. He cared for animals, then he & T picked tomatoes in the garden. I have a greater appreciation and respect for the farm families in our community and the sacrifices they make each day. As the men work from sun-up to sun-down, their wives are also busy taking care of their children and homes. What a wonderful evening we had! What a wonderful learning experience for my kids and I. T can't wait to tell daddy about Kurb, his wife and all of their animals. Thanks for a wonderful evening!

A Tale of Two T's

Raising T is an adventure everyday, everywhere we go. As I sit here typing, he just ran in completely nude. Anyway, for those of you who read about our day at "the beach". I told you that there were a group of mommies who were glad to see us leave the kiddie pool. My concern of him still being fearful of the water was quickly replaced by my concern of the well-being of the other children in the water with him. I have NEVER wanted to be the mom of THAT kid. The bully kid. However, all too often with T, I have been that mom. He will take down the biggest of kids. I don't understand it! Why won't they stand up to him? He is 3 years old and weighs in at all of 23lbs soaking wet. He fell off the growth chart months ago. Brandon & I often joke that he is the chihuahua taking down the dobermans. Anyway, the kiddie pool had a "steering wheel" it controlled a big sprinkler. And guess who wanted to control it at all times? Anyone who even looked at it was taken down in the water immediately. He had taken down several boys before I realized what all the moms were looking at. I was completely mortified (remember this is before the chair incident) as I had to remove my screaming bully son from the steering wheel. I had to pry his little fingers off one by one as he flailed like a fish out of water. As we walked away I could see relief on many faces.

Just minutes later in the big pool. T sits on the side and sings the B-I-B-L-E yes that's the book for me. Over & over. To any passers by he politely says hi & Jesus loves you. He introduces himself to people & asks them their names. He befriends a girl his age. He hugs her and is as gentle as I have ever seen him be. Her mom goes on and on about his gentle nature and how polite he is. I just kept thinking about the kiddie pool. If she could have only seen. Although, I was glad she didn't.
I am trying hard to understand my son. I think God shows me glimpses of his gentle side to help me forget the chihuahua side. I am just amazed how he can go from one extreme to another in an instant. I pray continually for wisdom to raise him to be the Godly man that God wants him to be. I just pray I will still have my sanity when he gets there.

