Journey to June: Once A Mommy-Forever A Mommy

Another poem given to me by a friend of a friend. I thought that I would share it with you.

The mother for her child unaffected by distance nor lessens by the passage of time between touches now lives with a lonesome heart.

The baby cradled in the arms of angels watches from above and waits in anticipipation of the rejoining.

The heavenly father comforting them healing them and loving them both assures a heavenly reunion.

Happy Babyloss Mother's Day to all of you who like me have a gatekeeper in Heaven that you are just waiting to reunite with.

Journey to June: "Spring will come my love"

I am often baffled at why to date in this journey I am on I have not really been mad at God. Disappointed? Yes! Confused? Yes! Mad? No (not yet anyway). Everything I have read about the grief process says that I will be. So I often get up and wonder-will today be the day? When God, when? Will it be when I see that pregnant lady walking down the street just glowing in the joy of pregnancy? Or will it come in June when I am out shopping and see mommies with their newborns? You know I can't avoid them babies are born everyday (Praise God). Babies are all around us! But when, when will the anger hit? Will it just hit me like a ton of bricks, I pray not. I am reading a wonderful newly released book by Angie Smith (she is the wife of Todd Smith of the Christian group Selah). There precious baby girl Audrey went to be with Jesus on April 7, 2008 and their testimony is AMAZING! I just love this passage from her book and pray that it will minister to others as well....

However easy it may be to allow myself to wail over my loss, it is a far more satisfying thing to believe that all of this is a brief season. The Lord I have placed my trust in tells me that I will see my Trevor again, and while he stands beside me, He weeps. He doesn't weep at the barren ground, nor does He mourn the browning branches. He cries because I can't see what he can. And in the fluttering of the breeze, with my heart pressed to His, I can hear him whisper, "Spring will come, my love."

What an amazing thing! Spring will come, my love! You will see your Trevor again, my love! Oh what a promise!

Joy in affliction is rooted in the hope of resurrection, but our experience of suffering also deepens the root of that hope.-John Piper

God is Good!

Wow! God is good! The strength & power of his love for us is amazing! We received word from her grandpa this morning that their sweet precious miracle made it through another night! Praise God! I know I keep saying it but this baby isn't suppossed to be here according to man. But guess what our GOD is so much bigger and his plans are so much greater than any of us can begin to imagine! They are home (which the doctors did not think would ever happen). Hospice care will be there with them but you know what God is still in control. That same God that has allowed this precious baby to be carried to term and live here among us for this time is still in control. Aren't you glad? I know I am!

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, and that my life is fleeing away." Psalm 39:4

I am convicted...

I have to share my heart for a moment. As I laid in bed early yesterday morning unable to sleep. I started praying for this precious baby that I have told you about. Praying, thanking God for the miracle of almost 24 hours-at that point. As I laid there praying as I have day and night for this baby since I heard her story back in January. This feeling of conviction just came all over me. How many times have I heard stories, thought how sad, written down the prayer request, taken it home in my Bible, prayed once, maybe twice and then moved on with my life? But not this time! I have prayed and prayed and prayed night and day for this precious baby. I have shared her story with family in other states and they have their churches praying. Why? You know why-Trevor Mark Hagins. I know what the pain of loosing a baby feels like now. I know how unbearable that pain can be! I NEVER wanted to here of anybody having to experience that kind of pain again! So I prayed for this family like I have never prayed before. Once again God has used Trevor's short life to bring me closer to him and to care more about others than myself. For this I am truly thankful!``Rejoice evermore.

"Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you" (1 Thes. 5:16-18)

I saw GOD today

I saw GOD today. No, he did not come to me in the form of a man like he did for so many of my Heroes that I have learned about in Sunday School. No, he did not look like the many artistic renditions I have seen. He did not speak to me, he did not have to. I saw him in the face of a precious baby girl just over 2 days old. A baby not expected to live any longer than a few moments after the umbilical cord was cut. A baby that had so many odds against her, yet I saw her living, breathing, looking around. She even smiled at me-evidence of God's grace. A true miracle right before my eyes. This precious baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 just before Christmas. It was encouraged for her mommy to abort her. Take her life and not have these wonderful moments with her precious baby. Yesterday the doctors shared with the family that this baby is the 7th baby born at that hospital (in Kansas) with Trisomy 18. Out of the other 6 the longest life was 30 minutes. Can you imagine just 30 minutes? Yet God has chosen to bless this family with over 2 days. What a miracle! The doctors have not given her any hope of survival (to my knowledge). The family is planning to take her off the oxygen tonight and let her go peacefully if that is God's plan. What an amazing sacrifice! They have been an amazing testimony to our family and we have been blessed in knowing them. I am so glad God allowed me to meet their precious miracle and allowed me to open my eyes to honestly say I saw God today! Please continue to join me in prayer for this precious family for I know that God is still alive and still at work all around us!

"Seek the LORD and his strength; SEEK his face continually." 1 Chronicles 16:11

Bereaved Mother

Have I told you I love poetry? It seems to touch my heart like nothing else can. I found this on a friend's blog and it seemed to sum up alot of my feelings right now.

Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks,she cleans, she works, she IS but she IS NOT all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

A child that loses a parent is an orphan.

A husband that loses his wife is a widower.

A wife who loses her husband is a widow.

However, there is no word for a parent that loses a child.

There is no word to describe such pain.

-author unknown

In this moment I am here Loving God, living my life, enjoying each day with my family but on January 4, 2010 a part of me left to be in Heaven for eternity. A part of me that I can not get back until the day God takes me home.

I am pumped!

I am pumped! Rejoicing, rejoicing, rejoicing! Can you imagine being told after a routine ultrasound that your baby would not live after the umbilical cord was cut? Can you imagine a medical staff trying to convince you to take your baby's life because she would not survive outside the womb? Can you imagine a doctor telling you to plan your baby's funeral before you have even given birth? Well, I can't. Now can you imagine being that mommy and carrying that baby the rest of your pregnancy just waiting and worrying and wondering day after day after day. Others around you all expecting too! All expecting healthy babies! How unbearable that pain must be! But prayers surround you-many, many prayers on your behalf. Today that baby was born. She weighed in at just over 4lbs. Miraculously breathing after the cord was cut. Yes she needs a surgery, but she is ALIVE! God is good and I am so thankful to have an ALL-KNOWING LOVING GOD who cares for us. Many prayers are still needed but at this moment there is a living breathing miracle in Kansas. Praise the Lord! Please keep praying God knows who the family is and I will keep you posted of her progress.

"In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry." Jonah 2:2