A Day at the Beach: Woodward Style

Saturday morning the kids woke up really missing daddy. I decided that it would be a good day to get out of Protection for a little while. I decided on a whim (not like me) to take the kids to Crystal Beach Water Park in Woodward. I told the kiddos to get their swimsuits on we were going for a ride. After the cheers subsided I looked up to see three smiling faces in their swimsuits with towels in hand. After a quick stop at Don's for donuts and a few chores at the daycare we were on the road. We arrived at Crystal Beach around noon. It wasn't too crowded. We went on in. Last year T was afraid of the water. This year we have already been playing in the sprinkler & small pool at home & he has loved it. When we walked in, he immediately insisted I hold him for he was afraid he might fall in. I showed him that there was plenty of sidewalk everywhere for us to walk on and he could hold my hand and I would make sure he did not fall in. He was good with that. He immediately went for my left hand (the one away from any water), he grasped it tightly and away we went. I told the girls we would start in the kiddie area so T could get used to things. We went over & found a place to sit our things. K was quick to get in the water. S asked if she could go over & check out the water slide. So she was on her way. T walked around the outside of the pool for a few moments checking everything out. I got in and encouraged him to do the same. He did and it wasn't long before he was sliding down the slide. Boy, was I relieved-could have been a long day otherwise. The two of them were having so much fun. S came back and she was loving the big slides. We decided to venture over to the medium slides & sprinkler area. T was reluctant at first, he was loving the kiddie pool. I know some mommies were very glad to see him go I will share that story at another time. Anyway, we made it over to the deeper water. We were all having a great time. Almost 3 hours had passed. All of a sudden every life guard in the place was blowing their whistle & yelling for everyone to get out of the pools. I grabbed my kids and we got out & stood nearby. T was screaming he wasn't ready to get out. I explained that none of us wanted to get out but the life guards told us to and we needed to obey the rules that the life guards tell us. I told him to listen for all of their whistles & he did. There was chaos all around us. A nearby dad told his family that someone was missing and they were looking for them. My heart sank. My mind raced back to my PICU days. For I had seen, far too often the result of a missing child near water. I remembered that sweet 10 year old, flown to us one Friday evening via Life Flight. Her & her family had been enjoying a wonderful day at a Water Park in Enid when she went missing. She was found at the bottom of a pool. About 3am on that Saturday morning there in our PICU, her blood pressure dropped & her little heart beat it's last time. I will never forget the screams from her family coming from that room. What started as a wonderful day, ended in a nightmare! I held my 3 kids closer. I wondered what I should do. Should I take my 3 kids and leave? I did not want to be there to see them pull a lifeless body from the bottom of a pool. I sure did not want my kids to see that. I began to pray. I prayed as hard as I could for a miracle to happen. As I looked around the whole water park had become quiet. eerily quiet. The staff had turned off all of the sprinkler systems, pumps etc. I hear a young boy yelling at his mom. "I didn't do it." At this point I realize that we seem to be surrounded by life guards. They are all focused on an area under the medium size slides. I become concerned that there might be a small child trapped underneath. There were nets all around it. Then I see what the life guards are looking at. There just down from the sprinkler area, someone had done number 2 all in the pool. There were several piles. This was just inches away from where my children were swimming before the whistles were blown. And no, it wasn't one of my children. When my kids & I realized what had happened we were just grossed completely out, we couldn't believe it. The manager came out all gloved up and picked it all up and put it in a big bucket. She left & immediately returned with chemicals. The life guards quickly informed us that it would be at least 2 hours before anyone would be allowed back in the water. As the people were all rushing to leave, the kids & I went & sat down. I needed to decide what we were going to do. I knew if we left with that big crowd, we would just be sitting in traffic anyway. So we decided to get a snack at the snack bar. The kiddie pool was still open (it was not attached to the others). But it was crazy. The big kids were going wild over there now. So we decided to take a break on the beach chairs.  We all laid down on the chairs and the questions began. A nice family of 3 had entered the park after "the incident". They had been told what had happened and were waiting like we were. They were a couple probably in their late forties. They had a 10 year old son. Both mom & dad quickly pulled out their books & sat on their beach chairs & read. Their son was quietly watching the life guards every move. Meanwhile, my 2 youngest asked question after question about the poo. The questions went on & on. Oh how I envied the quiet family next to me. T was in constant motion and I was worn out trying to keep up with his locale. It wasn't long before K needed a bathroom. S got up to take her. While they were gone, T decided he needed his googles aka goggles. Anyway, I noticed that they were underneath the beach chair S had been sitting on. As I pointed them out to him, I had shifted my weight too much toward the top of the chair and up I went. I had been in a laying postion. Now, I was standing on my head still in the beach chair, my legs completely in the air. I began to crack up, I couldn't quite figure out how I was going to get myself out of this situation. T is yelling at me. Momma whatcha doing? over & over. I am afraid to look over at the prim & proper family but I do. I see the man look away from his book from behind his sunglasses. He notices me just as we make eye contact but is quick to look away. I then decided to do a backwards somersault out of the chair at which point I look up at a life guard (about age 16) with his hand out saying mam do you need some assistance. I tell him I am fine and thank you. He tries to make me feel better by telling me that it happens all the time. By the time the girls get back, I am in tears laughing at myself. I try to tell S and she cracks up too. We spent the rest of our time waiting & laughing. S wished daddy could have been there to see it. I wished he were too because I knew he would have got me out of my mess before my swimsuit skirt was completely over my head. They tested the water periodically & 2 hours later, the whistles were blown once again telling everyone the water was safe to get back in. I was still a little leery of that spot so we went over by the big slides to swim and we watched S come down over & over & over again. It was a great day. One none of us will soon forget.

"This is the day which the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

A Day at the Beach: Woodward Style

Father's Day

I think out of all of the things we celebrate Father's Day was the hardest for me for many years. It's the one holiday that always reminded me of the one thing that I did not have. My Dad. My dad left when I was an infant. As a child I had no memories of him. From a very early age I was invited to my paternal grandparents home a couple of times a year. While there I often saw a man. He rarely spoke to me and it wasn't until I was about 9 that I even knew that he was my dad. Once I knew who he was I wanted to spend time with him. Unfortunately he didn't want the same thing that I did. Many of my very Best friends were daddies girls. I wanted what they had with their dads more than anything. Unfortunately I never got that from my earthly dad. As I grew I learned to rely more and more on my Heavenly dad. He will never reject me and I can always be his girl. I cannot say that the pain is gone for there are many tears as I write this. There are many things I may never understand about my earthly father. He lives in Texas and I have not heard from him in over 9 years. I continue to pray for him often as I do still have hope that he will one day have the desire to meet my children, his grand-children. I have also learned to accept that if that never happens, it was by his choice, not mine. I do still love him with all my heart & acknowledge him as my dad every year on Father's Day. I am so thankful that God has blessed my kids with the best daddy ever. I am thankful every day that they will never have the pain of not knowing their dad. We all tell him all the time that he is the best daddy ever! Happy Father's Day Brandon. We love you!

Journey to June: One Day at a Time

Well, June came in a blur as I knew it would. I blinked and the month is more than half over. I believe this is all part of God's plan to get me through it. From baby showers, to kids camp, to Texas, to Tulsa, to saying good by to Brandon, to Kansas, to ball games, to daycare and everything in between. I have so many stories to share and I will try to get some of them on here this week. Being a single mom is no easy task and I truly admire those who are out there living it every day. I am thankful I am normally not one of them. For those who have wondered I am making it. One day at time with the help of my sweet Jesus. He carries me through when I cannot go it alone. I thank you all again for your many prayers for me & my family. They are felt & appreciated more than you may ever know. Love you all.

Memorial Day Weekend Twenty Ten

Amazing what can happen in a year! Last Memorial Day I would have NEVER dreamed that I would be visiting my son in a cemetary this year. Sometimes it just doesn't even seem possible. Then I go out there and see that name, his name and I realize that nightmare really did happen to our family. I can't honestly say that I was looking forward to this weekend because quite frankly I wasn't. All in all it was a very good weekend though. We had a small yard sale on Saturday morning. It went quite well. On Sunday after lunch Brandon, Kailey, Trenton & I headed out to the cemetary to put out some new flowers for Trevor. Samantha had fever and wasn't feeling well so she decided to stay home. When we got to the cemetary, everything looked beautiful. So many people had decorated their loved ones gravesides, it was just breathtaking. When we pulled up to Trevor's spot, we noticed some additional flowers had been placed there. We walked over and Kailey noticed their were little cards attached to the flowers. They were from Sidney & Avery, two young boys in our community. They are from a great family who we have grown to Love so much. It brought tears to my eyes that they had thought of us and remembered our little Trevor. We have a statue by Trevor's grave marker of Jesus hands holding an infant. Trenton said "look mama thats baby Trevor". Kailey was quick to say "no it's not Trevor is down there under the dirt". So the argument began. Back & forth. We explained again that Trevor is with Jesus and yes his little body was buried there and yes that statue does represent Trevor being in God's hands. So Brandon told Kailey if Trenton wanted to say that the statue was Trevor that was ok. She reluctantly agreed and they began looking at all of the beautiful flowers. We spent the rest of the day at home resting and playing together. We ended the day by watching The Lion King on DVD. K & T had never seen it. T fell asleep about halfway through but the rest of us enjoyed it. We started today with breakfast at Don's. We then headed to the cemetary for the Memorial Day Service. I had never been to one before, it was quite moving. Then we headed to Kailey's t-ball practice. They are so much fun to watch! Then we headed back home where we enjoyed a peaceful day as a family. We did alot of work to prepare for the busy month ahead. I can't believe tomorrow will be the first day of June! All in all it was a great weekend & I love my life in small town Kansas. I truly am a small town girl at heart.

Journey to June: Marked by Love

After I lost Trevor I really wanted a piece of jewelry to wear with his name on it so he could be close to my heart whenever I wanted. I searched & searched online. Finally I saw this piece designed by Lisa Leonard and I fell in LOVE with it. She created it in honor of Angie Smith whose baby Audrey Caroline died just 2 hours after her birth. The necklace is called Marked by Love. Some lives, though short, profoundly change the world and leave a mark on our hearts. Moms who have lost a child know their hearts are forever marked by love. I absolutely love the necklace. It has some weight to it which reminds me that my little Trevor has weight in this world. His short life matters. The material it is made of warms up when it is next to my skin. I feel it and I am reminded of him. I LOVE my necklace and just wanted to share it with you.

Letter to Trevor

Dear Trevor:

 I have so much to tell you that I never got to say. Not a day goes by that you don't come to my mind. Not a day goes by when I don't miss you. You are talked about ALOT in our home. Anytime we talk about our family, your big sister Kailey is always quick to remind me that you are still in our family only you live with Jesus now. She still has a chair for you at our dining table. She always reminds me that is where you would have sat if you would have been able to stay with us. Trenton talks about you too. Anytime he sees a picture of Jesus, he tells me that Trevor is with Jesus. And anytime he sees a picture of Jesus with a baby or child, He always says that is Trevor with Jesus. We miss you so much. I miss looking down at my belly and knowing you were there. Sometimes I feel as though I carry an empty tomb with me everywhere I go. I just can't escape it. I miss those sweet little kicks I felt late at night. I know by now they would be much stronger. I miss not being able to prepare a room for you. We took down the crib in your big brothers room last week. I cried after we put it away. I know you would have been sleeping in it real soon. I miss the excitement I should be feeling right now in anticipation of your birth. I was looking so forward to the month of June. Now most days, I just dread it. I miss the loss of sleep I should be having now. I should be losing sleep from the discomfort of you being so big in my tummy. Instead I loose sleep as I lay and wonder how I will make it through my due date without you. I miss the heartburn I would be complaining about. I have 2 full bottles of Tums that would have been long gone by now. I already miss not having a new baby boy to hold in a couple of weeks. I miss not being able to show you off to all my family and friends. I know how much you would have been loved here! I already miss those hours I would have spent just holding you and rocking you. I miss all the time I would have spent nursing you those first 12 months of your life.I miss those sweet slobbery kisses I know you would have given me. I miss those sweet little chubby cheeks I know you would have had. I miss that sweet baby smell after a bath. That is one of the closest things to heaven that I have known on earth. I know you would have been my little man just like your big brother. I miss you. I wanted to be your mommy more than you could ever know. I know in my heart that you have a far better life than daddy or I could have ever given you. I know you are in a much better place. Through my sorrow I take comfort in knowing you are with Jesus. As much as I know I LOVE you, he loves you even more. I know he will take good care of you until we can meet again. I look forward to that day. Good night baby boy. I love you.

Love,
Mommy

The Struggle

This is a poem that God gave me to share with our church last Mother's Day. I know some of the special women who read my blog struggle daily with the heartache of infertility. I have been there. I pray for you often. I have shared that I love to read poetry, I also love to write it. I have wrote several throughout the years and plan to share them with you as I feel lead. My poetry is not professional in any way. I write like I speak, so it is very disorganized and random. But I pray my message is clear. As I wrote this poem I couldn't help but think of Hannah. She is one of my all time favorite heroines of the Bible. I LOVE her story.

Have you ever wanted something with all of your heart?

The desire was there from the very start.

Have you ever wanted something so much bigger than you?

So you pray & you pray-what else can you do?

Have you ever had a longing so deep & so strong

My friends all have babies-what have I done wrong?

So many things in my life, I can control on my own!

But this one is different, I can’t and I feel all alone!

Our friends are all saying you need to have a family

What are you waiting for-most of them have 2 or 3?

So alone in my despair I sit and I ask

Please Lord tell me why-am I not up to the task?

Everyday on my journey-I notice expecting ladies

Do they realize the special gift that they have received in those babies?

They are a precious Gift from God and no other

Only He can decide when we become a Mother

Many of us may have waited to be a Mother for years

Our prayers were so Many as were our tears

But our God is loving and we can have no fear

Because He is there right with us every time we shed a tear

He loves us all more than we will ever know!

That is hard to imagine but the Bible tells us so

As Mothers we love our children with all of heart

But God loves them even more and that’s the Best part

So pray for your children each & every day

Then point them toward God all along the way

For each of their lives He has a plan

Pray they will seek Him every chance they can

Pray for your children even if they are grown.

They still need Him, none of us can do it alone!

God will provide though his timing is not always ours

You can put your trust in him just look at the birds & the flowers

God has given me this rhyme to share with you today

And to wish all of you Moms a Happy Mother’s Day

I shared my testimony and struggle with infertility in the entry prior to this one. My struggle of 2 plus years seemed like an eternity at that time. I know some of you have been on that journey much longer and probably have alot more wisdom than I do. I also know that at that time it was the hardest thing that I had ever gone through. In 2003 I had no idea the heartache I would face in 2010. An easy conception that ended in tragedy. I know some of you that have faced infertility have also then faced the loss of that child. The loss of that very child that you prayed & prayed & prayed for. That baby that you LOVED so much. I would LOVE to tell you that I have an answer for that. I DON'T. I am so sorry for your loss though. I have struggled with guilt as I have prayed for you. I have 3 children on earth to LOVE and raise, I know some of you that don't have any-YET. But I know God LOVES you and he has a plan for you. My prayer is that you won't loose HOPE. Please don't give up on God, he WON'T give up on you.

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of him." 1 Samuel 1:27

 

The Baby Sister

Last year on Mother's Day God laid it on my heart to share a testimony with our new church. We had only been here 9 months and there was still so much our church didn't know about our little family. There was a time between Samantha & Kailey when Brandon & I struggled with infertility. I was even told that I probably would NEVER have another child. Praise God that he is BIGGER than any doctor! Anyway, since I have so many new blog friends I have felt led to share a little more of our story with  you. I appologize for the way this is written. I copied & pasted the original doc. Since I was reading this that morning to our congregation it is not well edited. I wrote it just as I wanted to say it. I pray it will be blessing to someone.

Many of you don’t know but when Samantha was around 3 years old Brandon & I had decided we were ready to have another baby. After about 2 years of waiting many prayers & lots of tears. I decided to go to the doctor to find out what was wrong? Of course I really thought Brandon should go first because it had to be something wrong with him-not me!! Not really-I knew (and many of you are learning about Brandon & doctors) he wouldn’t go-so I went. I went through MANY very uncomfortable tests and we waited and waited. In the meantime Samantha not knowing anything about what her daddy & I were going through had started asking for a Baby Sister. Not just once-but everyday! And then it got to be more often-several times a day. I was really hurting inside because I too wanted a baby more than anything. Finally one night I told her-if you really want a baby sister you need to pray & ask God. So before she went to bed in the sweetest, simple prayer she prayed & asked God for a Baby Sister. I went to bed thinking-yes why didn’t I think of this sooner-problem solved-now she will quit asking me about a baby sister every few minutes! The next morning-she was up bright & early she came running across the house frantically-you see she had gone in the room which she knew would someday be for our baby and looked and there was no baby sister-so she came running in to our room-where is my baby sister she proclaimed? I prayed last night-where did God put her? This was my first real-life example of the child-like faith that the Bible talks about. You see Brandon & I had prayed for months for a baby-did we ever expect one? But Samantha prayed once and her 3 year old faith told her that the baby would be there by morning! Man what a lesson! We then had to explain a little more about the waiting involved for a baby. Well pretty soon Samantha had everyone at church praying for us. It started in her Sunday School class, then her Sunday evening class and then the Preschool choir before we could blink everyone was praying for us. I was waiting for a call from the doctor to let me know the results of my most recent test! In the meantime pickles had become nauseating to me. Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE pickles-ALWAYS HAVE!!! But when I was pregnant with Sammy I couldn’t stand the sight of them –well, I was feeling that way again. I finally decided to go get one of the 12 pregnancy tests out of the cabinet. You see by now we were buying them in bulk because I had taken so many in hopes of a positive result! I was quite anxious & worried about being disappointed yet again by another negative result but I went ahead & did it that morning. It was the longest 2-3 minutes of my life. It came back positive-so you know me being the woman of faith that I am I took 4 more tests. Then I waited, next morning same thing. You see I didn’t want to tell Brandon until I was 100 percent sure! I didn’t want him to be disappointed. I called the Doctors office as soon as they opened I couldn’t wait to tell them the news. I scheduled my first prenatal visit. That afternoon I received a call from my doctor. In my naiveness, I was thinking how nice of him to call & personally congratulate me. He knew how hard the wait had been for us. But no he was calling to tell me that the last test I had taken at the hospital had shown that I would probably not be able to have any more children. He would, however be happy to give me the name of a specialist so that I could explore other options! I was in shock-I said did you not know-I called your office this morning to schedule my first prenatal visit. I am expecting and I have the 8 positive tests to prove it. He was embarrassed that his nurse had not told him but excited and said we need to get you right in here! 7 Months later Kailey was born! I am so thankful that God is more Mighty & powerful than any doctor or test they can run!!! And now every time-which is quite often that Samantha is frustrated with Kailey-Brandon & I are quick to remind her that SHE IS THE BABY SISTER THAT SHE PRAYED FOR MONTHS FOR! SHE IS THE BABY SISTER THAT GOD WANTED HER TO HAVE!!!!

Still Celebrating Moms

Wow! May has flown by in a blink. I still have some more celebrating of moms that I would like to do before the month comes to a close. I recently came across a book mark that I have had since Samantha was very young. It contains a poem (and you all know how I love those) that just reminded me of the important things about being a mom.

If I had My Child to Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power, And more about the power of LOVE.

by Diane Loomans


Enjoy each day that God gives you with your children.

What a GREAT day!

Oh what a great day! Brandon was so sweet. On his busiest morning of the week, he made breakfast for the kids & I. When I sat down at my spot at the table, there were 3 handmade cards just for me. Then we went to church together. For lunch we went to Coldwater & had Yummy Pizza at Dave's. We came home, changed and put K & T down for naps. Then Brandon & I went to the cemetary to put out the new flowers for Trevor. Brrrr. It was so cold out there. We didn't stay long. Then we went to the daycare. I steam cleaned the carpets yesterday so Brandon help me gets things back in there places. We finished the day by going on a date to the Chief Theater to see "The Last Song". It was a Wonderful day thanks to my sweet family.

She is with Jesus

We received the phone call last night. The one we prayed we wouldn't get. The sweet miracle we have been praying for is now free in the arms of Jesus. Free from the birth defect and Free from the pain she was starting to feel in this old world. God truly blessed her family by allowing them 8 days with her but we all know you just can't fit a lifetime of memories in 8 days. Please pray for that sweet family as I know they most certainly face some very tough days. Today will be their first day without their sweet miracle. Tomorrow their first holiday. And of all holidays Mother's Day. Please pray.

"You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

Images of a Mother

As the Mother of a Tween, I can already tell how her image of me has changed. So hard.



The Images of Mother



4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!



8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!



12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't know everything!



14 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother? She wouldn't have a clue.

.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's so five minutes ago.



18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!



25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!



35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.



45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?



65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.



But someday I pray her image will change again.

Mothers

A friend posted this poem today & you all aready know how I am about poetry. Enjoy.


MOTHERS



Real Mothers don't eat quiche;

They don't have time to make it....



Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils

Are probably in the sandbox.



Real Mothers often have sticky floors,

Filthy ovens and happy kids.



Real Mothers know that dried play dough

Doesn't come out of carpet.

Real Mothers don't want to know what

The vacuum just sucked up....



Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'

And get their answer when a little

Voice says, 'Because I love you best..'



Real Mothers know that a child's growth

Is not measured by height or years or grade...

It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother.

Happy Mother's Day to all you REAL moms like me.

Just One More Thing

A friend of mine just mentioned the dash. If you read my blog from earlier in the week titled Thank You you'll understand. Praise God this precious baby has a dash! Thanks to God & her mommy she has a dash! Had her mommy chosen not to carry her she would not have a dash nor would she have had the opportunity to touch the many, many lives that she has! Praise God!

A Baby Update

I'm sorry I haven't posted too much lately about that sweet miracle baby. We received a call from her Grandma this evening. She is still at her earthly home but growing much weaker. Grandma said that "they are all just enjoying every moment with her until the Good Lord takes her home". They appreciate all the prayers offered on their behalf. I am so thankful for her and for the days they have had with her. I keep thinking about that medical team that wanted her mommy to abort. If she had listened to them she would not have the 6 (almost 7) days of memories that she has with her daughter. I know her life may not be long compared to yours and mine but I guarantee she knows she is loved. I guarantee that her mommy and the rest of her family have told her and told her and told her. Her mommy told her not only by words but by actions. She was willing to carry that sweet baby as long as God allowed and now she is sharing each day with that precious baby for as long as God allows. You tell me that cutting that baby's life short by taking it in utero would have been better and I will show you a picture of a precious innocent breathing miracle that God is allowing to spend time with a family who loves her more than anything. Keep praying for that sweet family as I know they face some tough days ahead.

Journey to June: 4 Months

4 Months. Wow that's hard to believe! Somedays it seems like just yesterday while other days it seems like forever ago. Isn't that the way life is though? When I look at the calendar and think man I would be entering in to my last six weeks of pregnancy. The part I always LOVED the most because your almost there. Instead, although I still have the belly there is no baby growing inside. I think back to just 4 months ago when I went to bed that night I went to bed with no fear at all that I would loose my little guy that night. I guess thats the part I dislike the most-this new fear I have of loosing people-the people I love most. You see if God can take Trevor he could certainly take any or all of the rest of my family. I have always had some fear of that (I think it was just normal mama fear before). Now, I think sometimes my fears are unreasonable. I hope in time to be more like the Ceraks (they spoke at our church on Sunday, if you missed it, you missed a real blessing). I have to continue to let go and trust God completely. I know with all my heart that he loves me and he can carry me through anything but man I really don't want to loose anyone else. Thanks again for your comments and prayers. They are so appreciated.





"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

Journey to June: Thank You.

Thank you to all who prayed for me today. Thanks so much to Elizabeth who was so sweet to bring me some beautiful flowers from her yard and take care of the daycare so we could go! We chose to take Trenton with us (he is usually well behaved as long as it is just him-no sisters). However, I think today some of you may have prayed for him to be as honary as possible to help take my mind off the nature of the outing. We had lunch first (where he was very well behaved). Then headed to Woodward Monument Co. (I have listened closely to their radio ads long before we lost Trevor-I will share more of that story another time). Anyway as we entered the small building it smelled of flowers and seemed quite funerally (probably not a word) to me. The sweet lady greeted us. After we told her what we needed, she was quick to point us to the heart shaped stone for infants. It was grey slate and somewhat plain-not really what either of us had in mind. We kept looking and chose one that was slanted. We both wanted a black one, so that is what we went with. We went back inside. It was this point that Trenton came alive! You see this sweet lady has 2 grandchildren that live 400 miles away. So she had been ooohing and awwwing over T and how cute he is! Well, we got back in and he decided that the gravestones inside looked like perfect places to climb and jump off of. If I reminded him once, I had to remind him 100 times that we were not at the park so we shouldn't climb on those stones. He would smile sweetly and say ok momma and then go on to the next one. All the while Brandon & the sweet lady were asking me question after question-who knew there were so many options? We let Trenton decide what he thought Trevor might like and he chose a picture of a Tractor. I thought that was absolutely perfect! Since T loves tractors so much it only makes sense that his little brother would probably have loved them too! Brandon chose 2 crosses to go on each top corner. Early on we had chose James 1:17 as a verse for Trevor since he is a perfect gift from above. So we had that reference put on as well. The only time I really felt the emotions coming on was when she pulled the stone up on the computer screen with his name and his birthdate. She then turned to us for his date of death. Brandon said quietly it was the same. So she asked quietly do you want it on their once or twice? We responded just once. She said yes, that is how we did our childs. It was then that it hit me Trevor has no dash! I have a dash, all who read this have a dash. I often wonder what did I do today to make my dash count? It never hit me until I starred at that computer screen, my baby boy has no dash. It's just 1-4-10. He came & went all in one moment! Maybe that's why I feel so strongly that I NEED to be his dash. I need to fill in those gaps that he is not here to fill. Now that the stone is chosen, I can't wait to order it. Soon, hopefully soon. One sweet thing that T did do between jumping off stones was every time he saw an angel in there (and there were many) he would stop and say "look mama, I found Trevor, come see". So sweet, it just melted my heart. We have never said anything to him about Trevor being an angel (because we know he is not). However, somewhere along the way he has come to picture his baby brother that way. Of course we can't go to town without having to go to Wal-Mart. On the way there a kind lady had a trailer set up with Memorial flowers. We stopped and purchased some for Trevor. Brandon and I both went toward the same bunch at the same time. They were just perfect! So colorful and bright! I will try to post pics once I have placed them at the cemetery. All in all it was a good day. Thanks so much for your prayers. They are felt and appreciated!

"Every good & perfect gift is from above" James 1:17

Journey to June: The Grave Stone

Today I have a heavy heart. Those of you who know me best can probably tell based on all my entries today. I have found that on this journey the thing that helps me the most outside of being in God's word and talking with him is to write. I can write, I can cry, I can talk to God and write some more. It is so good for my soul! Brandon & I have tried & tried to find some time to make it to Woodward to look at grave stones. Our schedules have just not allowed for it. A big part of me has been relieved because at times I resent having to look for a grave stone when I know in my heart I would be picking out a nursery theme and cute little outfits right now. You know looking for just the right outfit to take him home from the hospital in. Adorable-yet comfortable all wrapped in one! The other part of me-the detailed part knows I need to get this done. It is really the final thing I can do for Trevor here on Earth. Yes, I know he is Heaven-he could care less about some silly stone down here. He is seeing streets of gold! But for me it's something we will have to remember him by. A material tribute to him. I drove out to the cemetary this evening by myself. It is the first time I have been there alone. It was a beautiful evening. So I just sat and talked to God for awhile. The breeze barely blowing through my hair. I could just sense the holy spirits presence there with me. I could just feel the love that my Savior has for me. He knows how much I hurt because he too hurts. I know on this journey he is always there right with me. I find great comfort in that. Brandon & I have planned (for a couple of weeks now) to take off tomorrow afternoon and look at grave stones. We have know idea what to expect. We have no idea what we want. Please pray that it will all be clear when we see it.

"Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy." Psalm 126:5